Have I gone too far?

[sweetie66]

Ok, this is my first post so please bear with me, and it is long.

DD is 6yrs and is generally a good child. But lately she has been having very bad temper tanturms. The pattern is she wants something, is really good to get it, gets it and then is horrible.

So this morning she was asked to go in the kitchen for breakfsst and all hell broke loose. Basically was very rude, nasty and refused to go. Cue lots of shouting by DH and I to get her in the kitchen (she wanted to eat in front of the TV which I don't like her doing)

She calms down and has her breakfast fine. She is then asked to go upstairs and get ready for school. She wants to play with toys. We say dress first then play. World war 3 erupts. Again we get the shouting in our faces and being really rude and definant. We go to the bathroom to do her teeth and while she is doing them she is still being horrid. I tell her off and she spits in my face! I then say she cannot go to her friends house tonight for a playdate. Tears and tanturm continues even worse.

She slightly calms down enough for me to sit her down and talk. I say she had the choice to be good or bad and she choose bad therefore the punishment is no playdate. She screams at me it is all my fault, I explain she is responsible. She then stamps her feet while running round the house, throwing herself on the floor and screaming.

DH thinks I have been too harsh and wants me to allow her on playdate but punish at the weekend (we were all going swimming) I think if we back down she will know we do not follow through on threat and will continue to be bad. Je also feels other child being punished as well. I feel Mum will understand this behaviour needs to be dealt with.

DH takes her to school and explains to parent no playdate. DD goes into melt down and DH has to explain to teacher why.

During the tanturmm DH and I also began to argue as he didn't agree with my actions (although didn't know about spitting till I told him and so DD heard us shouting. I also said some horrid things to DD (I told her I wished she wann't here) of which I am totally ashamed.

Soooo, the question is do you think I went too far? Also how can we start to control these tanturms? When she has one she says some nasty things which I think she is getting from DH and I

DH and I have said we are going to sit down and discuss how we discipline together so that we can support each other (even if we don't always agree!) rather than argue in front of her.

I truly don't know what to do anymore. I really don't like her when she is being like this but cannot help but feel we are making her react like this. Is this normal 6yr old behaviour? I know the spitting has come from school because she has told me a boy got sent to the head for spitting.

Sorry I know this is long. Please can some one help???

IMO yes you did. But I am a bit lax. I think she needs to be told just how much you dislike this behaviour and how she makes you feel. She's old enough to have empathy. Dealing with a tantrum by making a child more upset isn't going to work.

And no, it's not unusual for a 6yr old, or any age TBH. Is she not sleeping very well atm because of the heat? My youngest is being a bit arsey right now but I put that down to him not getting to sleep till 11ish and then having to get up at 7.30 for school.

"DH and I have said we are going to sit down and discuss how we discipline together so that we can support each other (even if we don't always agree!) rather than argue in front of her. " I agree with your DH. DH and I often disagree but we don't do it in front of the children. Counter-productive and confusing.

Thanks OrmRenewed. I can see what you mean about making her more upset being counter productive, but I felt if I "backed down" and let her go she would know that I would not carry out future threats. Didn't really know how else to deal with this.

She is sleeping OK although she was tired last night and probably still a bit this morning. But I don't want to excuse her behaviour by saying this.

I am sorry to say DH and I do argue in front of her. I don't think we really understood what an affect it was having on her but clearly it is. This is something we will work hard to stop.

Not unusual behaviour at all so don't worry at all about that. Forget about saying things you regret, it's done and finished.

Going forward I would suggest three things (1) always give a warning. No matter how horirble my kids are being they always get a warning, stop that now or else .... specified punishment. (2) ALWAYS follow through with what you have threatened so they know you mean business. The tricky thing is picking a punishment which is worthshile but not so major you will regret it!(3) Sometimes depending on what manner of awful they are being I just give them a bored "don't be silly" and ignore it. When they have phases of being particularly vile I am sure it is about attention so I refuse to rise to the bait.

Also completely agree that you have to be united in front of them even if you are seething inside.

I don't think you went too far. A delayed sanction ie waiting to punish at the weekend would only confuse the child as the moment has gone. Sanctions need to be immediate.

