Slightly worn out w son’s emoting

[Ritascornershop]

He’s a lovely young man (20). He’s living with me this year as he’s doing uni here for the first year, then transferring to an out of town uni. He helps a lot around the house, is a good listener (unlike me, I nod a lot but unintentionally get distracted), has a part-time job etc.

But he’s convinced he doesn’t have friends here (grudgingly admits he has lots of out of town friends) and has been complaining about this for years. However he does have friends! He goes out with them, tells me things they’ve said, I’ve met most of them. But he’s determined that he’s alone in the world and when special occasions come up he gets blue and the cloud descends over the house and he doesn’t feel any need to put on a brave face. I suppose I feel at his age he could suck it up a bit (but I never say this, I do my best to seem sympathetic).

I know I’m being awful, but 13 years of single parenting and I’m utterly worn out and now my kids aren’t actually children I’d like to step back a bit and not have to worry about them quite so much.

Just venting really. And hoping someone will tell me it’s normal to be a bit ready to relax and not feel I have to be the one-person band anymore for my kids (daughter is somewhat more self-reliant).

Could he have depression?
You feel alone in a crowd when you have it.
May be worth a trip to the gp.

I don’t know. He did go through a depression a few years ago, but seemed to come through it. Had a lot of positive experiences and now is mostly quite excited about the future. Laughs at my terrible jokes, pretends to banish me to my room if the puns are too bad, gets excited about next year. But his temperament has always been to experience things strongly and emote a great deal. Whereas I tend to bottle things up and be very private and get ill. Much better

He really is a great person and it’s just single parent burnout.

Could he have some counselling? Maybe he is a bit stuck in an emotional place and needs help to move on.

He could at his college, but I’m not sure he’d see the need. In most ways he’s very mature, I think he just needs to take on board the “you don’t need to believe everything you feel” philosophy.

I have a 19 year old who is very similar I think. When she is here, I hear everything from her - all the emotions, all her friends' dramas etc. I never did this with my mum and we were close! I don't know how I'd cope if I didn't have dh to share the load- so I can imagine how you feel.

Like your son, she is also lovely and warm and fun but I know what you mean.

My dd goes to university away from home and it is the best thing for her. She is happier being independent, has great friends, and we don't worry about her when she is away - so hold on for next year OP!

Thanks pallisers! He was on a gap year last and while I missed I did not miss being privy to every emotional fluctuation. I feel guilty, but having done this for years on my own (their dad mostly contributes financially but is a drain on them emotionally) I’m in need of a rest.

I have an older teen who is a bit like this. When he is under stress he has angry emotional outbursts where he verbally rants about everything that is wrong about his life. I listen, try to reassure, make suggestions (which is pointless as they are ignored/ agued about) and then let him calm down/ make him hot chocolate.
I then go away and worry about all the things he's raised, wonder if I need to talk to the school, find a therapist, etc. It's almost as if he's passed his black rainy cloud onto me to worry for him . When I find him later he's often laughing online with his friends or chatting to his brother over skype etc. If I say, "are you OK?" he replies "yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

I think there is so much in the news about young people and mental health that as parents we panic as soon as they show the slightest unhappiness and convince ourselves they are all on the brink of something more serious. I once asked my son if he ever felt suicidal and he gave me a strange look and said, "No, of course not!"

I am trying to not get so emotionally drawn into his problems. I'm happy to listen and offer support, but they do need to learn to manage some of this on their own.
However I am thinking that some CBT might be useful for my son to help him out of his cycle of negativity sometimes.