Anyone have experience of adult children being upset about their father having a new baby?

[Moomin8]

I'm due to give birth to a baby girl next month. My partners son has said he doesn't want anything to do with the baby. Apparently he still hasn't got over his parents break up which happened 4 years ago. His mum has moved her new partner into the house He's 22 and has been angry about it from the beginning. He won't even spend any time with me.

Anyone have any experience of this sort of thing? My children are fine with it all, in fact they can't wait to meet their new sister. They are 18, 15 and 10.

I imagine his relationship with your DP wasn’t great before which is why it’s become even more complicated after the baby announcement.

Yes this is what concerns me I think. I am hoping that his son will realise that the baby and I are not a threat to his relationship with his dad but my dp has to put the effort in for that too.

@Thatagain yes 50 is definitely quite old to be having a new baby. But I'll be doing most of the childcare anyway.

I have a half sibling who is 25 years younger than me. I took the news well but I would just say please be considerate of your step son, it really is a lot to get your head around. There is definitely hope though as people do tend to soften to babies one they are here.

In my case it isn’t a normal sibling relationship at all, I have my own life and children to get on with. It is also confusing for the young sibling, they really do have a sense of what is normal and what isn’t. For example the don’t really like being an auntie at two years old.

I would just say please be considerate of your step son, it really is a lot to get your head around.

Of course. I do feel for him as he apparently doesn't like his mums new partner either and she's moved him into the house. He apparently spends most of his time in his room :( I guess he would prefer his parents not to have split up in the first place.

I have to apologise to you op I have been a little harsh on you I am sorry. I am being honest! You will find it hard with your 22yo dss as it sounds to me that you didn't prioritise your relationship with him or have a good communications going on with him. If you did you would not feel like this. On the outher hand he is a grown man and doesn't get to decide what's best for you. Although he can have opinions about his dad. Don't be caught up with him and the baby haveing a relationship or him even getting to know baby as you may get disappointed. Just be there for him whenever he needs you or wants you as he will at some point I can bet on that. good luck op and congratulations.

There is 22 years between me and my half brother. ( Mums son if that makes any difference). I don't have the same relationship with him as I have with my other siblings. I see him once or twice a year and have very little to talk to him about.
It's entirely unrealistic for you to hope they have a sibling bond. At the very best they won't be hostile!

Looking back I don't think I was angry when he was born. It was more WTAF and despair that she had tied herself to another useless man. Plus I had my own life and was rarely at home . I had my own child at 24 and it threw into contrast our different parenting techniques and meant the bond we had changed massively. I think she wanted to be more of a contemporary to me rather than a mother and she had little time or inclination to be a grandmother. It changed the dynamic a lot.

Anyway we are all civil now. I see my mum stepdad and half brother about twice a year. That's plenty.

I must have been lucky with my children. They were 23, 22 and 20 when I had my 4th child. They were all very happy and pleased for me.
My two youngest are now very close despite the 20 year age gap.

I must have been lucky with my children. They were 23, 22 and 20 when I had my 4th child*

The difference for OP's dss is that his df is not just adding one child, there are the OP's 3 children as well.

Oops bold fail for quote from Boom

I must have been lucky with my children. They were 23, 22 and 20 when I had my 4th child

The difference for OP's dss is that his df is not just adding one child, there are the OP's 3 children as well.

Yes and the oldest two of them are nearly 18 and nearly 16.

I had my own child at 24 and it threw into contrast our different parenting techniques and meant the bond we had changed massively. I think she wanted to be more of a contemporary to me rather than a mother and she had little time or inclination to be a grandmother. It changed the dynamic a lot.

Interesting, I can see how this would change the dynamic a lot.

@Toomboom I'm glad at least one person has a positive story! My children are very easy going tbh, so maybe I've been lucky with their reactions. My dp gets on well with them and enjoys their company.

At this point I'll just have to hope it doesn't turn out badly.

No need to apologise @Thatagain it has helped me to be able to get some perspective. My parents never split so I don't know what that feels like (although they probably should have - whole other thread!)

Yes my friend , he is 40 his brother and sister are 10 and 8, their father is now past away and he has nothing to do with his brother and sister , he isn't interested and nothing anyone says would change his mind. He has nothing to do with fathers wife either even though he met her years after splitting from his mother .

You will just have to accept his choice.

That said my sister has a 30 year old son and a 9 year old daughter and they have a great relationship, so much so he has his Will currently written to leave everything to her. This will change of course if he has his own family but for now he is very protective of his little sister.

