Struggling with 2

[Gargula]

I'm struggling at the moment and don't really know what to do about it.
I have DS 2.8 and DD 12 weeks and am feeling like a crap mum. My main issue is that DD does not like to be put down very much - and the only way she'll nap is next to me. So my DS, who has always been the centre of my attention, is getting much less and playing up because of it.
Also, my DD does not sleep very well at night so am knackered and snapping more and more at DS. He has been pretty good with DD so far but I can tell he's sometimes pretty annoyed with attention she gets (trying to pull her off me while I'm feeding her - clinging on to me saying "my mummy my mummy" when she starts to cry )
I do go out with them everyday and have tried to keep DS's routine as far as possible but I know that it is affecting his behaviour and feel almost that our relationship is suffering .
So what can I do? How do I get DD to go down for naps? Swaddling and conventional slings are out of the question at mo as she's in a pavlik harness, leaving her to cry is also not an option.
Can I do anything or am I just consigned to feeling guilty forever??

I only have one so I am not the best person to advise but didn't want to leave you unanswered because you sound so down! You are not a crap mother, you are just trying to do the best by both of them!

You say leaving DD to cry is not an option and obviously you wouldn't want to leave her crying for ages but have you tried leaving her for a few minutes to see if she'll self-settle? While feeding her, can you read to your DS so that he feels he's getting your attention too? Or is it possible to leave your DD with your DH/DP for an hour or two at any point during the week so that you can spend some one-to-one time with your DS - letting him choose what you do/where you go?

Oh dear, poor you!

I'm not full of suggestions but I have DS1 who is 2.5 and DS1 19wks and can totally sympathise.

Do you have anyone who can offer you help? Any family/friends etc who could come and watch your DD whilst you give DS some quality attention?

I think the key with getting them down for naps is consistency, but as yet I haven't been able to crack this! Like you I have tried to stick to DS1's routine which ultimately means that DS2 doesn't always get to sleep when he needs and will get overtired and be harder to get down.

Does your DS have any particular favourites? My DS1's is Thomas the Tank engine so is delighted if I read him a thomas book or let him watch a few thomas episodes whilst I am feeding.

Sorry I'm not much use but wanted you to know you're not alone and it will get much, much better. DS2 was quite a demanding crying baby till about 12weeks and then he totally relaxed (although still doesn't want to sleep!) so maybe your DD will hit that magic mark too?

Your DS will cope as well, it wont be long before he cant remember a time when she wasn't here.

I had a similar age gap between my two and it can be hard. Will DD nap in the pram? If so then walk to the park at nap time so you can give ds some one to one there or even just round the block till she falls asleep then wheel her into the house. I use to end up the soft play quite a lot as my older dd would go and play and I could feed the baby or even get a cup of tea. And remember things will change and generally get easier.

It is hard, but it gets easier very quickly I had a 15month gap (now 2yo and 1yo). It was particularly hard from when baby was about 1 month old to a good 4 months old. But then ds2 began to be happy for short periods of time in bouncing chair/play mat etc. Then sitting, playing/crawling, being entertained by big bro etc! Just be kind to yourself now, don't expect too much and make thing's as easy as you can for yourself. It will pass quickly. Also I did have to leave ds2 to cry quite a bit so I could see to ds1 when need be. It wasn't nice and not something I wanted to do, but the older one notices and the little one won't be harmed. If your ds needs your attention and lo is cying maybe just see to ds and make a comment such as 'oh, that baby...all that crying!' Then see to lo as soon as you can, but without rushing with ds?

Hi, thanks for your messages and ideas.
I'm feeling a lot better now as have had two nights of pretty good sleep - 6.5 and 7 hours, woo hoo!
Still struggling with naps tho. ramblingmum no she will not nap in the pushchair, or the car, it just results in hysteria! She barely napped at all yesterday and got really overtired - sigh.
The staff at my local children's centre assure me that the best start in life is to be carried for 6 months - i guess my DD has decided that this is the way to go. Hopefully the pavlik harness will be off in a couple of weeks and I can go back to my sling.

