Anyone have experience of adult children being upset about their father having a new baby?

[Moomin8]

I'm due to give birth to a baby girl next month. My partners son has said he doesn't want anything to do with the baby. Apparently he still hasn't got over his parents break up which happened 4 years ago. His mum has moved her new partner into the house He's 22 and has been angry about it from the beginning. He won't even spend any time with me.

Anyone have any experience of this sort of thing? My children are fine with it all, in fact they can't wait to meet their new sister. They are 18, 15 and 10.

[QOD]

I have a 6 yr old step brother who’s known my ‘dad’ his whole life who I’ve never met
My step dad ran two families. He’s not my bio dad but he’s my dad ... it’s hard
I’d not be mean to him but I don’t want to know him

[SouthWestmom]

They split four years ago and you met two years after that. He'd already had a relationship and now you're about to give birth? Maybe the son is just reeling from it all? After two years in a new relationship his dad has moved in with a woman with three (?) kids and is about to have another?

Inheritance, time together, affection - all this stuff is probably worrying him.

[Moomin8]

We haven't moved in together (yet) we probably will but he has a house that he needs to sell etc first. My oldest daughter lives away because she lives in a specialist provision for young people with autism. We go to see her every week but my two youngest still live at home with me. If anyone's going to be anxious I would expect it to be her tbh, but she seems to be dealing with it well. I think she'll be happier to when she can see her sister and the mystery is no longer there.

[Moomin8]

Parents don't always automatically leave their money to their children. I could not be sure if my parents have left money to me, and I'm an only child...

[shiningstar2]

I think it can be harder when the father is expecting another child rather than the mother. Your girls see you every day and whilst having another baby in the house will be busy, mum is still around and your kids are living with the new sibling and as mother of all 4 living in the same house you have every chance to encourage bonding.

They can feel resentful that their step mother's kids live with their dad when they don't. They can feel that they don't get enough time to see their dad on their own. Add in a new baby and they can feel even more on the outside and that inevitably the new baby will bond more with the siblings in the home. Kids whose parents don't break up until they are late teens or adults sometimes feel these things more intensely than younger kids because they had their parents together longer.

[Moomin8]

@shiningstar2 yes my 15 year old did say to me that she'd probably find it harder if it was her dad having a baby (he's remarried and the two of us are very amicable. He also said 'congratulations' to me about the new baby)

I guess it does make sense - partners son was 18 when dp split up with his mum. That's quite a long marriage.

[fishym2b]

My parents divorced when I was 18. My dad meet his current partner not long after. They ended up having a child when I was in my late twenties. So my kids are actually both older than their 'aunt'. I don't get that well with his partner (never really clicked rather than an issue as such) and it was a obviously a big shock, but it's never been an issue and we still see them few times a year.

[fishym2b]

My younger sibling was pretty appalled and did distance herself. The relationship has yet to fully repair tbh.

[MaybeDoctor]

The problem is that the new spouse/partner and the parent get all the good bits: a new relationship, love and affection, perhaps a wedding, lots of exciting new firsts and maybe even a new baby.

What do existing children get? Change, disruption, less money and less time with their parent.

Yet people are surprised when they aren’t happy about a situation they did not want or choose.

[Mintjulia]

Yes, stepdaughter 22, very angry & vengeful. Still hasn't come round after 11 years, although her anger seems to be more money related.

It's difficult. I think you just need to give it time, and hope he comes round.

[Thatagain]

I think his son is looking out for him as when the baby is 10years your dp is going to be 60years. He maybe uncomfortable with the age difference. As a step mum myself I can see his point. Sorry op.

[tararabumdeay]

18, 15, 10 and a new born; step children too. Nope wouldn't want to do that but you've chosen to.

Ignore 22 year old. At that age a decent young man should be working, saving and planning for his future.

[GertiMJN]

I think perhaps from your dc point of view a new baby is adding into their existing family set up. Your younger 2 are based with you and the new baby will join. They will feel like the same generation of children.

But for a 22 year old the new baby will feel a generation apart.

From your dp's ds's point of view, his Dad is now busy establishing an entirely new family. His expectations may well have been about his relationship with his Dad as adults. His Dad sharing time and activities together as adults. But now it probably feels like his Dad has started from scratch with a new family and new baby.

