how honest are you with your kids? about sex etc

[Greythorne]

Recently had a conversation with a friend who adamantly told me that she tells her kids (aged 6 and 3) "the truth". All the time, according to her. So, this means no bottoms but saying vulva and anus and penis. It means her 6 year old knows what tampons are, that once a month women bleed if they are not pregnant, that her 6 year old knows that she has three holes: for urinating, for babies to exit and for defecating (her words).

i can see that this is sensible in some ways BUT it is just so, so very far from the way I was raised ("wipe your bottom" / learning about periods at age 10 at school / facts of life conversation along the lines of "a man plants a seed in the woman") that I am struggling with this.

Last night (and I have posted elsewhere on this topic), DH and i had a date night but DD1 came into our bedroom to sleep before we had even got into bed. I told her, "you must sleep in your own room tonight because sometimes mummy and daddy need time on their own" but how does that fit in with this new level of honesty my friend has inspired me to adopt? I cannot see myself saying, "Daddy wants to put his penis in mummy's vagina", FFS.

Feeling lost and strangely so because I always think of muself as, well, terribly liberal.

What do you do?

I know this is going to be entirel at each parents discretion, but I have to say, total honesty or total ignorance may be too much for young children. Surely somewhere in the middle is better.
I happen to know somebody who had this same attitude, and also added with it the complete facts of life & that what bad things an adult may do to her that her DD had to tell her if this ever happened!!! Sounds all good, until the child screams to her mum one day, because a boy in her mums and tots group innocently pulled his trousers down one day and flashed his pants to her! I don't think at the grand age of 3, he was being sexual! It ruined a very good friendship between those mums.
I know we have to somehow make sure kids know what is right/wrong so that (and I knwo nobody wants to ever think it will) if anybody ever tried to do anything they shouldn't, they will tell us, and I think they should have a very basic understanding of where babies come from etc. but when the age/time is right for them to process the information, each kid will be different, and it's up to us to judge when that time is.

My DS and DD are 6 and 4 and both know that periods happen as the lining inside the womb comes out if a woman isn't having a baby. They also know that girls have holes for wee, poo, and for a baby or blood to come out of.

I have told them (although think it only really went in for DS) about the mechanics of sex. Haven't gone further than the reproduction element although will at some point. I think for him hearing it did happen was enough for one time - hearing it felt nice might have finished him off .

I wouldn't say you have to go into details about why you need time alone - you can be honest about how sex happens without saying you are about to have it IYSWIM.

You don't have to give children all the detail at once to be "honest" with them, just not specifically lie! So, if they ask where babies come from, you can explain that they grow inside a special place inside their mummy till they are ready to be born. You don't have to have a full explanation of sex for it to be an honest explanation, appropriate to their age. When the next question comes along "How does it get in there?" you can add the next bit of explanation.

Also, how babies are made does not have to be an explanation of sex for fun - they can be left without that bit of the explanation until they get past the idea of it all being a bit gross anyway!

And you and daddy want some time alone together - they don't need to know the details of what you are doing, or whether you just want a cuddle this time, or you didn't go all the way, or whatever. They are too young to burden with all the detail in one go!

The only thing that I think makes the difference between being honest and being dishonest is if you start by saying that babies are delivered by the stork or found under gooseberry bushes

Agree with muminscotland

I followed the basic tenet of answering as much as was asked. Fortunately for me , DS1 asks lots of detailed questions. As a consequence, he knows a lot more than some of his friends, who have never asked. I know some other mums have found that a bit strange, but it never occurred to me to fob him off (it's actually easier to be matter-of-fact when they are younger).

So it started at about 6 with where babies come from and how they get there (no problem), then last year the DSs saw a condom machine in public toilets and asked what it was (the room went silent as lots of amused shoppers listened to what I had to say ...). I could have fobbed them off/lied outright, but actually, I thought it was OK to mention contraception, and by extension, the idea of sex not just being for reproduction.

... forgot to say, so DS2 (6) piped up with : "so do you and daddy have sex then?", which was a bit embarrassing, but said Yes and left it at that. I wouldn't dream of announcing it before it was going to happen though

Agree with AMumInScotland too - be honest when questions are asked, but age-appropriate honest.

i personally don't think it's appropriate to tell a child that you want them to go away so you can have sex
i agree with your friend about the other things that she has spoken about honestly - we have done the same with our dses - but telling a child, in whatever terms, that they are not welcome to be with you because you are going to have sex, is not on
in this case, it's not about being truthful, it's about behaving appropriately around children
to think of involving them in adult sexual behaviour like this is bizarre, IMO

Another one here who agrees with amuminScotland. I answer ds1 honestly but don't volunteer much (actually I have no need to volunteer anything cause he asks quite a lot of things).

DD (9) knows pretty much most things about sex. I've never lied to her and have always been open and honest, thus she knows about periods, how babies are made and born, that sex is for reproduction and pleasure (but that it's best in a loving relationship).

I've had condoms in the house and she knows what they are and what they're for, ditto my contraceptive patch and my diaphragm (that I used to use until I had too many bouts of cystitis).

I don't think anything that she knows has shocked or disturbed her in any way. I'd rather be open and honest, than palm her off with trite little words and mis-truths.

I answer DS's questions when he asks. He feels really sorry for me that I don't have a "winky" and have to sit down to wee so wanted to know why. So i explained that women's bodies are different to men and I have a part that lets babies out. He's happy with that.

He also knows that you need a little bit of daddy and mummy to make a baby and mummies have eggs but hasn't asked how the two bits get together yet.

I try to be as honest as possible but don't foist the facts on him. He's only 4 and doesn't need to know about sex yet.

I have told my dcs about sex in theory, but imo an important part of sex education is learning to respect other people's privacy: no way would I be handing out details about my own and dh's sex life or telling them to go away because we want to get down to it.

And fwiw I don't consider using the word "penis" any more "real" than using "willy"; words are just sounds to denote things and these two words denote the same thing: there is a stylistic difference, but that's got nothing to do with being "real".

My dcs certainly knew about periods by age 6, they also knew how babies are born. But I don't need to use poncy words like "defecating" when there's good old Anglo-Saxon words that we all understand

I don't see explaining about how babies are born as being different from all the other hundred and one things I am constantly explaining: how evolution works, the reasons behind the Battle of Hastings, how to mix red and blue to get purple. All part of life's rich tapestry as far as I'm concerned.