Advice please for how to manage 19 year old DD!

[Chikka1971]

Hi everyone. I've posted before about my DD and found it helpful so would love your input again. My DD is driving me and my DP to distraction. She suffers from anxiety and depression and just gives up on things so easily. She finished college in April....(by the skin of her teeth and much intervention from me). She had a part time job in a shop but complained about it constantly (even though I thought it was quite a "cushy" deal) . Eventually I think she just left and didn't turn up anymore.....she didn't tell them she was leaving. Since then she has had a couple of part time jobs which she has also hated and left suddenly. I am partly angry and partly so worried about her. I work so hard as does my partner. She has no desire to contribute to the home either financially or by doing household chores. If I ask her to do things she usually gets angry. We have a cleaner but her room is always such a mess within an hour or 2 of the cleaner leaving again. It all came to a head a few days ago when she refused to turn up for another new job she had as she didn't like the way she had been treated. I had supported her so much a couple of days before with it and had listened and given advice which she said helped. But then one more setback and that's it....she's left again. She has high ego/crippling low self esteem. Her dad was violent towards me during our long marriage. She has had no contact with him for many years now (her decision, which I support). I know she has had things hard and I feel so sorry for her so much of the time but I think I have also enabled her to be dependent on me too much. I have offered to pay for her to have therapy. She didn't turn up for that. I have given her books, listened, supported, given her money, tried to help so much but I actually don't think she wants to get better. Today I suggested she go and get some fresh air and go for a walk to help her low mood. she said she physically can't as she has so much anxiety and that I am too unsympathetic. I said she needs to go her gp then and she refused. I know she has anxiety and low mood but from what I see she has no motivation to want to do things to feel better. My DP is so supportive but he things I'm way too soft which causes tension between us sometimes. With Christmas coming up I think she is hanging out for some Christmas money from me but I know I can't give her any. That will upset me so much but I'm doing the right thing aren't I? Please help.

No real advice but

I also have a DD with anxiety and depression. I think there is an epidemic at the moment. It is so tiring the constant trying to do the right thing, and if you are to hard on them the fear that it might tip them over the edge.

My DD has seen the GP and has medication which helps a lot. I think in your case I might revert to bribery - money for christmas if she goes to the GP.

Thank you so much for replying frenchfancy. It's weirdly comforting that you know how hard this is. I will definitely keep on about the GP. Up to this point, although I have suggested it I've been keen for her to also try other psychological approaches first but seeing as she obviously won't or can't she obviously needs to go down the medication route. Maybe that will help enough to then get her to be more engaged with life if you know what I mean. She's just so up and down. And such small things set her back. I feel on edge so much worrying about whether I or anyone else will upset her.

I was very reluctant to go down the medication route, but it has definitely helped. I think there is also an element to being taken seriously as well - if the GP gives her meds then she isn't making it up.

There are so many girls and young women out there suffering, once you start talking about it you realise how common it is.

I'm glad it's helped with your child French and I hope things carry on getting better for you both. It is amazing how common this is isn't it? I have so many theories about why but none of them change the fact that it's real and so hard to shift. for you too.

I have a very similar DS, almost 20. It's really hard to know if being 'tough' or being 'supportive' is the right solution. Sometimes I just think "FFS grow up, tidy your room cos I can smell it, and get a job, any job, for some self esteem" and that he is being lazy and entitled; (I have never told him this) and other times I agree with my DH who says DS needs no further stress placing on him as he is not coping.

It's bloody awful. You are not alone in this. I have no answers for you sorry. I now just keep out of things, and that feels shit too as I feel I have been disenfranchised from being his mum, if that makes sense. God the toddler years were easy!

Thank you so much for your reply Bucking. I really get where you're coming from and it's comforting to know I'm not alone. Yes it was so much easier when they were little. I feel as though I am constantly working on eggshells and nothing I ever do is good enough. Or even if it is, the good times feel so short lived. I get frustrated too. My DP gets even more frustrated and then I try to over compensate for his lack of patience with her. But then I get why he feels the way he does as he has helped so much and it just gets thrown back in his face and he sees that she makes no effort to help herself. I'm torn between sometimes feeling she is lazy and manipulative and exasperating; and then feeling that she is unwell and fragile and I want to just scoop her up and protect her and make everything ok for her. But all I end up feeling is disenfranchised as a mum....just like you said. for you and know that you are also not alone xx