Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Flip

Original poster

Travelling

15 replies

Ibizafun · 04/02/2020 22:41

Dd 22 finished uni and wants to do a gap year volunteering in Bali, Malaysia, Cambodia, Australia. I feel sick with worry as she regularly drinks too much, smokes weed and I’m sure has tried worse. She plans on going with a friend who is just as bad if not worse. She is aware of the consequences for drug use in some of these places.

They are party girls. if she drinks too much someone could slip something in her drink- I honestly don’t know what to worry about first.

She’s saved money but will still need us to help financially. Should we just say no? She’s broken up with her long term boyfriend and feels she needs to get away.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 04/02/2020 23:32

I was going to say - she's an adult.
You've done all you can to try to teach her to look after herself, and you have to hope and trust she's savvy enough now.

Then you said she wants you to help her financially

She's 22. If she wants a year long holiday, then she needs to earn enough money to pay for it

corythatwas · 05/02/2020 13:50

I'm with BackforGood here. Of course you can give an adult child expensive presents if you like, but absolutely no reason to give her something you don't happen to want to give her.

Original poster

Ibizafun · 05/02/2020 16:56

Thanks both for your advice. I never thought of it as a present as she’ll be slumming it most of the time, she hasn’t asked us to help her as don’t think she realises how much it will cost.

I’m going to try and cut it down time-wise as otherwise I won’t sleep for a year.

OP posts:

MrsJoshNavidi · 05/02/2020 16:58

Both my DDs have done similar. TBH, they didn't need a lot of money. Life in those places is pretty cheap if living in hostels and the like.

Original poster

Ibizafun · 05/02/2020 21:23

Thanks MrsJosh, can I ask.. did they rent mopeds? Terrifies me.

OP posts:

MrsJoshNavidi · 05/02/2020 23:39

No. But my neighbour's daughter fell off one in Thailand (I think) just before Christmas and had to be med-evacced home. She broke her arm close to her elbow and it's causing all sorts of problems. She wasn't wearing a helmet either, so could have been worse.

Original poster

Ibizafun · 07/02/2020 16:17

A friend was telling me two girls she knows killed instantly on mopeds. No checks there and helmets are optional.

OP posts:

MrsJoshNavidi · 07/02/2020 23:28

Your DD is an adult though, and as such should make her own choices. It's up to you if you facilitate those choices by funding them.
Personally, I'd tell her she needs to find her own trip, whether or not I agreed with it. She's 22 after all.
Like I said, she won't need much. I think my DD took about £4,500 for about 6 months.

Original poster

Ibizafun · 10/02/2020 16:08

She can’t afford to fund her own trip, only put towards it. I actually think it will be good for her to see how others live as she has been too sheltered.

OP posts:

exasperatedemma · 10/02/2020 17:10

My DD went travelling on her own for 3 months last year when she was 20. She did a mixture of organised trips but actually spent a lot of time on her own (obvs met people along the way) I still can't believe she did it as she's not super confident but she was ok. I was actually better about it once she had gone, the months leading up to it were very stressful as I catastrophised every possible thing that could go wrong! If it helps, my advice would be to:

Get her to agree to let you track her on your phone, will give you some peace of mind when she's in internet range
Get her to take a photo of the number plate of vehicles she travels in and text it to you (I had images of a bus going over a cliff and at least that would enable me to know where to start looking!)
She messaged me each time she left a location and went to a new one
I bought her the tiniest notebook I could find and wrote in it all the contact details for the British Consulates in the countries she was travelling to as well as our phone numbers in case her phone got stolen or damaged.
try to get her to drink beer instead of the spirits out there - they use fake spirits and they're like ethanol - makes them very sick! She had a great time and I'm actually glad she did it, I went out to see her in Thailand halfway through and stayed a week, that was quite special.

sillysmiles · 10/02/2020 17:14

She needs to fund it herself. If you are going to fund anything - you pay for a proper travel insurance plan that covers evac if necessary so that eliminates that worry for you. Many many many people go travelling without anything nasty happening to them.

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 10/02/2020 17:22

You don't have to help her financially - she'd be sensible to get a working holiday visa for Australia unless she has a solid needed skill (a teaching qualification or nursing or physio or speech therapy, or an engineering degree). Otherwise these days "volunteering" abroad is usually poverty tourism.

As she has a degree she could also look for paid teaching work. Badly paid without a teaching qualification but she could do a TEFL certification in a month full time in Spain or another EU country first.

Tell her to look into the JET programme if she's flexible about location - flights paid, a short training and language course before departure and again in Tokyo on arrival and a good tax free salary.

I did two gap years but the first was cost neutral except for the backpacking at the end and the second was very well paid. If she's paying for the experience it's a holiday or worse. If she's going to build a school with no construction qualifications or experience she's a poverty tourist and her work will have to be redone by proper craftspeople after she leaves.

MrsJoshNavidi · 11/02/2020 18:45

At 22, if she can't afford to fund her own trip, she can't afford to go.
Tell her to delay her plans for 12mths and to save really hard in that period.
She needs to learn that adults have to work to pay for things they want.

Original poster

Ibizafun · 06/03/2020 22:48

exasperatedemma Sorry I have only just seen your helpful post- thank you so much, I will take your advice on all your points.

I don’t want her to delay her travels because I’m keen for her to come back and start her career having worked so hard for her degree. MrsJosh I hear what you say about funding her trip and she’s worked hard to save up. She’s volunteering for the first part and I’m ok with paying for that as I want her to broaden her mind and to appreciate that her life is privileged in comparison. She will then be working there to support herself for the remainder of the trip.

OP posts:

GrumpyHoonMain · 03/04/2020 00:24

If you feel she is irresponsible why not insist on paying for them to stay in well known international hotels at each location? Not exactly slumming it but at least they can ensure you stay in contact with her - many will even allow you to arrange one car (with a named driver) for the duration of the trip.

Flip