What do your children call other adults? Trying to walk the line between formality and respect...

[ValiumtheConqueror]

A friend referred to me as Aunty Valium the other day, and I had a real issue with it, which is pathetic really. The friend grew up, and continues to live, in a strongly religious community where such practice as referring to adults as Aunty and Uncle is normal. I understand and respect that, and am keen to foster some form of respect for their elders inmy children but feel Aunty/Uncle use is unfair to DDs actual aunties and uncles.

I grew up calling adults Mr and Mrs (apparently I used to ask "who is s/he to me?" as my mother always said "Mrs Bloggs to you!") but feel that it's too formal for my children.

Is Mrs Firstname too odd? What do your kids do???

I have always hated aunty/uncle for anything other than the real relation. Why call them something they're not? i wouldn't be happy with my chidren calling anyone else mummy so why would I want them using another family title? Each to their own though.

Respect is entirely attitude. You can make Mrs Dragon sound disrespectful just as easily as you can make Soup sound respectful.

I agree with the respect being attitude SoupDragon.

The aunt/uncle thing is mostly a cultural thing not everyone is keen on it.

I'm not sure its cultural, more family habit. Growing up I can remember several friends doing the aunty/uncle thing but we were all the same "culture".

If anyone called me Aunty Soup I'd insist they just called me Soup. even my own niece and nephew.

First names. Can't bear aunt and uncle (unless they are my siblings of course).

One thing shocked me when I was little though I must say, I had quite a few friends whose parents had separeted and had new boyfriends/girlfriends that my friends had to call aunt/uncle. That really freaked me out at the time and actually still does.

In DH's culture you do call adults as a sign of respect, as you said earlier you would not call a grown up "mum" or "dad" if they are not your parents so I suppose uncle/aunt is the next best thing in terms of respect and autority IYSWIM.

LOL at Gorionine, I recall a particular friend had a lot of 'Uncles'. I agree, it is a bit creepy.

I don't really like the Auntie/Uncle thing for non relatives. It's confusing for the child. But then I don't particularly like being called Auntie by my nephews and nieces once they are teenagers or older.

Generally I would expect my child to call someone whatever I called them, eg: elderly neighbour might be Mrs Smith whereas teenage paperboy would be James. First names generally except where a title is a formal mark of respect for all, such as Dr or Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms for teachers.

My DH calls his Mum and Dad by the first names and always has cos that's what everyone else called them. I find that wierd. I would hate DS to call me Penguin.

we use anuty and uncle for family friends who are forever friends (people who have known Dh and I since childhood)

I try to use Mr & Mrs for people the boys are just getting to know. and first names for other people.

it is funny there is a littleboy at school who calls me Mrs Greyskull and it tickles his mym and I every time. I have told him over and over that he can call me ByThePowerof but he won't do it.

My dds call most adults by their first name, including the aunts and uncles they're closest to, and msot children call me by my first name.

We have been influenced by Quaker friends who see a virtue in everyone addressing everyone by first names not titles. I like that idea.

I still don't expect my children to be rude to adults, or other children, nor do I expect adults to be rude to them. You can encourage mutual respect without needing titles. I am very down on my children being rude to people, but that's nothing much to do with the name they call someone.

First names for children I've known since babyhood. More formal for DDs recently made friends. I have several friends in Asian countries whose children call me Auntie.

I wonder is Aunty/ uncle 'non relation' a northern thing? My northern friends have instinctively introduced themselves to DD as Aunty etc but my more southern friends havent and I am just 'siamese' to their kids.

I was brought up to call mum's friends 'Aunty' as a sign of respect. Mum is northern I still call some of them Aunty now, which causes DH some confusion!

He calls them by their first names, if we do.
The important thing is that he is polite, says please and thank you, does not interrupt etc, not what he calls them.

Fennel - I didn't realise that was a Quaker thing - I like it.

ds (4) calls all adults whatever i call them. if it is my sister he calls her aunty if it is my friend he calls them by first name. if it is someone i call mrs x then so does he. respect is more than what you call someone. it is how you treat people.

from the quaker blurb on the subject:

The Quaker testimony to equality stems from the conviction that all people are of equal
spiritual worth. This was reflected in the early days of Quakerism by the equal spiritual
authority of women, and by the refusal to use forms of address that recognised social
distinctions. Equality is also a fundamental characteristic of Quaker organisation and
worship, with the lack of clergy and any formal hierarchy.

so for them it's linked to equality. I think they probably do have aunt and uncle titles in quaker circles but the idea of no social distinctions goes across ages too. Woodcraft folk does the same. No titles. Respect not formality...

First names, but very politely. It's tone of voice or context that's important. I am very old, and my parents thought using Auntie and Uncle - even for real aunts and uncles- massively common (sorry - before you get offended remember that I am so much of a relic that I can't bear to say the word "toilet"!)

So first names, for everyone except parents and grandparents. And teachers, obviously. And anyone who has made it clear that it's not appropriate - Scout master (Skip) Cub person (Akela). Crochetty next door neiighbour "Mr X"

Oh yes I am strict on Tone of Voice. More than actually saying please or thank you, it's the Tone. And the Facial Expression.

I even have an explicit No Sniggering Rule. it's a punishable offence.

DP's family seem to think Aunty and Uncle are common too. Miserable buggers.

I have no siblings, but ds calls one of my closest friends Aunty [insert name]. I like this a lot. It helps maintain a particular, special bond I think.

Ds loves saying excuse me. Because sometimes he finds it hard to summon saying an adult's name (I found it hard to use Mrs SoandSo when I was little, strange). Not sure if that's a good way to go, sounds quite sweet at 5.

' I was quite surprised to hear that as I remember the frisson of finding out a teacher's first name, and I'm sure I could never have used it. '

It is very easy to find it out these days. One school I go to has the teacher' photo and name to wear around the neck-it can quite plainly be seen as Mary Smith etc but they still call them Miss Smith. Teachers sign letters with their names so there is no frisson to it.
Now that my nephews are teenagers I am trying to get them to drop the 'Aunty' before it gets too much of a habit. My mother can't stop my cousin's calling her Aunty-but she would like to! One cousin tried to get his DCs to call her Great Aunt X but that was a step too far for her! I think it is an age thing, we had the bizarre thing of my very elderly FIL being called Uncle Bill by his nephews and nieces and Bill by his great nephews and nieces.