How can I stop them screaming, and when I say screaming I do mean proper ear splitting screaming?

[NatalieJane]

We have 3 boys. 8, 4 and 18 months.

When DS1 was younger, he went through a stage of screaming when he didn't get something he wanted, we consistantly ignored it, didn't give in to his screams and eventually he gave up the screaming and it was over with.

DS2 hit this stage about a year ago, he has speech problems and so he screamed more often for not being able to tell us things, his speech has gotten a lot better over the last 6 months, but he still screams, a very high pitch, loud, ear splitting scream. e.g. yesterday he asked for a drink of milk, so I went to get the milk out of the fridge, he screamed the place down, I asked what the matter was, he said no not milk he wanted squash, I said he didn't need to scream he could have just asked, so I got the squash, put it down on his table and he screamed again, he wanted milk not squash??? How do I deal with that? The last thing I was going to do was get him milk, but by then it's too late anyway, he's already screamed the place down twice, for things that he's asking for, that I've got.

And now DS3 has been doing the same for the last 4/5 months, between the pair of them it is sometimes seems near constant, and it is a problem. They seem to be learning it from each other.

We have always ignored the screaming, not given in etc. etc. but it doesn't seem to be getting the message home. And last night our next door neighbour came round and complained about the screaming.

I just don't know what to do about it, the only way to stop the screaming instantly is to give in to whatever they're screaming about, which obviously we don't want to do, but we can't just let it run it's course anymore, that approach isn't working, and I can't put the neighbours through it anymore.

Sorry this is long, but could really do with some advice.

You have to more than just ignore, you have to set a clear consequence. "If you do screaming, you won't be getting milk, juice or anything else but you'll be sitting in your room by yourself". He'll then scream the place down for five minutes till he realises he's getting nothing, and will then learn to ask nicely.

Ah yes do the 'if you scream you'll go to your room' problem is he screams and kicks about, throws things about, banging on the door, screaming so much he sometimes makes himself sick, and then falls asleep on his bed.

SWC, we do just completely ignore, no eye contact, no facial expression at all, and once he stops screaming, if we say anything, he'll just scream again.

Is there nothing we can do other than to carry on ignoring it? It is driving us mad! And the poor neighbour has every right to complain, even if it is only adding more pressure on us!

No I don't think he is finding speech hard now, certainly not for everyday want's and phrases, he is more than capable of asking for milk if he want's milk and asking for squash if he want's squash, he just doesn't seem to ever ask for what he want's, he asks for the other and then screams when he get's it!

This isn't all just about milk and squash obviously, so many other things, like he'll get into bed, I'll say which story tonight, he'll say 'Ducks' so I pick the book up about ducks, he screams, 'no no no no tractors'. If I carry on with the ducks he just screams and can't hear anyway, if I get the tractors then he's 'won', I've given in.

I've tried making him choose, so instead of 'would you a like a jumper on?' I'll say would you like a Thomas (the tank) jumper or your yellow one' again he'll say one then scream for the other.

If I don't give him chance to have a choice, he'll still just scream.

He simply just screams! We do the reward charts and especially with his speech, we do go over the top to praise him for using his voice, especially if it's at a time where he would usually scream IYKWIM?

I just don't know what to do anymore, like I said this has gone on for over a year, we can't go out for a meal anywhere, supermarket, even just doing the school run I've had some looks of bewilderment more than anything. His screaming actually hurts our ears, I wish for his sake we can help him stop, sometimes I think he must be so frustrated with it himself, granted other times I'm not so kindly thinking

Aha, SWC, I think you may just be onto a winner there. Will deffo give it a go, as you may be able to tell, the neighbour complaining was just the last straw, I think even just having a plan to go forward with has cheered me on not to just give up!

