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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Who is unreasonable here - when to stop paying for adult children?

66 replies

HoobaHooba · 31/08/2019 18:30

DD is 23, has just graduated as a teacher but hasn’t got a job for September (not sure how hard she’s tried tbh).
She has a job which is a zero hours contract, but more than minimum wage - not office hours.
She works a f/t equivalent, but hours can vary from week to week (have been the same for a while though).
She earns more than I do (but not DH).

Lives in her student accommodation she’s had for a few years now (private rent) for which we’ve given her money throughout uni (not full amount as we have another DC at uni and one about to go).
DD seems to think because she hasn’t got a job in her chosen field we’ll still pay her money every month to cover rent/food etc. But she’s earning a f/t wage - more than me. We’d like to stop this money we give her.

Are we being unreasonable - when do you stop paying for your adult children? I could be going on for a long time as she isn’t pushing herself to get a job in her chosen field.

Advice please!

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 31/08/2019 20:48

She's earning more than you. Point that out to her and ask why she still feels entitled to support. Maybe ask if she's now going to give you money!

Fatted · 31/08/2019 20:56

I think YABU that you haven't had a proper conversation with her about it yet. First thing my parents did when I got my first proper job was sit down and have the conversation with me about what I was doing. My choices were stay at home and pay keep (was only £200pm) or move out.

You need to have a proper conversation with her about it. You're not unreasonable to stop paying. But I also think that you need to give her notice to make alternative arrangements. And perhaps expect that she may want to move back in with you.

eddiemairswife · 31/08/2019 22:30

Some time ago now, but when my younger daughter graduated and came home for a few weeks and was on the dole I asked for a token contribution of £7. One third of the dole money.

NorthEndGal · 31/08/2019 22:34

You need to say to her that now that she has her credentials, it's time to be on her own two feet.

LisaMontgomery · 31/08/2019 22:36

You were supporting her while she continued her education. Now her education is finished she should be supporting herself. I don't understand how she doesn't have more pride than wanting to live off you tbh.

mankyfourthtoe · 31/08/2019 22:38

I'd tell her it's reducing each month TIL it's nil in January. Then she's time to cut her cloth.
If she'd like to be supported she could move home, you can charge her rent, chores etc,

CmdrCressidaDuck · 31/08/2019 22:40

If an adult child is engaged in FT study or otherwise clearly incapable of working FT (ill, applying arse off for jobs but so far unsuccessful), support is reasonable. Working FT and making more than you? Nope.

My parents were comfortable and were generous while I was at uni - they paid my fees and my uni accommodation, and I worked PT in term and FT in breaks to find my incidentals. But I would have been embarrassed to take a penny off them for my expenses once I graduated. I actually went back to do a FT master's after 4 years, which I funded in full from my savings.

Pinkflipflop85 · 31/08/2019 22:41

She needs to stop being fussy in her job Hunt so that she can get her NQT year completed.

I would be asking her why she hasn't signed up to a supply agency so that she can teach. It's a good way of finding out what different schools are like.

Bookworm4 · 31/08/2019 22:42

Time she stops being ‘picky’ and puts her degree to use. Tell her that you’re not funding her especially as she earns more than you. Cheeky git.

Weezol · 31/08/2019 22:42

She's taking the piss, but it sounds like you have bern incredibly soft on her and so unwittingly set an expectation.Three months is generous and if she moans about that I'd reduce it to one month.

At her age I had been living independently for over three years - full time minimum wage and three bar shifts which was pretty normal in my area. I'd have been so ashamed to have my parents paying my rent.

Haffdonga · 31/08/2019 22:50

Big mistake not to make it clear from even before she ever went to uni that Bank of Mum and Dad shuts at the same time as full time education finishes. Big mistake.

How long is her tenancy for? Surely she must have discussed signing up for another year with you seeing as she's there. If she's signed up for another 6 months or year it seems a bit harsh to cut the purse strings cold if she needs your contribution to meet the bills. Could you calculate how much she needs on top of her wage to reach the same level as she did when on her student loan? Reduce your contribution accordingly. Hopefully her low standard of living will encourage her to see the benefits of teaching in any year group.

BackforGood · 31/08/2019 22:51

I assumed this thread was going to be about treating them for a "last family holiday" or even when you all go out for a meal or something.

