Am I enabling my 22 year old daughter?

[ffab]

I pushed her to get a job; scoured the adverts, helped her to apply drove her to interviews and training sessions. She struggles financially yet for the last two months she has not filled in her time sheets so has not been paid.

I have lent her money to tide her over. I sat down with her and helped her budget, work out meal plans, took her shopping for food and helped her come up with an exercise plan as she needs to stay fit to be able to do her job.

I suggested she speak to her manager to ask for more work. He told her that she is unreliable (doesn't turn up for work if she doesn't feel like going in) and therefore he can't give her more shifts until she proves herself. He also said she needs to grow up as other younger staff turn up regularly. I suspect if they weren't desperate for staff she would have been fired by now.

She says as the other staff live at home they have life much easier and that she “shouldn't have to think about money” and she wants to move back home.

She is comes over at least twice week as well a standing invitation for Sunday lunch. We live near her work so she stays over when she has a late or early shift.

I honestly don't want her to move back in because she is lazy, rude and messy she's also prone to emotional outbursts. She has medication for her anxiety disorder but doesn't often take it. I'm on eggshells around her.

She blames me for all her problems. She acknowledges that I give her lots of practical support but says I do not give her the emotional support that she needs.

I'm exasperated with her. it seems like no matter what I do she is determined to fail and blame me for it. I've done a lot of reading and the consensus seems to be that if you constantly do things for someone that they are capable of doing for themselves you are enabling them to fail.

Should I stop providing a safety net and let her sink or swim?

star heart diamond she won't go to the doctor's unless I arrange it I have tried to set her up with a doctor near where she lives and keep asking her to go but I don't think she has been. She recently had a bicycle accident and the other driver's insurers arranged therapy and she has been to a couple of those sessions.

Serene12 thank you so much for mentioning families anonymous I do think she use this marijuana to self medicate and the effect is to simply exacerbate her problems.

Bluebells and sunflowers I don't think she has many friends she had a boyfriend for three and a half years and they moved in together but her laziness and untidiness precipitated the end of that relationship as she wouldn't go out to work and he had to work to support the two of them.

I've talked to her about maintaining friendships and she has made some friends at work but "can't be bothered" to do a lot of the things required to maintain a friendship, like call people back or turn up to agreed outings!

As I said earlier her passion is singing and she is actually a very good singer songwriter guitarist she seems to be at her happiest when in her bedroom playing her guitar and despite her shyness she actually can go on stage and perform, but like all the other activities do you have to changes her mind at the last minute and doesn't go to gigs.

Just no. Do not let her back home.

Everyone has anxiety of some sort. Her not meeting appointments and not following up could just be because it's easier for her to carry on as she is and not bother.

I've fought depression all my life and pushed through and worked full time since I was 16. But I wanted to get better and wanted not to depend on my mum and dad or siblings.

She is a grown woman, in fact you need to back off as she has become dependant on you for making all her decisions. She should be able to food shop, budget, do what her job needs her to do and tidy up after herself. If she doesn't that's her responsibility, not yours.

She won't just move back for a couple of months if you go down that route. She will stay there and just take the piss out of you. Her room will become a pig sty and will cause stress on you and your partner. And you will be guilted into letting her stay longer.

Plus I bet you will end up lending her more money and never seeing it again.

She is no longer a child and needs to realise this. For anxiety or depression only professionals can help but it sounds like she doesn't want to get better, she wants to live at home and have an easy life at your expense.

Sometimes you don't get to do your dream job but just have to suck it up to earn money to pay the bills like millions of other people do. Plus you can hold a full time job and be a singer/ songwriter in the evenings and days off.

Sorry to sound like Debbie the downer but have seen 1st hand someone be like this and it nearly destroyed the parents marriage and their health due to a very similar sounding situation.

Gosh the incident about the overdose is awful. I don't know how you cope with that! She is putting you between a rock and a hard place.

From what you've posted I think I'd be inclined to tell her she can't come back but you will help her in anyway you can. But as a mum, I know that would be an incredibly hard thing to say to your DD.

Interesting examples of discipline during her childhood, a negative response to punishment and a very positive response (reading) to reward.

To be honest I'd feel exasperated! And I wonder whether it might be worth you seeing a therapist or some other type of professional support so you can have a chance to work through options for dealing with her (without going mad). If you have money for professional help and she is squandering it, perhaps use it for yourself. In that way you can at least maintain your sanity, and possibly gain some insight into the family dynamic.

Your daughter sounds to have quite a special gift for music, this could be key to her personal development. I think being a songwriter does require a certain amount of madness, it's the poet's pain syndrome, but it's not an excuse to be anti social, unhygienic or dependent. And her marijuana use won't be helping her depression (but she won't listen to you on that)

I agree with Sugar, get some help for yourself OP. Talking it all through with a professional will help you enormously.

This sounds very difficult.

Just a thought... might it be helpful if she were to join a band or other music group? Good singers are in great demand.

Best wishes.

