DS removed from uni course

[QueenOfOversharing]

Hi - I'm in a state, so please I cannot take any flaming or blame!

My DS(21) is at uni & living at home. He has been having some problems with an online gaming addiction (that's a whole other load of crap), but at the moment that doesn't seem to be going on. I knew something wasn't right with him, and he wasn't going in to uni. I kept asking him & he said he didn't have a class, or whatever.

Today I saw 2 envelopes & recognised them as student loans - so I asked him what's going on with them - he says he'd look later (we were driving to his appt with physios at neurology hospital).

I forced the issue when I got home a bit later - he has been having anxiety attacks at uni & not going / leaving early, hates his course, doesn't want to go back. Then found out he was removed from the course as he hadn't applied for some part.

Background - he was born with congenital hip dysplasia which ended up being a v complex, unusual case, then we found out he has a rare form of muscular dystrophy. He has had shingles 16 times. He has had a variety of other health issues & doctors have no idea whether there's a unifying condition (but suspect they'll never find out). He was bullied v badly & I took him out of school - he went to new secondary & had a lot of SEN support. He has struggled to make friends & he is socially very anxious. I was worried he was depressed & asked him to take NHS depression test online - he said answering it he actually got more for anxiety.

He had a p/t job & was on 90 day "trial" but had 2 absences & lost that. He is appealing (long story), but tbh I don't hold out any hope.

He gets PIP highest rate for care & mobility.

I just don't know what to do. I've made a GP appt for him in 2 weeks.

I think I felt he was kind of "protected" from a lot of life stuff that he'll struggle with, as he was at uni, but now I am terrified of the future.

I'm a single parent (no support) with my own severe MH issues & am struggling at the moment, before this.

DS has been through over 20 surgeries, countless hospital stays, appointments, assessments & therapies. He struggles socially. He's now admitting his anxiety is worse than I knew.

Sorry this is so long. I've got nobody to speak to & I'm in pieces.

Does he have any support through DSA, the uni student services or SU ? Has the appropriate process to remove him been followed , taking account of his additional needs, and could he still take the rest of the year out to get well and restart the year in the autumn? How far into the course was he? Unfortunately he may have buried his head in the sand and ignored the opportunities to ask for help.

Thank you. I'll ask him. He's saying he had already decided he didn't want to do the course. I need to get my head into gear & think of everything to ask / look into. Thank you!

Universities really don't want to expel students, but if they don't attend, and do't hand in work, and don't enrol in the modules or courses they need to, and if they don't respond to us when we try to contact them, then there is little we can do.

Your son will need to start to sort things out so he can make a more "graceful" exit and maybe get some advice along the way about what course might suit him better.

He should contact his Personal Tutor or his DEpartment's Welfare Tutor, and just tell them what's been going on. If that is too difficult, maybe you could accompany him. It might help if he wrote down all the things going on for him.

If that is too tricky, then maybe a phone call to the STudent Union or STudent Guild Welfare Officer. Go to his university's website and seaarch for the Student Union (or Guild). This is an organisation run by & for the students, not the university. THey will have heard all sorts of difficult situations in which students find themselves, so your DS shouldn't be worried about them not being able to help him.

But it might help if you & he start to get clear about what has actually happened. Try to sort out between you what your DS has done - or rather not done - which has got him into this tangle.

Thank you so much. I'll sit down with him properly tomorrow & try to get more info.

The thing is, he may be embarrassed because he's f* up - but honestly, university lecturers, and professional staff, have heard so much and worse over the years.

Even if he's decided to leave, there are ways he can leave which are better & may leave hm with more choices and a better academic record. So that when he does feel ready to go back to a different course, he's in an OK situation.

But he may really not be ready for university. It is not a "cosy/safe" place in some respects, and nor should it be. That is, university should be challenging intellectually, and should challenge young people emotionally as well - in the way that any new and hard thing when you're a teen /early 20s is challenging and not "cosy/safe" in so many ways. THat's how we grow & mature.

But he may not be ready for those pressures yet.

@Dolorabelle I agree - I think he has fucked it up & isn't being honest with me. I've told him he needs to write / speak to his professors & explain. I agree this is not the way to leave it.