Of course you are right to expect her to stand on her own two feet.
I'm not sure you needed to have had a big talk about stopping subsidising her rent.... and gentle reminder maybe from Easter that the money would be stopping at the end of May obviously so she needed to get herself sorted type conversation in passing perhaps.
You've been more than generous - can't believe she is expecting you to subsidise her rent or that she thinks she can walk right into her first job with everything being 'just so' in terms of staying in her house and also picking her year group!!

Haffdonga · 31/08/2019 22:52

Meant to add that you could give the lower contribution as a loan which she can pay back (interest free if you're feeling generous) out of her higher teaching salary.

EssexSexpot · 31/08/2019 22:55

Yanbu to not keep funding her but you were a bit unreasonable just to stop giving her money without having a conversation about it. Just talk to her now and explain the situation.

Cornishclio · 31/08/2019 22:57

Our adult children have supported themselves since leaving University. Your DD is being very entitled and you should tell her she is an adult now and working and earning so can pay her own bills. What does she consider a proper job? Many students leaving Uni do not get their ideal job straight away but that doesn't mean their parents have to carry on supporting them.

Xmasbaby11 · 31/08/2019 23:00

Another one saying you've been generous but you need to stop now. She needs to support herself.

I agree giving some notice is reasonable so she can get used to it.

5zeds · 31/08/2019 23:05

I was paying my own way from about 21. Always could go home to stay but no cash from my parents. I can’t understand you dds mindset. When is she expecting to support herself

doadeer · 31/08/2019 23:05

Absolutely no way. My parents stopped supporting me at 18 when I went to uni! She needs to grow up and learn accountability!!

Dragongirl10 · 31/08/2019 23:06

23??? l will not be subsidising my children over 18!

BobTheFishermansWife · 31/08/2019 23:18

She's working ft equivalent, you shouldn't be subbing her now, maybe if she falls short due to hours worked sub her extra money, but I wouldn't give her money every month.

My parents stopped subbing me when I moved out at 23 (I paid rent but I lived at home so would count that as being subbed) my brother when he finished uni, however his phone contract slipped though and they continued paying (almost 3 years) until he got a new job and moved abroad in January as he wanted to cancel the contract, but it was all in dad's name.

They do still pay for things:
When we go out they won't let us pay for food (dps parents are the same)
They buy our son a pack of 40 nappies every week and treats for the dog too.
The do other bits and pieces too, but it's little infrequent things.

Although I wouldn't class the above as a sub and I don't take it for granted, it's just our parents being kind.

Comefromaway · 31/08/2019 23:27

23??? l will not be subsidising my children over 18!

If they go to uni you will be expected to. The amount they get in a student loan will be dependent on your income so if you are a higher earners you are expected to make up the shortfall.

My parents stopped subsidising me when I graduated. They often helped out ad hoc by treating me or helping with DIY etc but not an allowance. I signed on for 6 weeks and lived off that until I started a minimum wage non graduate job in the September.

My dd will always have a room at home available to her but once she graduates she will be expected to find a job of some kind and pay her way

AlunWynsKnee · 31/08/2019 23:37

I paid keep and helped around the house when I graduated at 21. At 22 I moved out into a shared house and at 23 I bought a house. Plainly she can't buy on a trainee teacher's salary in large parts of the country but my point is that working after graduation is when you start to stand on your own two feet.
Three months notice and tapering down. Nothing but emotional and emergency support in 2020

Soontobe60 · 31/08/2019 23:48

I stopped subbing my DDs after Uni. I discussed funding with them well before they even started Uni though! They had the choice of a monthly amount for the full year or higher payments term time only. It taught them to budget. Neither of them chose to move back home, but moved in with their boyfriends at their own expense. They didn't have jobs as soon as they finished Uni.
Your DD is taking you for a mug, OP she has two choices. Move back home or rent, but she should be paying her own rent as she is earning. It is irrelevant that she's not teaching, she is earning a wage.

Frazzled2207 · 01/09/2019 08:08

Yeah you need to stop paying.
She should be trying to get supply work- very important experience in lots of different schools and can be quite well paid. And when the job she wants does come up she'll need to explain why she didn't do that.

She also needs to be less picky and be prepared to move for the right job (don't all grads?). My dad is from London and very reluctantly moved to rural north wales for his very first teaching job. He had a ball and met my mum!

Pinkflipflop85 · 01/09/2019 08:32

She is also quite naive to be fussy about which year group she will apply for. Headteachers will move staff each year based on the needs of the school. There are also many instances where you will interview for a role in year 2 for example, but then get placed in a different year group anyway.

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