Hating my adult daughter’s behaviours

[Rachieg414]

My adult daughter, lives at home she has stolen thousands of pounds, damaged the house,, does nothing, no job, disrespectful etc . You get the drift. I am ready to throw her out but hubby says he can’t see her on the street. It may break our relationship.. what can I do.

What would you advise a friend to do in the same situation? And what will help her most long term? You have my sympathy, it sounds awful.

I’d say kick her out she needs to learn, but I can’t just do it when hubby disagrees. I can’t live with it anymore and have told him so but I love him and would miss him

Does she know how far she has pushed you? Maybe you could give her a certain amount of time to improve or she's out?

We have done that over and over but then hubby won’t follow through and now she knows it. We have offered to help her find housing by going with her to the council etc we’ve paid for a flat which she trashed and was evicted from. I understand his fears she isn’t mentally stable but we have gone to Counseller’s Psychiatrists doctors hospitals and she refused to engage. All the mental health teams, housing, social service’s debt agents need to speak only with her as she is an adult.

Sounds incredibly stressful.. I guess then that the question is will you be ok with whatever the fall out of kicking her out might be? Ultimately she is an adult and must take responsibility for herself

The option for me is live with my family and sally or live away from home without my husband and son.

This sounds awful for you.

I have had a lot of problems with my daughter who has mental health issues. We managed to get her a council flat but she does have a diagnosis which helped. I would struggle to allow her to become homeless but she makes me unwell when she's at home because of her behaviour.

Some old neighbours of mine had problems with their son and eventually they had a conservatory built on to their garage at the end of the garden. He lived in there and didn't have access to the house most of the time. I don't know whether something like that would be an option-maybe a games room or cabin in the garden. Obviously you'd have to let her in to use the bathroom, although if you had the money to have something built you can often get planning for a shower room. This might give you some respite but you would know she had a roof over her head.

Hope you can sort something out.

Thanks for the advice.. I am also becoming unwell because of this. There is a possibility of something similar to that, I will have to speak to hubby

Sorry for your situation OP how difficult. You need to be frank with your husband and put it on the line with him. This is affecting your health, tell him he does something about it or you leave!
She clearly needs help. Perhaps some legal advice on mental capacity? If she is that mentally unwell, regardless of being an adult, is there not a way you can take responsibility for her health and wellbeing as she is not capable of making the choices for herself? Like power of attorney? It has already been proven she cannot live alone, therefore some kind of supported housing may be best, but I would imagine a diagnosis is needed to access these places, therefore can you somehow legally take control to speak to doctors/hospitals etc?
If you have no luck with that, as harsh as it sounds perhaps you do need to leave her alone in the house to gather more evidence for social services for the help that is needed. At the end of the day you are not going to be around forever, and one day she will need to stand on her own two feet so this does need addressing.
I wish you luck, and perhaps you should go to the GP for yourself OP, this is clearly having a massive impact on you

I appreciate everyone advice and to know that you understand how awful the situation is reassures me I am not over reacting. Everything you’re suggesting we have tried or I have tried. Last resort is a time scaled ultimatum. So I am giving it until the end of the month, giving hubby chance to do whatever he needs to in order to better the situation then or I will have to leave home

So sorry to hear you have got to this point, I hope your DH can resolve this, or make way towards a better life for you all

My daughter is going tomorrow and yea I am relived because it’s so difficult to live with her. It’s what I wanted so why do I feel so crap?

I am sorry it's so hard. Conflicted feelings are to be expected as you must be concerned for her and wish things were different. I hope this move will work out well for her.

Does your daughter have a diagnosis?

There used to be an assertive outreach team in mental health trusts that would support people like your daughter, but in many areas they've gone because of the cuts. You could ask if something like that exists in your area?

Do you know where she is going?

She won’t say where she’s going. I will look for that outreach team but I haven’t heard anything about it. All council or NHS is only available if she was willing but she isn’t. I hope ism doing the right thing

If you kick her out the council will have a legal obligation to house her for a certain amount of days. If she is classed as vulnerable because of her mental heath needs and has local connections she should be entitled to the councils housing system. There may also be some sort of floating support for her.

I think if I was you I would feel guilty but she is an adult and I couldn't live with another adult who made me unwell because of her behaviour. At some point she has to take responsibility for her actions and you may be thr bad guy for a while but long term this is the best way for her to take control of her life and sort her shit out.