Adult dd living at home issues

[Tamarapudding]

Can you really tell a young adult how to live their life? I know the answer is no but I’m struggling.
Dd has recently got in with a new crowd and has been out every night for the past few weeks and coming in very late. Tonight was 1.45 am. However she’s not drinking, doesn’t cause a commotion when she comes in and gets up for work fine and isn’t really doing anything wrong. She’s had a bit of a rough year and is really happy at the moment and I’m glad of that but I’m still not happy about the situation. I’m shattered because I can’t sleep until I know she is home and it’s causing friction because I’m having a go at her all the time. I’m worried that if I don’t let up, she will move out and I don’t really want that either.
I’m hoping this is just a phase and that she will get fed up and calm down again. Am I really being ridiculous? Should I back off and let her be?

My dd was out all hours over the summer when home from uni. She would come in at 05.00 in the morning. I was worried sick. I learnt to live with it, shes an adult, but on the other side I would think, she was under my roof and should let us know what time to expect her. Shes no longer going out until that time now. It must have been a someone she was seeing.

Depends how old she is I think. Big difference between 18 and 30 for example.

Yes, of course you should back off and let her be! And you already know that!

She's considerately quiet when she comes home, she's sober, her late nights don't interfere with her job.

She is not the problem.

You are having a go at her all the time and causing friction.

You are the problem. And I can see from your post that you know it. So why do you do it? Is the tiredness making you unreasonable? You say she is happy after a rough year.

What EXACTLY is it about the situation that you are not happy with?

She is 20.
Yes I know it’s my problem but I don’t know how to sort myself out. It’s probably because this is a new development and I don’t understand it. I know I’m an old fart and overprotective and I’m thinking she shouldn’t be out so late on a work night etc and that it will all catch up with her. I also know things could be a lot worse so should be grateful.

Thanks for the replies. It helps to put things into perspective.

I would say be happy she is happy. She’s getting up for work, she is considerate and isn’t coming in drunk. I would back off and try to relax. Otherwise you’ll drive her away.

I know, that’s my fear that I will drive her away and I’m going to if I don’t stop this. I was never like this with ds but he moved out to go to university when he was 18 so I was unaware of his social life.

I think you can't constrict her freedom but have some ground rules. How do you feel about her having friends back? She needs to let you know where she is with a rough time of getting home. She needs to answer texts asking where she is in a reasonable time.

My DD is the same age and we have the same issues, she might finish college at 12 and then not answer my messages asking where she is and if she wants dinner but then phones me at midnight wanting picked up.

I know I was pretty wild at that age but managed to get away with it by not living at home!

Your issue is she’s living at home and so you worry about her because she’s out late. At her age I and many others were living away from home and stayed most of the night, but still how kept a job. Of course some don’t, but they learn from it. I don’t blame you for worrying but she’s an adult and nights out aren’t always on weekends. She’s lucky to have you

Thanks. I don’t mind her having friends over but she wouldn’t do that because Dh and I both work and wouldn’t want to be disturbed.

I understand she is young and just enjoying herself but this is a new development. She was out all night Friday and Saturday night just gone. We literally live 5 minutes drive from town as well so it’s not as if she has far to travel and can’t get back. It’s the weekday late nights that have got me so concerned. I don’t know what kind of ground rules we can agree to other than letting me know where she is, which she kind of does already but says she is too old for a curfew!

I am confused about why you don't want her to move out? She is a working adult and you are finding the time she is coming in difficult to cope with, surely moving out is the obvious solution?

Is there a new boyfriend/ girlfriend you don't know about?

If anything did happen to her, you could handle it far better on a good night's sleep.

Just set a couple of ground rules:
You'll stop worrying, (you won't but she doesn't need to know that) but she needs to text if she decides to stay out and not come home.
You won't do her meals anymore unless you make specific arrangements to ie Sunday dinner. (this one works really well for us)
Mine does give a rough idea of where she's going, what time she'll be back which is comforting and at 21 doesn't really have to, but she does realise that even though she's an adult I'm still going to worry if she's later than I was expecting.