Thank you again, from a slightly less about to crack up mum!

omg mine did this

it was DREADFUL

almost as bad as the vomiting on demand thing

unfortunately, all you can do is ignore. Was caused by speech problems in mine too so it is bourne out of frustration.

if it makes you feel any better, once we went to the library and ds didn't really want to go. I had to look up the plans for something. The minute we walked through the door he screamed, like that ear splitting scream AT THE TOP of his voice. Was dreadful. I could see the look in his eye too but he was so defiant at that age grrrrr. I put him outside but he kept following me back in. Eventually, people in the library complained so I had to leave (understandably - I was trying to ignore him but it's impossible in a public place) but my goodness did I lose my temper with him at home .

they do it for attention and out of frustration and then it becomes habit. You have to ignore it or even better, put them somewhere they can't get your attention like in the garden and close the door. It went on for a while and even now, mine have a tendency to scream more than most children grr

SWC, yes we do lots of corrections, to the point where we have now found ourselves in the situation that when he has said a full and proper sentence, and we've understood perfectly, he isn't happy we've heard him until we repeat it back to him, we spent so long repeating things back correctly that he has can't understand why we don't always have to do it anymore! It is madness really, but what else can you do?!

Fox, tell me about it, it is really embarressing, and it shouldn't be, it isn't his fault he does it, but when you see people looking at you, especially because I do the ignoring thing, they must think I am not taking any notice at all, and have had more than once mumbles of "teach that kid a lesson" etc. And how many times kind hearted people have tried to calm him down (don't have the heart to explain why I'm ignoring him!) but then by the time he's screamed at them for a minute they walk off disgusted! It is so sad, he is a great kid (I know I'm biased, but he is!) he's got a cracking sense of humour and enough cheek to pull it off, I just so wish we could move him away from the scream.

Doesn't help that DS3 seems to be following in his footsteps... oh the joys eh?!

agree with small nat

dd1 is very demanding she is 5 on the 29th of augshe has been very good the last few days
usually she screams if she doesnt get what she wants i use the naughty step and warnings and a reward chart

I would clamp down hard. Ignore or if that dosn't work naughty step/time out. It needs nipping in the bud. Do not give in at all.

You have my sympathy as Ds was (and still is sometimes) a screamer. A friend of mine used to speak in a REALLY quiet whisper when her children started screaming. She would exaggerate the words on her lips but say them really quietly and maybe cup her ear at the same time. So she would mouth "I can't hear you" really quietly so that the child needed to stop screaming to hear her

If the child calmed down, she would whisper a bit louder "I can only hear you if you speak quietly"

It worked the couple of times I saw her use it but your dc do sound like they scream a lot so it may not work but maybe worth a try

Just signing in because DS is a screamer, too. He is 6 btw and his speech problems are mostly behind him; I had really hoped he'd outgrow it by now. He doesn't just scream, he WAILS. I feel like I've tried most the things here, nothing will cure it, I fear.

Heaven knows what the neighbours think.

I have a screamer too - he's just turned 4. He has no speech delay but he doesn't seem to be able to control his emotions. He doesn't really scream for things, he just kind of falls apart over something very minor and starts screaming. I try the 'how to talk' approach of ' you seem very upset/angry'. Sometimes it works but if he's too far gone for it to work I tell him he's hurting my ears and send him to his room. I'm not sure anything is going to cure him at the moment - it doesn't seem to be something he can control. I'm just hoping he'll grow out of it some time.

OK, so in practise the "ask nicely and you can have it" thing is working, except in certain circumstances.

We get up to his room, he get's into bed, asks for a drink, I get him one, bring it up, he screams for milk, I say 'no, I've got water', I can tell he wants the water (call it mother's instinct!) so add 'would you like some water?' he screams 'no no no', I say 'right, well g'night then' and close the door, he screams 'no no no', I go back in and say 'if you'd like some water, say Can I have some water please?' so he says it nicely, I ask him to sit up so he can drink, he screams 'no no no' and we're back to square one.

He wanted the water, DH has just taken it back up and he's had some, now all quiet. He did as I asked - asked for it nicely, but then won't sit up to drink it.

The making him ask nicely is working to the extent that he will eventually ask nicely and then he get's what he wants, but no signs yet of him asking nicely off his own back (though has only been just over a week, so probably too soon) but now he has found a way to make that approach not work. Short of physically forcing him to sit up (which obviously I wouldn't do) where do I go from here?

There are other examples of this, he will ask nicely but then plays up on the secondary need/want.

