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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Young Adult child just moved back : rules/ boundaries

16 replies

carbuckety · 21/01/2018 14:40

I'm probably being daft but oh my goodness he is driving me up the wall. He is working locally on minimum wage and can't afford a flat/ room. So he's back with us. He is generally being helpful and I love having him here except for stuff like: when he's not working he uses PlayStation in living room all day or watches Netflix all day. So living room feels like a no go area. And he eats so much! Today he used 200g piece of cheddar grated into whole can of baked beans for brunch. Yesterday on a work day he ate 6 rashers of bacon plus toast for breakfast ( he starts at 5 am) and then beef burgers for a snack after work ( he'd taken a pack from freezer while I was out and has eaten them last few days, I'd been expecting them to be a dinner for whol,e family). Then after dinner he had about 4 rounds of toast in the evening. He often eats a while avocado as a snack. I asked him and he said at university he couldn't afford this stuff and didn't eat it. He doesn't give us any money ( he is on a low wage) as his dad wants him to save to have driving lessons and a car as we live in rural area. But he is costing us so much money I don't know what to do. We are on a fixed income due to having a very sick younger daughter and although we live okay, we are by no means well off any more. I don't want a row ( he's suffered from depression and anger and anxiety and has had a hard time). But I feel I need ideas about broaching this stuff.

I explained to him recently that when his money goes up after probation ends we may need to ask for keep and told him that we use almost all his sister's benefit incme towards her extra costs so he should realise that we are not rich. I stopped work and my FT income used to be more than his dad earns and his dad has also dropped his house to help out with her care. Any ideas? I don't want a war

OP posts:

Original poster

carbuckety · 21/01/2018 14:41

Dropped his hours

OP posts:

MagicFajita · 21/01/2018 14:46

Tell him to buy his own food? He'll think before eating an expensive avocado then.

Also tell him you'd like the living room from a certain time onwards for tv / relaxing so console has to be played in his room.

Original poster

carbuckety · 21/01/2018 15:03

I have thought if that but it would I thunk provoke an argument and I really don't want that I'm too exhausted for it. I was wondering about other ideas about how to broach it really without point blank 'pay for your food'

OP posts:

BlueUggs · 21/01/2018 15:06

Bloody hell, 200g cheese? He clearly recognises that theses items are not cheap as he made comments about not affording them at university.
I would point out to him how much he would be paying if he lived elsewhere and ask him to be considerate.
I'm sorry to say this but you need to lay down some rules and grow a backbone!!!

Notasperfectasallothermners · 21/01/2018 15:10

Suggest a fridge in his room then he can supply +monitor his own munching

Biglettuce · 21/01/2018 15:13

Er... imagine posting this as your husband and the reaction...

He doesn’t pay for food, he eats it all, he takes over the living room for his games and I don’t want an argument so I just let him...

He is an adult! Are you his servant?

BackforGood · 21/01/2018 15:18

He may be on minimum wage, but that is still a wage, and he needs to understand that some people pay rent and all utilities etc as well as food etc on minimum wage.
He needs to contribute, or, at the very least, buy his own food.
If he has been used to budgeting at University, then he should already have some understanding about cost of food etc.
I would also explain if he wants to spend all his time on the x-box, then he need to move that into his room, as other people want the living room for other purposes. (dh got himself a big tele off freecycle when at University - it needn't cost a lot).

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 21/01/2018 15:19

He needs to pay his costs. He is an adult. You are doing him no favourable at all by letting him live for free. If it takes him longer to save for a car then so be it. He can’t eat you out of house and Home and pay nothing for it! Charge him what he costs! Food, electric, gas etc.

itsalltolookforwardto · 21/01/2018 15:20

Ask him what meals he’d like that week, just friendly including him in the planning. Then he’ll know food is allocated for a meal and not for snacking.

yikesanotherbooboo · 21/01/2018 15:31

I do not expect anyone to help themselves from the fridge. You could write meal plan on notice board including eg porridge for breakfast, beans or sardines or egg ( 2) for lunch; be quite specific. He can buy anything out with the plan for himself.
As far as gaming etc in sitting room , that is just inconsiderate , he is living as part of the family so has to fit in... no need for confrontation. He is still young and probably thoughtless as a result.

NC4now · 21/01/2018 15:34

Either charge him board or make him buy his own food. You do him no favours letting him live for free.

MrsJayy · 21/01/2018 15:43

You are not joking are you ? You are allowing your son to act like a snow flake does he have a Tv in his room if not he needs to buy 1 and his playstation can go in there with the food he is being a greedy shite and again you are letting him. You need to say oiy who ate all the cheese oh it was you son well you need to buy more . Why are you and his dad allowing him to rule the roost?

Original poster

carbuckety · 21/01/2018 22:17

Things have been incredibly tense and chaotic because my daughter has been in hospital for almost 3 months having intensive chemotherapy and I've been with her. He's been holding the fort at Home when DH visits/ stays over. Also son has dropped out of university with MH issues and I don't want to get this blown up by going in heavy handed. Now we are back pretty much full time I will meal plan and put it in fridge ( I always used to but life took over) and may suggest he plans a family meal on his day off and shops for that. He is thoughtless I think, not malicious! And he has a TV in his room but likes the big room better. I will start coming in the sitting room more I think. It must sound like I'm spineless but it's been a shitty time and I am already exhausted!

OP posts:

mumeeee · 22/01/2018 10:10

DD3 is on a minum wage casual job ( events company so only works when there are shifts availableand also gets some universal credit. But she still pays us £100 a month rent.
She does watch television.and play on the Wii in the living room but she doesn't take take it over.
The rules for her are the same for us. Respect each other and don't just eat everything out of the fridge without checking with me first or if there is stuff available for lunch tell me if its getting low.
Your DS should be paying you some rent or at least buying his own.food.

madein1995 · 02/02/2018 13:42

I'm a young adult living at home (23) and I think it can be tricky. I personally don't pay rent - but that's because I work on a 'flexi' contract where my hours range from 10 to 35 a week so it's not regular. I do though pay for any food I want outside parents normal shop (so expensive cheese, a bottle of wine, chocolate, crisps, fruit - stuff they wouldn't buy themselves). I also treat them to presents. It's difficult because our standards differ - moving back home from uni is hard as it's like taking a step backwards. I'm saving up and have been offered a better paid job starting in May so will pay rent then, and hope to move out soon afterwards.

I think with the netflix idea - could he watch it on his laptop? With PlayStation it should be like it usually is in a family home - he can play it but if someone wants to watch something at say 6 o clock, then he lets them, it's only fair. With food it might be easier to ask for some money towards it - or explain that if he continues using up meal ingredients etc you'll have to start charging him, tell him to be sensible. Suggest that anything he uses far too much of (cheese) or wants outside normal shop, he buys himself

Dancinggoat · 02/02/2018 16:50

Split the fridge and freezer. These shelves have food on them for meals so you can't eat anything from them.
These shelves are snacks. You can eat anything from this shelf whenever you want. If you want extra you'll have to buy that yourself.
Do the same with a cupboard shelf. This is a snack shelf / cupboard. Don't eat anything from other cupboards as they are to cook meals.

Xbox in bedroom. He can get netficks through Xbox so can watch something in his room to leave tv for the family. You're making more areas to live that way. Even invest in a tv for his room if he hasn't got one to help keep harmony.

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