It sounds very difficult op but from a outside point of view she does sound like she has quite serious mental health problems. Is that something you accept? Because you don't really sound like you do, however I do understand you're possibly running low on sympathy from having to deal with it for years

Incidentally, starting and stopping medication and therapy are things I've done over the years (on and off depression for 20 years). Normally I give up on things at my most depressed. I've also run up debts, moved home and back out again a couple of times, taken sick days from work and generally behaved in a way which I'm sure came across as lazy and irresponsible. I was very ill though and my behaviour was a symptom of that.

Seems like her manager was right. She needs to grow up.

I wouldn't let her move home, she will just give up work as she'll be living off you.

i'm 22 and she sounds pathetic ... i also have anxiety and have still managed 4 years away from home - 2 degrees, 3 diplomas, 26 hrs work each week as a manager, all at the same time, and have now found a house and am moving 500 miles away...... she's acting like a 12 year old. Anyone who doesnt turn up to work or even fill in their time sheets doesnt deserve their job. dont let her back home ... she needs to grow the fuck up

Please don't let her back home, from experience with my husband and from a close friend it does not help and makes things worse. The reason she is in difficulties is because she has chosen not to turn up for work, she has chosen to not be reliable. Yes she may have some issues that she would like to see a therapist for but this doesn't mean she can't live independently with some support. My friend is 31 and still lives at home, his mum still books his doctors appointments and will not do anything himself unless someone puts the wheels in motion. He never socialises because he has social anxiety, which by his own admission is made worse because he doesn't leave his house except to do job centre things. He ignores any job advert you send his way and walks out of job centre training courses because he is bored.

I do think you are enabling her, which is because you love her so completely can understand but having had to manage by myself since I was 18 the biggest motivator to sorting yourself out is the fact you have no choice - because no one else is going to bail you out. My husband has been protected and nurtured by his family in a similar way to you and he struggles with day to day things at the age of 32. You can still have your cosy nights in with takeaway and be a supportive ear but she is an adult now and she needs to realise this.

OP in the nicest possible way you are completely overinvolved in DD's life. You are interpreting her actions as a personal attack or reflection on you. There is no way she took an overdose to get out of doing housework for you!

She is having a horrible time and desperately needs to find herself, which means you have to step back, stop judging and criticising her, stop doing things for her and giving your opinions every 5 minutes on everything she does.

DD very likely has zero self esteem, zero confidence and no idea who she even is. Her faith in her ability to navigate life is probably non existent. You cannot fix this by further interfering.

This is going to sound harsh but the fact that you have given examples of a 5 year old child as an attempt to lend weight to your perception of a 22 year old woman's behaviour is deeply concerning. This betrays the fact that the attitude you hold, underpinning all your interactions, is that you do not see her as an adult. This no doubt is part of what she is trying to communicate when she says she has not felt emotionally supported by you.

I feel sorry for DD.

She's 22, she could be married with 2 or 3 kids and divorced. Why are you still treating her like a child then moaning because she still acts like a child?
None of us learn a lesson from what others experience, we learn from our own mistakes.
She'll soon learn to turn up to work when her phone is cut off or bailiffs turn up due to unpaid council tax. Stop babying her.

Erm....age 5, when she wouldn't tidy up, you deprived her of all food in the evening, then again in the morning, then sent her to school. What the actual fuck??? And then when she "refused" to learn to read aged 6, instead of getting to the bottom of her feelings/difficulties with it, you bribed her with a bike (and apparently basically resented her success, as if she'd sort of scammed you all along). It's all massive stick/massive carrot, with no actual help to process WHY she's having probs soon the stuff.

Just reading these two anecdotes tells me a hell of a lot about how your daughter must feel about any demands/expectations, and why she's going out of her way to avoid them. You told them to show what she's like as a person, but actually it shows what you were like as a parent.

I'm sorry, I'm not usually so outspoken on here, but that anecdote shocked me...who the hell does that to a five year old?

Oh, and I second everything Mysterycat said above.

Mysterycat23 davidbyrneswhitesuit. Thanks for your input. I gave the examples above in response to a poster who asked what she was like as a child.

I will readily admit I am not a perfect parent but I was trying to do my best as a harassed single parent at the time. She clearly doesn't respond well to negative stimuli and I never did that again!

She said, in response to why she took the overdose that she didn't want to "let me down" with the housework. I didn't need the work done I was trying not to just 'give' her money.

One of the reasons for anonymity on a site like this is to enable honesty. I do think the overdose was a way to get away from her responsibilities.

I may be wrong but I honestly believe that she wasn't trying to kill herself. A friend was staying with her, she told the friend what she had done and the friend called an ambulance (and then called me).

I agree with Mysterycat23 that I am too involved in her life. But since the overdose I do worry that she might do it again if she doesn't get the right help and might be successful. (She didn't realise how dangerous the tablets she took were). That is why I have tried to help her with therapy doctor's appointments etc. I love my daughter and I don't want her to come to harm.

NannyRed "Why are you still treating her like a child then moaning because she still acts like a child?. When you put it like that it sounds obvious! But my intention is to help her transition to functioning adulthood. The budgeting etc is what she says she needs.

Her telling you she overdosed because she "didn't want to let you down" with the housework you'd offered her isn't quite the same as doing it to get out of it, if you listen carefully to her phrasing.