But it doesn't have to be you doing all th carrying. Get some help, DH, your Mum, anyone (if there is no one see if your health visitor or local college could put you in touch with a trainee nursery nurse for a while).

Use the time when someone else is dealing with DD to: sleep, have a quiet cup of tea, and play with DS giving him full attention. It will pass.

My DS used to wait until I was feeding his sister and then be naughty just out of arms reach (I remember something about a potty once).

Try to give him good attention when he is being good. But these first few weeks/months can be hard, it really isn't easy for anyone.

mummytime you're totally right about DS playing up when I'm feeding DD. I'm decidedly not potty training right now for that very reason -
[thinks of DS with full potty and shudders]

I found going from one to two very stressful for similar reasons. DS was very high maintenance - fed loads, slept little and wanted to be held all the time

It may sound like a long time away but DS is now 6 months (DD 3.2) and things are so much better. DS will nap in his cot and he will roll around on the floor, usually with dd "helping" him. They actually interact lots more and after an initial shaky start, DD now loves him (in her words) "more than anyone in the whole wide world"

In the meantime, try and grab short bits of quality time with your DS - visit lots of friends and relatives who can hold your dd whilst you do a jigsaw/read a book etc. with DS. DD also loved "helping" me - so at bath time, her job is to wash DS with the sponge and at nappy changes, she gets the changing mat, wipes etc. out ready for me.

I don't know anything about a pavlik harness but would she be able to go in a swing ? We had one of those Fisher Price things and it was about the only thing DS would go in and give me and DD half an hours peace.

Don't feel guilty and you are not a crap mum. I thought I must be so useless when everyone else managed fine with 2, 3, 4 + children but I think most people find the first few months difficult

I have DD1 who is 23mths and DD2 who is 8 weeks.
Some days its bloody hard work!! Your not a bad mum at all.

DD1 hasnt really shown much jealousy towards DD2. She did hit her on the head the other day but i think that was more mid-strop and she was the nearest thing. She hasnt done it since.
Shes just started the terrible two's and when shes having a tantrum it is very hard work, especially if im feeding DD2 and cant get to sort her out.

I try to spend time alone with DD1 during DD2's naps and at weekends when DH can have DD2. We dont have any family near so no helping hands for me which can lead to some very stressfull days.

I too use the occassional peppa pig episode to occupy DD1 if shes being trying and i really need to do something or feed DD2.

Anyway, just wanted to say your not alone and keep posting... we can moan together

just wanted to add you are not alone - i have DD1 2.3 and DD2 3 weeks and it is really bloody hard! I feel very guilty a lot of the time - on fri DD1 was eating cheese and crisp sandwiches in front of the telly and singing along to the jingles on cbeebies while i was breastfeeding DD2 and i suddenly realised how much i had let things slide!

no advice really, just do what you can to get through the day and hope that it will get easier when they are older, that's what i do!

A lady helped me get a trolley for the girls (23mths and 8 weeks) in Tesco yesterday. DD1 was being a pain and I was struggling as the trolleys were stuck together and having a newborn in my arms.

We got chatting and she had her second when her eldest was only 18mths. She sympathised that it can be hard work but assured me it does def get easier as they get older

Take the rough with the smooth and think of the benefits when they are older and occupying each other - Or so ive been told anyway!

Well I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one struggling!
I am sure that things will improve as time goes on but sometimes it does seem pretty relentless - if I could only get DD to nap anywhere but on me, that would be a start!
Pigleychez i know what you mean about "trolley incidents". I have to take DD to hospital every week to get this stoopid harness checked - hospital waiting rooms, newborn and 2.8 year old DO NOT mix well.

Ha ha squeezy it's terrible when your kids can recite all the words of the CBeebies jingles isn't it?!

I have watched my DS not only learn the words but also the dance moves to a few of those and had a terrible sinking feeling about my parenting skills!! I dread going to other people's houses who might have the TV on in case he showcases his talents there and my cover is blown!!!