Grandparent Dilema

[MigGril]

Ok just after a bit of advice really from anyone in a smiliar situation.

My mum died about 12 years ago, and my Dad remarried about 4 years ago. ME and DH have a 3 year old DD, both my DH's parents are still alive.

Anyway as far a DD is concerned she has four grandparents. My dilema came last week after visiting my Dad and his wife. DD was asking about her GP's being my mum and dad, I tired to explain that her Gran isn't my mum and that my mum is dead. She got a little confused I think, didn't understand and moved onto somthing else.

Anyhow I know at 3 it's not going to be something she'll understand but I'm sure the topic will come up again at some point. My qestion is how do I explain to her that her Gran isn't my mum. I don't want to upset her but also don't want her to grow up thinking that she is my mum either.

I would ask some of my real life friends for some adivce but I don't seem to know anyone who doesn't have there parents around anymore.

I'd explain that she has three Grans: the two she knows and gran-who-is-dead (in heaven/whatever phrase suits your own way of thinking).

If she's old enough to be curious, I would have thought the truth, sensitively put, would be the best thing ... like your Dad's wife is her gran because she's married to grandad, but she's not your mom because your mom passed away a long time ago. Then brace for questions. Good luck!

In a year or so she'll probably get interested (repeatedly and at great length) in who is whose mother and who is whose father, and it will all sort itself out then. Death is a difficult thing to grasp at three and she'll understand it better in a year or so as well.

DH's parents are (very acrimoniously) divorced, and DS (5.5) knows that FIL is DH's father and MIL is DH's mother, but he doesn't seem to grasp the fact that this implies that FIL and MIL have met each other... I imagine he'll get the hang of that eventually, too.

Watching with interest, as I am in a similar situation, although DS not even 2 yet. My dad died many years ago, but DS has known mum's partner all his life. He has Grandma and Grandad, and Granny and Uncle Jamie.

I've found that if you mention the GP's in heaven from a really early age, it is just something they know, and they don't really question until a time when they are ready to deal with that kind of thing (such as when another relative, or loved pet die and its on their mind anyway). Having photos of the deceased loved one around helps with the talking-naturally about them thing.

Both DH's parents died young, way before we had DC. All my DC know, as we've talked about it since they were tiny, that they have a grandma and grandpa on earth and a grandma and grandpa on heaven. Our eldest is 7, and she's only recently brought it up, saying to DH in the middle of breakfast one day "Your mummy and Daddy are dead. That's sad isn't it!"

He was slightly taken aback, but replied honestly but also sensitively, and hopefully they all know now that they can raise it whenever they want. She mentioned to me a few weeks later at bedtime that she was feeling sad because most of her class had 2 sets of GP and she only had one, and sad for Daddy. It turned out one of her friends GP's had died, so they were having lots of circle times in class about GP's in heaven.

Do you have photos of your mum around?