I still think she sounds really anxious about any expectations/requirements of her; maybe it'd be best if you didn't involve yourself at all in the practicalities of any of it, but try to listen carefully, without advising or judging, and just be there for her emotionally if she wants you, even if that means her failing on some levels. That seems like it's almost what she's asking for when she said she had your practical support but not your emotional support (iirc from above).

Good luck, OP... Strikes me that it's very entangled, and there may be a lot getting played out through all this. You could always consider getting your own counselling to support you, even if she finds it hard to persist with hers....

davidbyrneswhitesuit One of the first things I did was get my own counseling as I found dealing with her so stressful that my hair began to fall out.

The counseling has helped enormously and I have also started meditating, again really helpful.

I am trying to listen without advising or judging but I acknowledge that it is very hard. I come from a very judgemental fundamentalist Christan family, so unlearning those patterns of behaviour are a long term process for me.

Ah, well done you, Ffab - that sounds like such a sensible move amidst this kind of stress (and I do know how painful it is seeing your child struggling and feeling unable to make it better for them).

I'm sorry you had that kind of upbringing. That sounds really hard for you, and puts the anecdotes I was shocked by in context - I guess it's like trying to learn a new language from scratch when we've not been looked after that way by our parents, isn't it?

Sounds as if you're going in the right direction with her. Don't disengage, but re-engage on an emotional, rather than practical, level if you can. Of course, all so much easier to type on my keyboard than to put into place in the real world!!

I feel for you. I have one like this. Luckily she has found a job she loves though regularly threatens to give it up if she's feeling low. WHile she does have anxiety/mental health issues I also feel she uses these as excuses to get out of things. NHS counselling useless, I pay for private now but I know she doesn;t follow up on what advice is given.
I would love to do tough love, but at the extent of risking all hell blowing up - smashing things, threatening to kill herself etc. Overdose history already.
What's the history with her father? My DD has suffered from domestic abuse with exH.
It's so hard because these people do feel unloved and unappreciated, but their distorted perception prevents them from seeing that half of it is how they behave. And a vicious circle because if one tiny thing goes wrong they then see it as the end of the world.
I try to be kind and supportive, huge praise and recognition for success, providing a structure (do all her washing, provide meals, change her bed and hoover her room ....I know...) while gradually attempting to show her how to do things, (again!) build up the demands/expectations. Not always successful and have to bite my tongue a lot. And sometimes (like yesterday when she was blaming my computer for something) I just say fuck off back. Sometimes that works!
If she is out of your home though, I would suggest for your mental health (!!) that you support her to stay there if possible. Explain why, gently. That we all have to decide how we want to live and that ultimately she is the only person who can make her life a success. That you are there for her when she needs you. That you know she can do it. And you have a life too. Good luck xx

Twillow and davidbyrneswhitesuit Thanks so much for your thoughts. I split up with her father when I was pregnant with her and she has had no meaningful contact with him since she was born. He lives in another country and he only visited in the UK once just after she was born. He and I are not in contact and he's never paid any child support. She is friends with him on Facebook but I think it's a very superficial relationship. She does have a reasonably good relationship with her stepfather who was on the scene between the ages of 4 and 14 although he does see her emotional well-being as "not his responsibility" he does take her on holidays etc.

It's hard when as a single parent you do the work of two people that are criticised by your children for not doing enough. Like many parents I feel guilty for not giving her as much attention as she needed when she was young as I had her and her elder sister to bring up was trying to run a business and also had an ongoing disability from the pregnancy.

My life is in a much better place now but it does feel as if her emotional chickens are coming home to roost.

Ffab I just want to add that there's some harsh words in some of the posts but glad to see you haven't taken them to heart. I hope you can just focus on anything that you feel is helpful or useful from the responses it sounds like you are trying really hard for your dd, emotional issues mixed with possible mh issues is a hard one to untangle by yourself.

It's time to cut the cord and throw her into the deep end. Sink or swim. You being her constant back-up plan is doing her no favors. Tell her that she has 2 weeks of help and then that's it. She'll learn fast.

Regarding work and earning money - I. All honesty I'm almost 40 and still don't think I've found "my calling"! However I've progressed via a variety of roles where I worked hard and got stuck in and gradually climbed the ladder
I think it's naive to think at 22 she should have a dream job! At that age I was at uni and temping . My mum made me do a secretarial course at 16 cos "if you type and do word processing" you'll always be able to get a job.
Annoying as it was she was right. However I now do the hiring at my company and do notice people of your DDs age expect it all right now whereas I started as the receptionist then did filing then was a PA then HR manager . It's a process and you have to prove yourself
Sadly if she's lazy, entitled and unreliable she won't go anywhere. I recently let a guy go who showed so much potential but was a constant piss taker - always late, calling in sick etc - we have to let those people go to show the staff we have who are hard working and reliable that hat actually means something

I meant to add and the point was that you have to get on with the shit and boring jobs to prove yourself and get on i life
I'm now a senior manager and actually my DH is the CEO but you'll still find me stuffing envelopes and similarly crap jobs if it is needed