Should I just step away

[Planetrocker]

Twenty three year old daughter is back at home after finding boyfriend had been cheating on her. Previously, she had lived with him and his parent. Boyfriend is a drug dealer, has no real job because this seems to be the easiest option. He didn’t seem to have any interest in coming to meet us at any point during the relationship yet she was quite happy to live with him and his parent and pay rent. My daughter has a good job, drives ( he doesn’t) etc. She would be left alone whilst he was supposedly doing his ‘job’ and. He would stay out till all hours(!).
I’ve since found out she’s been seeing him again and saying she’s been staying at her friends. I’ve tried to step back, thinking she’s In her twenties, it’s none of my business but it does bug me she can’t even be bothered to just text to say she won’t be returning home at night. We don’t charge her any rent for staying at home and it’s not as if she helps round the house that much.Really annoyed this afternoon when I said she needs to tell us if she’s not coming home and I basically got sworn at and shouted at me she will do what she wants. Feel so taken for granted and fed up of being so supportive with all the drama she has created. Tried to tell her kindly to have more respect for herself but it seems to fall on deaf ears. What do I do? She seems to lurch from one drama to another and we end up being expected to just sit there and then be treated like crap when she feels like it. I sound a right old bag but it makes me start feeling ill.

Oh you poor thing,it’s so hard when they are adults but not completely “grown up” isn’t it.
I’m not sure what I would do other than try to find a time when she appears in a good mood and explain all this to her.Tell her how you want to be supportive but that she needs to take some responsibility too( ie for how you feel when you don’t know what she is doing) and then step back and cross your fingers.There is a great quote in a novel by Margaret Forster about Mother’s and sons which basically says that now they are adult they define our relationship with them and we have to wait and see what they want -same for daughters too but so hard...
Keep going

Hi, thanks for replying x
We’ve already had the conversation but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears. I feel she hasn’t grown up. I sooo want to get hold of that other person, he will do it all again.

She should be paying some rent. Have you broached this with her?

By letting her come back when it suits her, not have to pay rent or do any housework, you are putting her back into the role of your child again. And she is acting like one - doing as she pleases and resenting your requests.

I'd suggest that since she can work , drive etc, she should be paying you some fair rent and board money , and also doing her share of the housework. If that doesn't suit, she should move into her own place. If you don't lay down the law now, she'll still be there in years to come, sponging off you and making life miserable. You owe it to yourself to stop enabling her.