Anyone else had more than one 'difficult'/'high needs'/'spirited' baby?

Sympathy to you. Unsettled babies are really hard work. Your post reinforces why I am not a fan of the ‘high needs baby’ concept (despite DS fitting every single one of the criteria from hours old). It’s too black and white - it makes it seem like there are difficult babies and easy babies, with nothing in between. In reality, temperament is a spectrum and resulting behaviour is highly variable depending on the developmental stage (/phase of the moon/whatever). It’s rare to have a child who is always very difficult or a child who is always very easy. As hard as it is, try not to take it personally. They aren’t crying because of you. Being 6 months old sucks. You understand things but your body is generally useless and you can’t either get or articulate what you want. My bet is easier phases will be heading your way, just like your first 3 months weren’t too bad. To be honest the entire first year was dreadful for us, but it got infinitely better when DS could walk and talk. A lot of the personality traits that made him a difficult baby have made him a pretty okay toddler.

Im wondering if your DD might potentially be a red hearing and wether her behaviour is more than just ‘high needs’. Her reactions to predictable change sound really extreme for a 4 year old m. Does anyone else see her regularly who you could chat with about her development? Does she go to nursery or anything similar?

• red herring!

Yes first and third with middle one being easier. They are all grown up now but my theory is that a lot of it is boredom and gets better as they can do more and move for themselves. I was totally exhausted as had to walk around with them continually and they wanted to face outwards in the sling to see what was going on and as they developed talked non-stop!😂 Neither slept through til 4 years old and had very little sleep in comparison to middle one who did 12 hours once I stopped breastfeeding at about 11 months. The first one I allowed to read until he went to sleep (he was very early reader) last one I'm afraid I resorted to videos in his room til he fell asleep. If it's any concilation they both turned out to be highly intelligent straight A students and gave very little trouble as teenagers😉

If it helps, both my babies were quite tricky - sleep was bad for the first and atrocious for the second. Looking back I think there may have been ongoing reflux and/or wind issues for both of them that made them both really uncomfortable (DS2 was basically miserable unless he was on me and never wanted to lie down at all). Both now sleep really well though (2 and 5) so I hope the same happens for you! DS1 is also quite high-strung, if not quite to the extent you're describing, but again this has definitely improved with time and him being able to articulate his feelings better.

One intense, one very placid, but the effort was pretty much the same, surprisingly. Even the easiest babies are work.

Yes. DC1 was an absolute angel, a complete dream, and many years later, still is. DC2 was the devil. DC3 is also the spawn of satan. Should have stopped at the first one as I nailed it 😂

My first was such a difficult baby. If she wasn't asleep she was crying. She was always so unsettled and unhappy. I've no idea why. She was a feisty, demanding toddler (but sweet natured too) but since primary school age she has been an absolute dream! She is so calm, kind, caring and helpful. People are always commenting on what an angel she is. So take heart OP, difficult babies and toddlers can become A LOT easier. In contrast my son was the perfect baby - rarely cried, so content, always smiling. He was just very easy. It seemed like a miracle after my first! However, he's now a bit of a handful. I mean he's not terrible but he can be difficult, argumentative, moany etc. As he was such an easy baby I really imagined he would always be an easy going, laid back person but he's the opposite! So both my children have become the opposite in terms of temperament compared to how they were as babies and toddlers.

Why are you creating some blame thing about yourself. They are genetically similar. They can quite possibly have similar traits. It's not you. Well it could be be you. You might be a shit parent. But I doubt it. 😂

This was me and my babies. DD later diagnosed with ASD at 4, me at 39 and DS is on the pathway for ASD and ADHD. Both refluxy, crying A LOT, unsettled, poor sleepers (one in the day, the other at night). I felt a huge failure but with hindsight it was just the way it was, I don't thhnk any techniques and advise really helped. We just had to ride the storm. It is much easier now aged 8 and 9.

The main thing that kept me sane in the early days as going out daily walks, groups, library, anywhere! I think I would have been kinder to myself if I had known I was autistic before having the children. Please, please do not think this is something you have caused.

In the later years it was helpful to chat with others with higher needs children. I think I naturally gravitated towards these people anyway. Plus gallows humour.

I took lots of photos of them and looking back it looks like we had a lively time! The stress at the time was so raw though. I even wanted one more baby to prove I could do it properly😫I now know there is no proper way and I did fine, sometimes really well, sometimes abysmally, in very difficult lt circumstances.

Look after yourself as no one will get it 100%, and those who are closer to understanding, probably have the same shit going on.

Hi @SecondhandTable hope you’re doing well.
I was wondering how your two turned out to be in the end. My first was a lockdown baby and honestly you could name me anything and I’d probably say my first had problems with. She was/ still is on many occasions extremely high need! Shes turned 3 last month and still has her moments of full blown tantrums and crying but has calmed down a lot. I’d still say she’s quite high strung and stubborn.
I also have a 3 month old, and honestly deep down I was praying and hoping that I’d get an easy going baby this time around but nope! This one has been very unsettled fussy crying lots and lots.

