Just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who has posted. I really am bowled over by the kindness of strangers.
On some sites responses can be a quite rude but so many people here have taken the time to read the whole thread, taken more time to think about the issues and given me heartfelt yet solid advice.
Some think I should allow her back home, some think not, others think she could come back with conditions. Every post has been helpful even ones that were - how shall I say - hard to hear.
I readily admit my shortcomings as a mother. I was far too inflexible when she was younger and concentrated on the practical side of providing for my children and their emotional needs were not always met.
I clawed my way back from financial destitution when I split from their father (while pregnant with dd) he has never paid a penny in maintenance.
My pregnancy with DD was awful and left me with injuries to my pelvis causing constant pain for twenty years. It was only 'discovering' yoga four years ago that has sorted it out.
Anyone who has toddlers close in age will know how exhausting it is even if you are fit and healthy.
I was on crutches in the early months and sometimes could only get up the stairs on my hands and knees, this might help to explain why I was so 'strict'. On one trip to the hospital for treatment the ambulance nearly crashed leaving me with whiplash injuries on top of everything else. I had to fight to get home help and that only lasted a couple of weeks.
I felt that if I relaxed for a second everything would fall apart. Get them up, dressed, fed, entertained and repeat, with precious little sleep in between. I honestly felt like prisoners in Guantanamo Bay were tortured less.
My family helped a lot but they couldn't be there all the time. I was housed on a sink estate where cars were regularly torched and drugs were rife.
I read to them bedtime stories but I often skipped pages, or made up short stories in which they were the heroines. If I couldn't run around with them I tried to be creative in other ways. When we went to the park I took lots of pictures and turned them into story books.
I love my DD's deeply but bringing them up was hard. I started my own business and made a success of it but I know there were times when I preferred to be at work to the stress of home.
We got off the estate, I bought a run down house and renovated it. They have had material things that I never did as a child but I do realise that that was not enough.
They both say I am much more fun now than I was when they were little. And we love having our girlie nights. When younger DD is on form we have a riot frequently laughing until we cry, not to mention dancing and singing (they are both singer / songwriters). Some of my best nights out have been going to their gigs (and beaming proudly).
So I'm going to count my blessings, explain to DD that she cannot come back home but that I will support her living independently. However this support will not stretch to doing stuff for her that she is capable of doing for herself. I will offer to pay for family therapy if all three of us agree to attend.
And as a cherry on the cake today a vacancy came up at DH's office. She has expressed interest in applying for the job. Admin., Full time, Above minimum wage, good prospects for progression. He is clear that is up to her to make the most of it.
Thank you again everyone, you've helped me so much more than you know.