Am determined to crack this, I am just no good at the whole 'this is the way a child's mind works' thing.

Just a little bump

the second he starts making that noise, say "Speak nicely". If he does manage to stop himself and say something nicely, explode with praise and attention, however, if he carries on screaming, pick him up like a sack of fragile potatoes (- ie not cuddly) and put him in his room. Put him down on the floor, say "No screaming" and then shut the door and leave him.

And do it every single time.

NJ he's four. they are stroppy little fuckers. Ds2 has good speech but still indulges in fake crying, threatening fists, shouting, and baby talk (which I don't tolerate from him because his his speech is perfectly standard and he should speak to his ability) and rolling around on the floor flailing his limbs in a distressed manner.

And I am consistent about reminding him to ask nicely, but he rarely does this unprompted. He'll get it eventually, and so will yours.

With my dd (5), ignoring her had no impact what so ever and she could keep it up for hours. Now, when she starts screaming, I calmly say that I am going to count to 10 and if she is still screaming, I am going to take away something. If she is still screaming after that, everytime I get to 5 I take away something else. The first time, I got to nearly 40. I never even get to 10 now.

Sorry he is 3 not 4... I know, my mistake

Colditz, I don't know if it is stroppyness. I am really starting to think there might be something underlying going on. But then, we spent the weekend just gone at my mum's down south, and he was as good as gold, he screamed once, I asked him to ask nicely, he did, it was over with. None of the palava we have here. So maybe it can't be something underlying, he obviously has some control over it? There is no fake crying/shouting/baby talk etc. just the screaming. Am sure my mum must think I am egging it up, I'd warned her time and again how bad it had got, and then he only did it once, at home it can be as often as once every half an hour.

Goosey, I've tried that, taking his toys, reward charts, the pasta in jars things, none of it hit's home to him.

Oh, just before anyone thinks I am 'jumping on the band wagon' re. suspecting something actually being wrong, that isn't just based on the screaming, he is developmentally behind in other ways - obviously talking, he was late walking, eating, he has only just got his head around the names of numbers, he can't actually count that he's got 3 books or five balls etc. He can't seem to use a pencil - he can do a very dodgy looking face and that's it. He is 3.7 years and is still in nappies full time, shows no interest whatsoever in potty/toilet training. Am constantly on the verge of ringing the HV, but firstly I don't know her (we moved last year and have never met her), and secondly, I am worried that they will be a bit quick to give him a 'label' and that's it, everything is excused IYKWIM?

I said before he is such a lovely little boy, kind and caring (his cousin was having a bit of a hissy fit at the weekend and DS2 went up to him and offered him his popcorn to cheer him up), he's funny, smart (in his own way) give him a jigsaw and he'll sit and finish the whole 100 pieces! He knows the name of letters, he does animal noises but not so hot on the names, colours he can do basic red yellow blue, but things like purple, orange, grey etc. all very hit and miss.

I don't know, I don't know what to do for the best, I really hate the idea of him ending up with a label around his neck all through school, and it being used as an excuse, if there is something there, then that's fine and we'll deal with it obviously, but it seems to me they are all too quick to blame a condition, instead of trying to combat the symptom. Am I making any sense?

he's three and a half, he's hitting his milestones for that age - he's not expected to know the names of numbers and my otherwise bright and pleasant 4.3 year old can't count past 12, and still gets muddled.

he worries me, and sometimes does, but he is normal.

Do you think? I've only got DS1 to go off and I'm sure he was doing it by DS2's age. I am not one for pushy pushy, 'he must be able to read fluently and know his 41 times table by the start of school' at all, I am quite a relaxed parent, and I let them do things in their own time, and don't panick if he isn't doing something by x time, but at the same time, from my experience with DS1 and seeing other children at his age, he just does seem 'behind'.

He's gone being the 18 month old lining up his cars in colour order (all of them facing the same way, red ones all together, yellow ones all together etc.) which seemed a bit of an achievement at the time to a three and a half year old who can't even pull his own trousers up, or put some socks on.

He still does the cars thing though

Anyway, have kind of gone off topic, what do I do when he has asked nicely but then, even while I'm trying to do as he's asked he's kicking off about something else?