Ds1s dad and sternum had a baby when he was 23, actually they had 2 in a year. Ds2 has no problem with it and sees his sister's most weeks

I have a step parent who arrived on the scene when I was 19. I have 2 siblings and 2 step siblings all within a 6 year age bracket. My Dad also had several girlfriends from the time I was 10 years old. My experience of step parents / girlfriends is that it is extremely complex. Remember that he has no choice in the new relationship. He may not like you and he needs to learn to deal with that. The best advice I can give is to back right off and give him plenty of space. Try not to have any expectations of him and keep right out of any drama. Try to stay neutral if at all possible. Also the dynamic always changes with a new relationship. Think of when a best friend goes out with a man you don’t get on with. It can be very hard. 22 is still quite young as well. I get along pretty well with my step mum now but I was well into my 20s before we developed an ok relationship. Now me and her gang up on my Dad so there is hope just need to be patient. Good luck!

@mement0mori - he liked me until I got pregnant & since then I've not seen him because he doesn't want to. But thanks, I do see what you mean.

Actually I liked my step mum until she started dating my Dad. Then I didn’t (for a number of years) and then I did again. Step relationships are just peculiar and complex. We didn’t even have the baby issue but there was so much drama. If your step son liked you to start with I’d say you stand a good chance long term.

Ah I see. Yes that makes sense. At the end of the day nobody can help the way they feel about anything I guess. You can't rationalise these feelings away.

Maybe he also feels that accepting a new sibling would be betraying his mum?

It's probably hard for me to fully understand because I've never had a relationship with my own father whereas I think my dp was a much more hands on dad than my dad was. My dad didn't want me, saw me as an inconvenience and probably, therefore I wouldn't have cared if he moved out of the house as horrible as that sounds.

I personally think he feels like his position is being threatened. Especially if hes the youngest and if he wont make any effort with you.

I don't think it's as much about not accepting the end of his parents marriage but more that he feels hes being replaced

Yes. It just made the ending of the marriage so final. It was hard on everyone. There were lots of sad and rejected feelings and fears on all sides for a while and relationships haven't been the same since.

Often it is the meaning rather than the reality too that hurts.

I'm 26 now and would be heartbroken if I found out my dad was having a baby - although he had the snip so hopefully no chance!! I have an awful relationship with his wife to start with. And he barely makes any effort with the kids hes got (me and my two brothers) as it is. Hes worked away most of my life and I see him if I am lucky 5 times a year. I wish our relationship was different and I had a dad I could call for a chat every day rather than once a month but unfortunately he just hasnt shown that interest in having that kind of relationship. If I found out tomorrow my dad was having another baby I would also probably stop contact for the foreseeable future as I would say if you cant make an effort with the kids you already have then dont bother having anymore.

Well your dad doesn't sound like much of a dad @Cookiedough123 so I can't blame you for that. In fact, your dad sounds like mine. My dad is very self centred and I honestly don't think he would care if I disappeared tomorrow and never came back.

With my partners ds, I've realised the main thing is that he can't help how he feels. I also know that my dp won't ever love him less just because he's having another child.

I am sorry but I would feel disgusted if I was a 22 year old having a new sibling. That sounds immature and unreasonable but that’s just a human reaction. He’s at the age when he could be a father himself and the idea of his dad procreating is not going to sit well. I don’t really understand how people wouldn’t understand that.

I was in my late 20s when my half siblings were born. I was bloody horrified for lots.of reasons. Dad's "partner" is younger than me which is pretty revolting (did he fancy my friends? Yuk!). My mum wanted more children but he said no more so it felt like the new woman's feelings were more important to him than Mum's . I felt like I was somehow a failure and he was trying to "get it right this time" - he worked long hours/travelled a lot when my sister and I were little and he's very involved /hands on with the new batch. They don't feel like siblings because we've never lived under the same roof, have very different upbringings, such a huge age gap - they seem more like cousins/nieces/nephews. I also resented it cementing my dad's relationship with someone who tries to write his original family out of his life (the evil step monster) and if I'm brutally honest yep is does wrankle that I will probably not get any sort of inheritance (yeah yeah I know I'm not entitled to anything he could blow the lot/leave it to the Battersea Dogs Home/write me out of the will but I'm mostly talking about family heirloom type stuff and items from my childhood rather than money it will be hard to see the woman who hates me and my family getting things from our past. I'm civil when I see them (a couple of time a year) but I can't imagine seeing them once my dad is no longer around.

IMHE its about time/attention. 18 is a tough age, adult but needy. If parents divorced its a fair assessment that things were shit for a while during crucial years. So, you (the child) deal with that.

I looked forward to positive relationships with my parents and it was a shock that one could move on so quickly. I didn't really vocalise it.

One thing I would do different, if it were me, would be explaining the reasons and ask them how they felt, if there is anything you can do. They are just young, I think we can forget how different the world looks when you much less life experience.