We also have CCTV on our house so if I dose off I can check my phone to see if she's in without getting out of bed or making a fuss, thats quite comforting too.

Other than that, you need to chill, you've raised her right and she's having fun.

This is completely normal for her age. Pretty tamre, in fact! Be glad that she's enjoying herself.

Come to think of it, she probably has a boyfriend.

I definitely don’t think it’s on for her to just not come home without telling you. It’s disrespectful. Don’t you ask her where she has been and what she’s been doing?
My daughter is 25 and living at home currently due to her studying and not being able to afford to live in a flat. I wouldn’t put up with her being out all night without telling me and I know where she is most of the time.

I know she hasn’t got a boyfriend. She doesn’t want a relationship after having her heart broken by her ex. She’s just not interested and probably scared of it happening again. I wish she had one tbh. She does get a lot of attention because she’s beautiful and lovely and I think she’s just enjoying that.

I’m glad of all the comments I’ve read which have made me realise that it’s not so bad and that it’s me with the problem. It’s going to be hard to try and chill though as I’m a worrier by nature.

I let mine live their lives with a few ground rules 1. Tell me if you are going to be home for dinner and if you have a +1. 2. Tell me if you aren't coming home 3. Tell me if you have brought a "guest" home. End of rules ... oh and thou shall walk the dog whatever time one gets in because he can't tell the time and expects it!

D's is a similar age and this would piss me off no end. He knows it's not on for him to stay out late on nights we are up early for work in the morning. More than once a week anyway and that's pushing it.
It's not about us controlling what he does, just him showing us consideration. I need my sleep!

I have a dd similar age. Can’t stop her living her life but I would definitely expect understanding at that age. Ask her to send you a text around midnight just to say she’s ok and tell her she’ll get it all back from her own dd one day, and some hopefully!

I have a 21 year old in her last year of uni. She's here at home for four nights a week - Thursday to Monday - due to how her lectures fall.

We don't have issues. I am a very light sleeper so she has a curfew. NOT like a 14 year old I hasten to add.. she has a choice. If she goes out, she has to be back by midnight or she's free ,of course ,to stay with her boyfriend or with her friends. It's just plain bad manners to crash in to the house at 3am.

If you want to live at home with all the perks, there's unfortunately a few boring rules - and in my house, not waking me up at 2am is one of them.

I also don't like mess so she's expected to clean up after herself.

Apart from that, it's fine. If you were to ask her, she'd say I was laid back. We certainly don't fall out or anything but she's always been very clear on my feelings about not trashing the house and not coming in late at night and waking me up

This was how I was when I had a friends with benefits. I wasn't out, but at his house instead and a few times I fell asleep. I would just ask her to text if she isn't coming home. She isn't disturbing you, so it is a case of you dealing with your anxiety and accepting when she moves out, you won't know where she is.

Well it shows just how well I know dd. Turns out there is a bloke she’s interested in and obviously that’s why all the late nights!

Are you over involved in your dd’s life? I know I am with mine and it seems to be quite common these days. We know much more about what’s going on with them than our parents ever did and are often not happy about the things they are doing. Mine had no clue about my shenanigans lol.
You know you can’t control her and you said you’d be pleased if she got a boyfriend so step back and don’t interfere.
Wish I could take my own advice.

Well it shows just how well I know dd. Turns out there is a bloke she’s interested in and obviously that’s why all the late nights!

Fab news you can stop worrying 😁

She sounds exactly like my 19yo son. We have a basic rule that he needs to let us know if he's going to be late home so we can lock up and otherwise we just let him get on with it. We usually cook enough so he can help himself when he gets in and if he doesn't eat it one of us has it for lunch the next day. He contributes a percentage of his salary towards living costs and cooks & washes up once a week, but otherwise we just let him get on with it.

I’ve no problem with my DD going out until the early hours, she’s not a child, but i do expect her to come in quietly and not disturb the rest of the household and I do want a text if she’s staying out - she’s not always good at doing that.