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How to handle babies seperation anxiety?

5 replies

Hattie05 · 04/07/2010 04:23

Hi all

I really need some help.

I have 3 dd's my youngest is 7months and has never liked being left alone. No matter what i do i cannot persuade her to go to sleep in her cot. She also screams as soon as i walk out the room during the day when she is happy playing.

She had major colic from 0-3mths and got carried a lot for this reason. Then from 3-5mths, she calmed and could be laid in the cot alone and she'd drop off to sleep no problem. But something switched and she now just screams when i leave the room.

She does not have fear of cot, because when i put her in it she livens up, giggles, crawls around in it and sits up, but the minute i leave the room she cried blue murder. I've tried leaving her to cry but she will scream for 20minutes with no sign of stopping (i don't want to do this anymore because i don't want her to become afraid of cot altogether).

If i sit and pat or sooth her she just gets all lively. So i try sitting in the doorway not looking at her, but she still plays in her cot like its a game and she's trying to get my attention. so mostly i resort to cuddling to sleep which can take a long time and leaves me guilt ridden that dd1 and 2 have to fend for themselves all that time.

Help !!! and the reason for my 'need' to do something about it is i've just found out no. 4 is on its way!

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PrettyCandles · 04/07/2010 07:28

Two issues. 1stly the separation anxiety: I thnk you're just going to have accept this one. You can't change the situation, it's a normal develomental stage. I found a playpen very useful. the baby could see me and be with me, but didn't have to be held all the time. It worksbetter with some dc than others - some are more independant, some are clingons.

As for the 2nd issue, the settling to sleep, I think youare going yo have to bite the bullet and accept that there is ging to b some crying. I'm not saying to do CC. But if you consistently to the same thing, and be boring about it, she will eventually accept the new status quo and go to sleep more easily. It could take a week or itcould take a few months. But you have a few months. So it's not a crisis right now.

Set up a bedtime routine that you can repeat very accurately. Always read the same little book (or, to save your sanity, one of no more than three). Then cuddle her in the same way, tell her the same "dd is sleepy and is going to fall asleep in bed now " settling down phrases. These phrases are as much for your benefit as for hers, because you are telling yourself it is going to work, but eventually she will recognise them as sleep cues. (I've been telling my 3yo the same settling down phrases since hewasyour dd's age, and, no matter how bouncy and wide-awake he is, when he's in bed and I tell him them he starts yawning and his eyelids droop.)

Then you leave the room. Switch the light off, shut the door. She howls. You go back in, you stroke her (lay her down again if necessary), you say something like "Shush, shush, lovey. Time to go to sleep." You don't switch thelight on, you don't pick her up. It helps if the landing can be dim as well, to keep her room dim too.

Here you have to make a choice. For how long do you stroke her? If she settles, you could stroke her until she is calm and leave the room. Or you could stroke her until she is asleep - but she could wake in any case when you stop stroking her. And it doesn't sound like she's going to do that, anway. If she won't settle when you stroke her, then you have to leave the room. Your continued presence rewards and reinforces whatever she is doing. You want to reward her for settling down, not for bouncing around.

Whatever you do, she is likely to cry again when you leave the room.

So she is going to cry. So you go back in again. Lie her down, say the same "Shush, shush" phrase, do the same stroking, go back out, shut the door. Even if she doesn't settle down. You go in and out of her room as many times as it takes.

It could take several hours fir the first night, but it should take fewer and fewer repetitions night after night.

Listen to the crying. Is it an aggrieved whmper? You don't need to go in to her. Is she getting distressed? Go to her.

I used to go in at 20-30 second intervals at first. There is no need to leave the baby crying, but at the same time she has to be given the chance to sort herself out.

Sorry for the long post and for the telling you how to do it style. I could try to rephrase it, but then it would be even longer, and afirementione 3yo is now bashing downthe door of my refuge (the ensuite)!

HTH. Remember, it can seem like an unchangeable nightmare, and the first nights can seem to go on forever (not seem, they do!), but consistency and determnation will pay off, she may he angry but will not suffer, and you will all be better off in the long run.

Hattie05 · 04/07/2010 20:18

Wow thank you pretty candles!!

I have tried this sort of thing, but she gets more and more distressed. But aside from that i think i back down, as i feel guilty to the other two as they are just next door trying to sleep too. I have to put them to bed all at the same time because i just don't have time to do dinner and help with homework and bath them if i then do staggered bedtimes.

But saying this, your post has given me renewed motivation and i will persevere. At least i have summer holiday's coming up so i can leave the others to go to bed later!

Thank you and i shall let you know how i get on.

OP posts:
PrettyCandles · 06/07/2010 11:57

Good idea t leave it until the summer holidays. Much less time-pressure.

How old are the other two, and are they good sleepers? Perhaps you could put them to bed first, give them a chance to fall asleep, and then concentrate on dc3? The trouble with putting the baby to bed first is that in the early days of sleeptraining it could take hours before you can leave him.

My 3yo is also youngest of three. No1 was a champion sleeper. I had no idea what I was in for with nos 2 and 3!

No2 needed help at aroundyour no3's age. I did CC. It worked, but I regretted doing it. Dd found her thumb and became such a heavy-duty thumbsucker that I had to stop her sucking at 4y because it was distorting her jawbone. She then became a nailbiter. I think CC caused it. It works but is IMO too agressive and should only be a last resort. When dd was about 12m and was sharing a bedroom with her big brother, she needed help again, this time with falling asleep rather than staying asleep. This time I did the shush-pat without leaving the room. Dd screamed a lot, eventhough I didn't leave her at all. Ds1, OTOH, would fall asleep and stay asleep through it all!

Once over that bump she became a good sleeper.

Because of our experiences with dd, I refused to sleep-train ds2. A mistake, because exhaustion led to a non-functioning, bad-tempered mummy and an overwhelmed daddy. It would have been better for the whole family if I had bitten the bullet and done it. But we were all too tired and upset to see that.

Anyway, when I finally did something about ds2's sleep, ds1 was about 7 and dd about 5. I did the technique I described to you. I addressed the night-time wakings and bedtime separately, but I don't remember in which order. Again, ds1 and dd wererarely disturbed. I explained to them what I was doing with ds2, and made sure that they understood that he was not being left to cry, that I was going to him, and that he was crying because he was angry - I compared it to a tantrum.

He, too, is now a good sleeper. Those days - nights! - are now but a distant nightmare...but boy did they go on forever when we were living the nightmare

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Hattie05 · 09/07/2010 13:34

Well it worked!

I couldn't wait til summer, so 3 days ago, i put 8mth dd3 down extra early for bedtime (so the older two didn't get disturbed).

She screamed solid for an hour and i popped in every 5 - 10 mins to reassure. She conked out an hour later.

THe next night it took 15mins. then last night took 20 mins with less desperate screaming.

But the best thing of all is for the first time in months i tried her in her cot for both naptimes today and she's gone off after singing to herself no tears at all!!!!!

Thank you so much prettycandles.

And to anyone else who can't quite pluck up the courage to leave them to cry - just do it cos its miraculous.

Hope i havn't spoken too soon....................................................

OP posts:
PrettyCandles · 09/07/2010 13:46

Fabulous!

With older babies things do sometimes go backwards a bit after 3-5 days - it seems perhaps that they realise there has been a change, and challenge it. But I don't think that happens with younger babies. They are more accepting of a change in habit.

If it does, just keep going as you have been - it will be fine.

Soon you will be able to enjoy bedtimes again

(...until no4 comes along - MWA HA HA HA HA!)

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