I'm an awful parent, don't know how to change....

[FakeTanGirl]

I've fallen into a bad parent trap. I don't know if anyone can really help me get out of this rut. I don't know where to start the change. Ds is 3 and we are still co-sleeing. He wears nappies and has a dummy. I give in far too easily just to get some peace. I buy him whatever he wants when we are in a shop. I give him biscuits for dinner if he doesn't eat what I've cooked. He doesn't drink enough milk and is quite underweight. I am finding parenting extremely hard and don't know where to get help.

My mum doesn't understand and can't believe how I've let it get to this. Ds hits me. I am bullied by ds throughout the day. He decides bedtime. He screams during bath time that I don't bathe him very often. DH is self employed and not at home much and will make any excuse to be away. He is either very passive, or too aggressive. It's a mess. I feel like putting ds up for adoption and going back to work, and filing for a divorce!

I really don't know, but probably people would suggest using supernanny methods, I don't like how she deals with kids. I would pick one thing and start from there working through each problem a week at a time. Don't be so hard on yourself at least you want to sort it out. The thing that would bother me the most is the hitting. He shouldn't be allowed to that at all let alone to you. Have you tried talking to ds trying to reason with him? I have a 3 yr dd and usually I find talking to her works, but maybe girls are different? There must be lots of websites though that might be of use to you.

You are right, it's got to change.

It sounds as if you are too exhausted to set limits and it also sounds as if you are not being supported by anyone. You need support, especially with a toddler. Don't beat yourself up about it. You are doing your best.

If I were you, I would contact your health visitor, as she may be able to let you know of parenting courses locally. I went on one when DS1 was about one and it really helped. I learned lots of ways to set limits, but I also enjoyed meeting other mums who were also struggling with being a parent. It made me realise everyone found it hard.

Also, your health visitor may be able to offer you some support for a while, if you're lucky. I was diagnosed with post-natal depression when DS1 was 7 months and my lovely health visitor visited me every week until I started to feel better.

The other thing you might find out about is the charity HomeStart, who provide free help to anyone struggling with a child under 5. It would probably be a big help to you if someone could take your child out or play with him for a while, whilst you have a rest or catch up on chores.

Reward charts work well at your son's age, by the way. Focus on the behaviour you find most difficult (hitting you would be top of my list as this is unacceptable) and tell him that he will earn stickers when he is kind. When he has earned enough stickers at the end of the day, he gets a treat - extra playtime with you (if you can stand it!), a trip to the playground, a special DVD to watch, etc. Maybe give him a small surprise treat occasionally to show him how well he is doing. I used reward charts with both my children for a while and I used to give them a surprise present of a comic each when they were halfway. I think the Supernanny website has advice on reward charts, plus some free charts that you can download.

One of the good things about reward charts is that you start to notice the good things your child does - it sounds as if all you notice is the bad stuff, which is not good for you or your son.

Am off to bed now, but I really hope you get some help. You are doing your best in difficult circumstances. Don't despair.

erm, he is 3. His behaviour is maybe a bit OTT, but not all that unusual....believe me, I had a 3 year old boy once...

Things that are most decidely NOT bad - co-sleeping, nappies, dummy (well, not too bad).

My DS co-slept, breastfed, and was still in nappies at 3. Within 6 months, he was in his own, bed, off the breast, and potty-trained.

I agree that you need some help with a very strong-willed boy, but it is NOT TOO LATE, and you are NOT an awful parent.

Some 3 year olds (especially boys) are still almost non-verbal, they kick and bite (mine kicked...he is now a great footballer!). Of course it is NOT acceptable (as Supernanny would say!) but please don't give up on your DS or on your abilities as a parent.

Do you have the How to Talk so Kids will listen book? that might be a starting point...

also you need to get your DH on board - it is too difficult to do all by yourself.

Yes, I think there's a bunch of things going on here.

Co-sleeping is only a problem if it's stopping you from sleeping.
Nappies - meh. Dummies - meh.

The eating thing, has he always been thin? Or is he losing weight? It's a hard age for food, and an easy area to fall into battlefield mentality, but you can't really force a three-year-old to eat. I know it's hard to stick to your guns when you're worried about his weight, so maybe take him to see a HV or whatever's appropriate for his age, see if they're concerned about his weight, and if not, let that one go. Toddlers will not, WILL not, let themselves starve to death voluntarily. If he won't eat much, he won't eat much. Decide how much effort you want to put into cooking special meals and providing alternatives for your own sanity, and then stick to that. And give him a multivitamin for peace of mind.

As for going back to work and filing for divorce and all of that:

Why not go back to work? You'll get a break, you'll feel like you've recovered some identity (not that all women lose identity when at home, obviously, but you sound like you've lost yourself, and that no-one is giving you any positive feedback, and if you're defining yourself as Parent and yet feeling like a bad parent, it can't be good), and as a bonus you might find that daycare helps get your son into a routine. Even part-time. Is that a possibility for you, because it sounds to me like it would be positive all round.

And you need to sit down with your husband and have some of this out. It's simply not on that he gets to decide to abdicate from the position of Dad just because it's "too hard", leaving you to do everything. Set some family rules, if you can; everyone is home for a shared dinner at least 3 times a week, the family has a shared outing every Sunday, that sort of thing.

Once you've got a bit of confidence back in yourself, you might find it easier to lay down some boundaries around bedtime and bathtime. At the moment you sound like you've got absolutely no support and absolutely no self confidence.

Sorry, am writing in a rush and can't respond to all your points. But just to address one: co-sleeping is fine and doesn't mean you are a failure. My daughter co-slept and wore nappies until way past four. She was also underweight but the doctors said that was genetic, which may be the case with your son as well.

In re the milk, try cheese or yoghurt?

Don't feel bad, really. It can change and it will.Can you enlist your mum for some support so you can get some time away from him? You are not an awful parent. We all need support now and again.

I would focus one one thing and I would choose the eating thing to 'fettle' first. This might have knock on effects to his behavior too. He might not feel that great if he is not eating properly.

I agree with the others that there are lots of children co-sleeping, wearing nappies, having dummies etc at this age. You are not an awful parent.

Stop buying biscuits and the like so that you can't give in. Make meals that you know he will eat and give him those.

One of my closest friends has a three year old who only eats biscuits and tic-tacs. She is a miserable little thing but my friend feels like she is in a trap and gives in really easily to stop the moaning. It's like a vicious circle.

I tell my stubborn three year old quite often that I am the Mammy and she is the little girl. She would run the country not just the family if she could. I also say to her, in a nice encouraging way 'when you are a lady you can come back here and buy that ' She seems to think that's OK and that it will happen. Sometimes I then maneuver her onto talking about what she might be when she grows up or whatever. Good job as last week she was shouting the shop down for a orange polka dot bikini.