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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Unhappy that my 19 year old daughter wants to live with her non student boyfriend in her final year

50 replies

Georgie1710 · 01/04/2019 19:34

Hi my daughter has told me that she will be moving in with her non student boyfriend in her final year at uni. I have told her to wait until she finishes uni first. She is now threatening not to complete her degree as I won’t help her finance her accommodation. Any thoughts would be helpful please?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 01/04/2019 19:35

What’s your objection to them living together?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 01/04/2019 19:36

When is her final year?

stucknoue · 01/04/2019 19:38

Whilst there's complications (eg it won't be exempt from council tax) she's an adult, surely you fund her at the same level as before

exexpat · 01/04/2019 19:39

What exactly are your objections? Do you not like the boyfriend? Have they not been together long enough? Do you think she will be distracted from her studies?

I can't really see an issue otherwise. Disclaimer: I lived with my boyfriend (later husband) from age 20, during the last two years of university, when he had already graduated and was working. We bought a house together in my final year.

DS is also about to graduate but is planning to stay in his current university city and and live with his girlfriend next year while she completes her final year. It sounds sensible to me.

I think threatening to withdraw funding just because she is living with her boyfriend will just backfire and could affect your relationship with your daughter permanently.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 01/04/2019 19:39

She is now threatening not to complete her degree as I won’t help her finance her accommodation.

At 19 she is choosing to move out of university accommodation and play house with her boyfriend. She can finance it herself! The cheek of her expecting you to pay! Doesn’t her boyfriend have a job?

Original poster

Georgie1710 · 01/04/2019 19:41

This is her first boyfriend she has not known him long. He is 3 years older than her and since he left school has been working in a bar. I feel he is manipulating her and she is rushing to live with him. Her final
Year is important and her degree is very demanding. I am advising her to wait until she graduates.

OP posts:

Original poster

Georgie1710 · 01/04/2019 19:42

Starts this Sept.

OP posts:

CallMeCarolDanvers · 01/04/2019 19:42

Tbh OP unless there's a massive drip feed about the boyfriend I think you're being an arse. Why won't you fund her at the same level as currently? You're forcing her to choose between living in a place and with people she doesn't want to, or drop out of uni to get a job. If you don't have a cast iron reason then you will come across as controlling and unkind.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 01/04/2019 19:42

Is he supportive of her studies? Ultimately I can’t see that there’s a lot you can do about it.

Honeyroar · 01/04/2019 19:42

I can see your point. I lived with just my boyfriend (who graduated the year before) in my final year of uni and we broke up a couple of months before my exams. I had to find a new place to live and cope with all the upset on top of doing finals. It wasn't good.

GinUnicorn · 01/04/2019 19:43

I think when you have to leave this up to her. Fair enough to not give her any extra money but don’t cut her off.

Original poster

Georgie1710 · 01/04/2019 19:46

I have to sign a Guarantor form to pay her rent if she defaults. I am worried if he decides to leave then she will be left trying to pay his and her rent etc and I can’t afford to cover it financially. Also, when I was introduced to his mother she made it clear she did not like me. She is divorced and depends on him financially etc and I am worried he is moving in with my daughter to escape his mum. I do not want her stressed or distracted by him in her final year.

OP posts:

Bamchic · 01/04/2019 19:48

I lived with DH at uni. He never went. He was a barman. I have never met anyone so proud of me.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 01/04/2019 19:49

I have to sign a Guarantor form to pay her rent if she defaults.

Are they signing as joint tenants? If so surely he will have a guarantor too? If not then no way would I sign as guarantor for him to cocklodge in her house.

Horehound · 01/04/2019 19:50

Do not be a guarantor.

AuntieCJ · 01/04/2019 19:51

No. Don't sign.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 01/04/2019 19:51

He’s moving from his mothers house? Has he ever lived independently?

happyhillock · 01/04/2019 19:54

She's 19 old enough to do what she want's i certainly wouldn't be given her extra money, she can get a part time job like most student's do.

CallMeCarolDanvers · 01/04/2019 19:54

This is the massive drip feed I was waiting for. "AIBU to not want to act as guarantor for my DD and her minimum wage, unstable job new boyfriend when I couldn't afford the rent if they default?" is an entirely different question.

DantesInferno · 01/04/2019 19:56

This is the massive drip feed I was waiting for. "AIBU to not want to act as guarantor for my DD and her minimum wage, unstable job new boyfriend when I couldn't afford the rent if they default?"

This ^

You cant stop her from moving out, but dont be an idiot and sign a guarantor contract

Nix32 · 01/04/2019 19:58

She starts uni in September and you're already thinking about her final year accommodation? Surely it wouldn't be the same property so any guarantor agreement would have to be agreed when she moved into a place with him. Her final year is a long way away - I wouldn't worry about it yet.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 01/04/2019 20:00

No nix her final year starts in September so accommodation needs to be sorted soon.

Ginger1982 · 01/04/2019 20:01

Nix i think the OP means her final year starts this September.

alliejay81 · 01/04/2019 20:04

I moved in with my BF in my second year. He was six years older and had a job. It all turned out fine. I got a much sought after graduate job and we're now married with a DC.

She's a grown up, I'm afraid.

Original poster

Georgie1710 · 01/04/2019 20:22

At no point have I told her I will cut her off. I said I cannot risk get getting into a situation where he could split with her and she will then come to me for money that I have not got.

OP posts:

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