My relationship with my Dad would have been completely different if he'd embarked on family life for a second time around when I was 22. And I'm pretty sure I would have found it really difficult and can definitely imagine resenting it.

[GertiMJN]

Ignore 22 year old. At that age a decent young man should be working, saving and planning for his future Why does that mean he shouldn't want to spend time with and have a strong relationship with his father?

My father die

[Moomin8]

My dp will still want to do adult things with his ds though and I've told him he needs to make sure he continues to do so and doesn't spend less time with him. I'll be doing most of the baby care because, for one thing my dp is I think too old to be getting up in the night with a baby.

At 22, surely you are beginning to realise the world doesn't revolve around just you? His son has a good full time job. He still lives with his mum in the house he grew up in. One of my daughters is doing her GCSEs this year and I guess it will inconvenience her to have a crying baby in the house.

I hope he does come around eventually but that will be up to him.

[MaybeDoctor]

But you are 39 and have taken a decision that puts your own needs/wants above those of other people. How is that any different?

[Thatagain]

Why question about it now! You are dealing with a grown man! He may not come around he maybe a little shocked that his dad could do it over again. You obviously knew the situation before you concived. My dp has a son who I brought up with him we then had a DS together both boys get on very well and there is 12 years between them. It would be a completely different situation if my dss was 22 I wouldn't of put him in that situation. He maybe thinking about haveing children himself and a baby sister is off putting that a fact! You made this choice for you without any thoughts for your dss.

[Moomin8]

But you are 39 and have taken a decision that puts your own needs/wants above those of other people. How is that any different?

That's not true & you could say that about anyone doing anything. Lots of people have other children in subsequent relationships. My children will be fine because they know they won't be sidelined . I guess I didn't expect an adult child to be upset because he has his own life now. Although from reading the thread I can see certain perspectives about it that I didn't before.

[Moomin8]

we then had a DS together both boys get on very well and there is 12 years between them. It would be a completely different situation if my dss was 22 I wouldn't of put him in that situation.

Oh so it's ok if the ds is 12 but not if he's 22? and I suppose you consulted your 12 year old to check he wouldn't mind before ttc?

[Thatagain]

Yes I did have many conversations with all of my dcs and dss and now I am 37 year old I would not put any of my children through haveing another baby as they are all older and they would find it hard to get the time to have a bond with a new baby. The answer to your question is YES. we both spoke to our dcs a lot before our child came along. That's what you do isn't it?

[Moomin8]

I don't think most people do ask their existing children's permission before they TTC. But if it worked for you then fair enough. I think your situation is a bit different because your 12 year old was living with you still. Luckily my daughters are over the moon about it. I don't know what being 37 has to do with it though.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

I imagine his relationship with your DP wasn’t great before which is why it’s become even more complicated after the baby announcement.

You also need to understand that your kids, currently, are looking forward to a theoretical baby. When the realities of having a screaming human come out they may feel resentful too. Especially if you had a c-section / complications as your kids would be the ones expected to help out.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

Maybe they feel like they're being replaced? They've grown up sharing their dad's love and attention with one sibling and now there will be another one who is obviously going to be getting much more of his time and attention. I think it's understandable that they're upset.

[Olliephaunt4eyes]

DH has a half sib who is 17 years younger than him. Honestly, even with the best will in the world, I think you're being unrealistic if you expect there will be a sibling relationship between them. They will never live in the same house, or share the same experiences. They might see each other at Xmas (although DH hasn't gone home for Xmas since his DSis was 3 years old) and that'll be it. It's more of an uncle/aunt type deal I think, and that's often not close.

These days he and his sister exchange birthday/Xmas presents but that's really it. They have nothing in common beyond sharing a father, and even that is more of a source of stress in some ways as their experiences have been so different - dsis finds it hard to understand that the father she got (older, more relaxed, semi retired for much of her childhood, very family focused) was a very different man to the angry, heavy drinking, often absent man that DH was raised by.

It's a difficult relationship.

[Thatagain]

There's a difference in asking permission! and talking about likes and wants. I said I spoke to my children a lot before conciving. I did not even try it happened first time! Still an unexpected shock even though we spoke lots about haveing a baby. Your 39 what has that got to do with it? Tour dh is 50 that has everything to do with it and you are his 2nd time round in family life. I think at my age which has been stated I feel old enough not to randomly do pregnancy surprises.