Please tell me it gets/got easier for you😔 Just feel deflated thinking about the constant needs of my children!

Hi @SecondhandTable thank you for your response. Your DC1 sounds a lot like my first child. Shes such a sensitive soul, if a button is out of place she starts crying!! Everything has to be right! Still has her clingy moments with me in particular at night time.
And wow, what a striking similarity. I couldn’t go anywhere with her, let alone go in front of guests! She used to scream murder.
Honestly, I always think I have ptsd from my experience with her.
It’s honestly so refreshing to know both yours are doing well. I hope my second DC also becomes easy going like your one. Can’t have another highly sensitive overly emotional needy child!😢When did you start to notice the difference in your DC2 if you don’t mind me asking? X

Dd was a demon pretty much from birth and still is something of a full energy tasmsnian devil. We're worn out trying to deal with her and her apparent complete lack of need for any sleep whatsoever. My nephew is the same. Both my sister and I realised she and my nephew were do difficult that for all the tea in China there was no way in this world that either of us would ever have another child after them, it would be impossible to manage as they are that much hard work. I think there are degrees of difficult. Hard is OK and doable, mad, non stop, chassis and a child who never sleeps before 2.30or 3am and is up by 6am every single day for ever is somethung can't imagine to many people risking a repeat of😅. Thank the lord for caffiene or we'd never get through a day!

Yes DD1 screamed until she was 1, and DS1 is the same.

Husband has had the snip because I'm not risking a third round 😂

(DD1 has been a dream since she was 1, DS1 is still a baby so the verdicts out yet!)

@SecondhandTable sounds tough few months with your DC2’s illness. Hope he’s doing better now.
Reassuring to know the two DCs get along so well. My eldest is quite good with the newborn too, however, does have a tendency of touching him all the time! Constantly touching his face, his head!

Can’t wait for them to grow up and become More independent. My little boy is such a poor sleeper it’s unbelievable:-(.

@CupOfCoffeeandaPineappleChunk Bless you!!!!
It sounds so hard, the lack of sleep! Don’t know how you do it.
I’m struggling with it! My little one rarely sleeps, his naps are non existent. He wants contact naps which isn’t always possible as I also have a 3 year old who can be very demanding!

How old is your little one now? Hope they’ve settled a little. Good luck!!!

@Anonymous2610 the whirlwind is nearly 7. Melatonin!! Our salvation. She can't fight it, even with all the will in the world
Originally i was given it in Spain,l. i then spoke to the GP about it who said its perfectly safe to give it to her daily and it is better for her to sleep properly. I also discussed it with a friend who is a consultant psychiatrist and professor of neurophysiology. He deals,with sleep disorders. He is,sure she has,adhd but we can't see the point of medicating her ( ritalin etc), its not a nice thing, adhd is who she is, if she gets to a point when she can't cope then that's when it gets re considered but she's a wonderfully happy (feral)soul. He agrees melatonin wont hurt but will do her good and save my sanity a bit. It only took us 5.5 years until we discovered it. I cannot imagine anyone daring to have another child with one like this, another might be even wilder. Imagune the double act🤯( I think they'd be prescribing gin out of sympathy in the NHS!!!

@CupOfCoffeeandaPineappleChunk LOL! Don’t know how you manage it! I was going to ask actually if she’s got ADHD. But you’re right, she’s far too young to be medicated. With age, she’ll know how to better manage the condition without any medication.
They say the second child usually is more easy going, though I’m yet to find that out lol. Mine still seems so unsettled (3.5 month old) and oh boy, doesn’t know what sleep is! Lol.
I never understood how some children just sleep through the night, my 3 year old just about started sleeping through the night even then, on most days, she’s up looking for us.

Yep,, I feel for you @Anonymous2610 . Both mine were prepared and had to be fed every 45 mins. It used to take them at least that tu drunk their ounce of milk. It was eternal but my oldest started sleeping as soon as he could have more milk in him and was very placid, the second, well,, you have the idea already;she's already destroyed every item of clothing we got for School 4 weeks ago ( beyond redemption) as they are shredded from constantly being up trees, over fences, pummelling into the floor, she never stops,ironically she's abnormally small for her ahead being on the 0.2nd centile whereas I'm 5ft8.5 and her brother is 6ft 2 weird world

So difficult when you are low on sleep.
It's hard work.
Make sure there aren't any under lying chronic low pain problems like - sore ears, worms, gastro problems, UTI, teething, allergy to cat or dust mite, toe fungus, and that the room is not too cold etc.
Otherwise, it's a waiting game. Sheer drudgery yet much joy at times and catching sleep in turns.
From Kindergarten age onwards is delightful.