I know this may sound very controlled/overpowering but in our house we have a basic set of rues. I am sure at yr school there is something similar. School call them golden rules. At home we call them "Things to remember" It is a list of very basic dos and don'ts. eg dress for school then play would be on there. we negotiate (to a degree) what goes on there and it is written on a poster which is hung up on the kitchen wall.

if kids have a hand in deciding what the ground rules are they are far more likely to accept them. your dd may be too young for this but you could involve her in the basics.

Good manners are rewarded with treats (mine are older now so its extra playstation/pc time/cash/cd etc) bad behaviour has a 3 warning system which is what they use at school. having the same system as school I think helps. Sanctions include no pc/dvd/tv, no pudding, no going out in the garden to play etc Its differentiated according to which dc it is eg ds1 (16) might be no pocket money or confiscating the guitar or computer leads for a set period.

You will need a joint approach with your dh though. if you are not both singing from the same hymn sheet it will lead to all sorts of problems later on.

Good advice Kickbuttowski. I never gave her a warning just went straight to punishment. Suppose I never actually gave her a chance to be good.

Also I realised the punishment was probably a bit too harsh and I should have choosen somenthing different. Yes I really do regret stopping the playdate!

I think DH and I both need to work on our ignor tatics. We are both guilty of reacting very quickly and then thinking later.

I do feel very guilty about the things I said to her. I keep thinking she will remember how horrid I was too her.

I don't think you went too far at all. Spitting in your face - yuk! I'm sure you'll do this playdate another time. Your dd does need to accept that her actions have consequences.

'DH and I have said we are going to sit down and discuss how we discipline together so that we can support each other (even if we don't always agree!) rather than argue in front of her.'

• Very good idea.

I doubt she will remember to be honest, although my dd (6) still reminds me regularly of the time I shouted "JUST SHUT UP" at her about a year ago. Whenever I am telling her off for shouting or having a bad attitude towards me she trots this out and says I hurt her feelings I have to bite my tongue to not call her a manipulative little madam and instead say that sometimes mummy gets cross and says something she shouldn't.

Thanks eatyourveg, a set of rules would be a good thing for all of us. I think we need to explain what we will accept and what we wont. This would help.

I think in this case I could have stopped TV for a couple of days as punishment rather than my knee jerk reaction and stopping the playdate.

It seems the warning system works for you all so that is something we will definitely start.

As usual it is the simple things which you never think about.

I do feel she is on the whole a good girl and this doesn't happen all the time which is why we find it so hard to deal with.

Absolutely the right thing to do to sit down and agree between the two of you.

I think KickButtwski's point about giving a warning is good. She needs to know what is at stake or else it is automatically going to seem unfair when you impose an arbitrary punishment.

Personally I also try not to withdraw something I've already promised -- so if I've said that DS can go on a playdate or an outing or do something in particular then I don't take that back but will find an alternative sanction. Sometimes I've had the wit to say "Yes, you can go to [wherever] if you behave well [or whatever]" and then I think it's fair game.

Yes to warning. Sorry if I didn't make myself clear, I'm not saying that sanctions shouldn't have their place, but saying 'right no playdate' in the middle of a tantrum isn't that helpful. I usually find that it's best to get the tantrum out of the way - let her calm down - and then when there is time to talk quietly, explain that next time there will be sanctions.

Don't worry too much. It's not a horrid or severe punishment, and it's close enough to the event for her to remember what caused it (and you can always do the playdate another time when she's being more amenable).

Bored warnings are the way to go. We count backwards:
'DS, clothes on.'
'DS?'
'DS, I said clothes on...ten...nine...no, you DO need them...eight...put the truck down...seven...AND socks...six...'

Oddly, of all our three children, only DD has ever asked what would happen if we got all the way to zero (and DH told her she didn't want to know!)

Thanks everyone for your helpful advice.

Ormrenewed, I can see exactly what you mean about not doing the punishment in the middle of the tranturm, I just reacted way too quickly. Your advice is very helpful.

I like your idea of a bored warning Lancelottie! I really need to work on that one. Think that would give me time to calm down as well as her.

I can see now that the punishment needed to be done but I chose the wrong thing. Also I was as shouty as her and did not help calm the situation.

Ok am off now to pick her up and take her home. Am going to ask the Mum if they can have the play date later in the week.