Boundaries with MIL, who looks after dd

[lindy100]

My dd is 11 months and I have recently returned to work. MIL has kindly offered to look after dd two days a week long term, which I am very grateful for and happy about, as dd loves PIL and they dote on her and she is looked after very well. She goes in her sleepsuit, has breakfast and dresses when she is with them on these days.

All fine. The only thing is that although we send a choice of clothes with her on these days, so far she has always come back not only wearing something different, but something different that I have never seen before which MIL has obviously bought for dd and not shown me.

I have no problem with this per se, can see how she must really enjoy buying cute clothes for her first grandchild and see her wearing them, but it makes me sad I think it is all part of returning to work issues - not making all the decisions for dd any more and slowly losing control, which I know is inevitable anyway as she grows up.

I am tempted to dress dd before she leaves home, but don't want to become passive-aggressive about it or, worse still, find dd STILL in different clothes and therefore find myself having entered silent warfare with MIL (she isn't that kind of person, I unfortunately can be).

Maybe I should relax - am I wrong to care just a little bit? I can see how trivial this appears and also know that as dd gets older there will be more important things, so I should 'pick my battles' and this is probably one I should therefore let go.

Let it go, it's only an outfit and your DD is getting loving care from her grandparents.

Thanks - sometimes I can't work out what is or isn't reasonable, and I'm having trouble with this one.

ikwym but I can't think of any tactful way to put it with your MIL and (unless you know differently) I doubt that will have even occured to her.

I can totally understand your feelings. I think you know you shouldn't make an issue of it. But it still isn't wrong to care about it.

When I went back to work MIL has had both DS and DD from 3 and 6 months old, one day a week. I would get so terribly wound up by things she did differently - not because it was MIL doing xyz, because It Wasn't Me doing xyz.

My MIL likes to provide 'her own' everything so clothes, nappies, food etc and will never take a penny off us for anything at all. She isn't being controlling, just being kind and generous and loves her GC.

Still doesn't help the mummy guilt that we should provide 100% of our babies needs. But actually the mummy guilt is wrong - it takes a village to raise a child, and its better to let go little by little when its to a loving capable adult that they are forming a special bond with.

I've really rambled on here, sorry! But your feelings are totally normal and reasonable, but so are your MILs actions.

Leave her be, it gives an old woman a great deal of pleasure.
She's donig this for not payment, right?
Are you dropping her off in nightclothes?

what moondog said - say nothing

although I have to say I'd want the clothes washing before they go on my DD

no! that's too fussy!

I kind of know what you mean and how it might be making you feel sad, but I think you should let it go.

When I utterly failed with breastfeeding with my dd1 my own mother told me that it was one thing in the huge array of things that I was going to be doing for and with my dd. First time she goes across the monkey bars, making her birthday cakes, hearing her read, getting her first pair of school shoes, teaching her to tell the time etc. Endless experiences and just because one hadn't worked out, there would be more and more of them to come.

I even wash my own clothes first - they smell funny!

Now I feel like a slattern...

you should
(and you should see my house...)

that's it - I'm cleaning my house (sobs)

I have to get my head round similar issues all the time so know how hard letting them go can be.

My MIL is trying to do similar and hasn't even started caring for DD but will do two weeks today when I return to work
Hang in there, I do lots of counting to ten!

Many of people will tell you to be greatful for the help etc as they don't have it which is true but in my very limited experience it seems to be the little things that get you

It is probably the highlight of her day! Lovingly dressing your dd in a nice new outfit. She comes home with it every day so you are getting free clothes!
What happens when you send outfits that your mil has bought for her, back with her? Does she dress her in them, or does she always dress her in a new outfit?

"although I have to say I'd want the clothes washing before they go on my DD"

Eh???????

What the others said! Defo pick you're battles my mil used to look after dd two days a week and she is controlling and did lots of things I dislike (childrens tv on all day is one) don't get me started on food!
She had her for just under two years as I'm now on maternity leave again! I'm dreading her going back with dd2! It's little things like not doing activities with her (i offered to pay fo Jo Jingles/caterpillar music etc,....but mil not interested just wants the time with her granddaughter to herself!) so I've now filled her days we have something on everyday so when she goes back she will ask for these activities!!
Defo pick battles I had to fight with mil over food and it resulted in her lying to me I believe! At one stage she had just turned two she was getting half an iced bun an either chocolate or ice cream which is way too much sugar for a 2yr old especially when at home she would occassionally get ice cream she went on to be requesting it daily! And younwant to be able to give treats now again not have them given
y someone else!

My mil didnl the clothes thing as well I used to bite my tongue and just send the items back next week washed!

We used to have a bag of clothes so she had a choice of several outfits to pick from this helped a little! I don't think in yours or my case it was malicious it's just grandparents wanting to help! Think of the financial saving you are making with her helping to help bitethe bullet!
We did a diary so what dd ate/drank/bowel movements etc.... and any general observations this helped me not feel sonout of it! It's hard giving your child to family rather than paid care especially when it is free as if you pay it's a business arrangement houngan approach in that way!

I would hate this as well, but she is obviously such a lovely GP, so I think you have to let it go and continue being grateful for the help and the great relationship that your DD will have with her GPs

My parents have never even offered to have my 11m DD for so much as an hour for us....sniff...[pathetic feeling sorry for myself emoticon]

p.s the current battles I'm having to consider are having DD's 1st birthday party taken over and her wanting to take her out shopping for her 1st pair of shoes which as a mother I'd quite like to do!

no I meant it's a tip! DH is decorating so the ladders and all the decorating crap are strewn through the house, we have had boxes down from the loft to sort throgh so that's everywhere, we've moved our spare bedroom round, it had bookshelves piled with junk that is now in a state of being sorted. Until about 3 days ago the bathroom was covered in about 5mm of dust (not an exaggeration) as DH used it as his "sawing" room! I have cleaned the walls but the floor still needs doing.

OK the clothes washing thing...I may have read too much on here about how you should wash newborn clothes. Plus i once got a nasty rash from a new bedsheet I hadn't washed. Plus they do smell funny - I bought a couple of tops the other day and briefly considered wearing before washing, but they were musty, urgh.

You could just say "how lovely the outfit was but really you don't need to buy her new outfits all the time - she grows out of them so fast" to try and discourage her?
Or you could tell her what you have told us, that you have Mummy guilt, that you like to think of her - while you are in work, in the outfit that you have packed. That's not bad or mean, just honest. Appeal to her own Mummyness.

I would let it go. I can understand why you feel a bit irked by it (kinda rejecting your choices) but I think you're very perceptive in the fact that you identify its probably got more to do with feeling a loss of control from going back to work. That'll get easier with time.

Its possibly only going to be an issue for a few more months anyway - I guess you send her in her jammies (sleepsuits at 11 months?) and then MIL dresses her. As they get a few months older and as it gets colder in the mornings and she wants to walk to the car or whatever then you might end up getting her dressed before you leave anyway. No point in making a big deal out of something that ultimately probably will change in a few months anyway.

Thanks for the advice and understanding anyone - I'm trying really hard not to to be PFB about it!

She does wash the clothes, and any sleepsuits she arrives there in - she even irons them before she sends them back! And the ones she has bought sit in the laundry bin for a couple of weeks or so, as I am such a slattern

I'm going to let it go gracefully now I have more opinions and nice, helpful comments. Thanks!

2shoes

My mil was the same ref shoes so I took her shopping with me and she paid a compromise!
Ref 1st birthday party just tell her it's already or get her to help make some of the dishes for the party keeps her feeling important!

Thanks butterscotch am trying all of the above!
Sorry lindy if it seems as though I've highjacked your thread a little