Wanting to conceive dc2 but realised I am terrified! Help!

[Traintastic]

My husband and I have a 3 yr old ds. He starts nursery school in September and is actually a pretty good boy, usual toddler I'd say, has his moments but overall a very good sensitive little boy. He is very good at being gentle with babies and I don't really have any concerns over him hurting the new baby or anything.

However, my labour with him was perfect. Everything went so easily, no need for pain relief or anything, was bloody painful needless to say but no panic, everything just went so smoothly and I was so calm and just knew that everything would be OK.

This time, I haven't even conceived yet and I am panicking already. I feel that I was so lucky last time, I can't be that lucky again!

I keep thinking that something might be wrong with the baby and our life with ds is so lovely at the moment, I am so scared that this could either make or break our family.

I know I am being completely irrational. I am not even pregnant yet and I feel so scared that I might die in labour and leave ds without a mummy just because we want another baby. What the hell is wrong with me?!

Last time I was worried something would be wrong with ds as much as any first time mummy but I guess if there had have been we would have been able to dedicate all of our time and love so wouldn't have been so much of an issue in a way. I just keep thinking that ds may suffer horribly if something goes wrong.

Seriously, I know I sound insane. Please come talk some sense into me!

God I just read that back and I really do sound like a complete nut case

Exactly. It's such a relief to hear from someone who feels the same. I keep thinking how horrible it would be for ds if I got pnd or if the baby doesn't sleep and disrupts his sleep.

How would I cope? Especially as I didn't actually like ds babyhood much, found it a bit overwhelming and boring, til he could walk. Just wish I could see a couple of years into the future and see how it all works out!

It's just so hard knowing whether to go for it isn't it? Knowing that thousands of people do it every year and cope just fine or whether to just stay as things are but always feel that our family is somehow slightly incomplete.

I feel so stressed by it this time whereas last time I was just so ready to be a mummy. I feel so greedy for wanting another when things are so lovely now.

It's such a big decision isn't it? I think it's so much harder this time, knowing that it's not just our lives it will change but undoubtedly our child's life and future.

Thank you for talking to me anyway, I was afraid that noone would reply to such an insane rambling post.

Forgive the short reply - am typing one handed while breastfeeding DS2! I was in exactly the same situation as you - lovely 2 yr old DS1, great labour etc with him, how can I be so lucky again and / or risk ruining the perfect set up we have for another baby, but went ahead with it and am SO glad we did. DS2 arrived at Easter, brilliant birth, DS1 adores his baby brother and so do I!

You're not insane, it's quite normal to feel as you do, but don't let the fear stop you from having a second child. The most wonderful thing I've ever seen was DS1 coming into our room the morning after I had DS2 (labour so quick I was home 5 hours after having baby and DS1 didn't even know I'd been away), looking in the moses basket and saying "that my baby brother. He beautiful!"

Just do it, you'll be fine!

Oh what a lovely response from your ds1! Bless him saying that, how wonderful for you to have had such a positive experience too.

I know rationally, my fears are laughable. But I am really worrying about the labour and who would look after ds, obviously, I would have plenty of time to plan all this but I just feel so scared.

I can not shake the feeling that something may be wrong this time and mean I have to stay in hospital or something is teribly wrong with me or the baby and of course ds would be so confused and upset by it all.

Thank you though, you have helped me realise that the chances are everything will go as well as it did for you. Sounds like you have a lovely family.

You have a far better chance of an uncomplicated labour and delivery if you've already had one. Maybe that's easy for me to say as I never have, so I've had to face the fear and do it anyway.

Having two children is great, truly. Even better than one, and I say that as the housebound mother of a toilet-training toddler and newly rolling baby.

Is that true that the chances are better of an uncomplicated pg if you've already had one? I didn't realise that. I kept thinking that things were so good last time that the odds are stacked against it happening twice! That might be my pessamistic personality though, I do tend to be a worrier!

Thank you, hopefully the toilet training will be done with asap!

I found that I didn't really know WHAT could go wrong before I had my first because so few of my friends had chalidren. Pregnancy and parenting brought me into contact with loads of new people, some of whom had had awful experiences and some with tragic outcomes. Add to that the fact I was reading about horrible things that could happen on the internet, and second time around I was so much more scared.

However, after a 6 hour labour with gas and air and pethidine with the first, I had a homebirth with just gas and air with the second.

Totally agree with the above. We too nearly didn't go ahead with a second child because of all the doubts but we are very very glad that we did.

DS1's delivery wasn't perfect, but it wasn't bad. DS2's was even better. Everything that needs to be stretched has already been stretched, you know what to expect and are in a better place to explain what you hope for to the midwives, and the recovery time afterwards was much much quicker. We were in Mothercare less than 24 hours after giving birth, second time around!

DS1 was like Snowtiger's. Becoming a big brother made him soo proud, and still does 7 years later (though he doesn't admit it so readily now!!)

Best of luck whatever you decide

Clemett that's exactly what I have found. I wasn't sure of all the things that could go wrong in labour and all the problems people can have with their children and babies.

I stupidly thought that all babies slept through by 4 months and never knew how bad tantrums can be. Then after ds I met people with nightmare stories to tell. Ds slept 12 hours a night by 9 weeks and now I know how lucky I was and how unusual it is.

Just little things like that make me realise how different it could be next time, which would be fine if it was only impacting on our lives but it's ds' aswell.

Also the amount of imput I give the next one is bound to be different because ds was our first so would their behaviour atomatically be worse?? I know noone can answer these questions and that's what's scaring me a bit!

I am not wanting a perfect child, believe me, ds knows how to play up as most 3 yr olds do, but with him beng my only one it is so easy to deal with as it doesn't punish anyone else by taking him home or removing him from the situation iyswim?

So many things I am worrying about that never entered my head last time! I know I am rambling but it just seems such a hige decision to make.

DH is very keen for ds not to be an only child like he was and I always said I wanted at least 2 children but I feel like we are risking so much.

It's so lovely to hear the positive stories from you all though.

Anyway, I think we need to mull it over for a bit and see. I think we are going to do it but I think I may be on here an awful lot with rambling posts like this so please be warned!

Just another story to share. My friend had her first when I had mine. Her second has Down Syndrome which was discovered just before birth. Theit life has been difficult but the effect on her first has been generally very positive. Compared to my five year old he is incredibly gentle, caring, tolerant. He adores his little sister, knows no other life and, seemingly, has only been enriched by her existence.
Things might go wrong but you will cope whatever. It is hard when you have only had one to think about for years, but remember a sibling is often the best gift you can give to a child.

Oh Clemettethedropout your last post made me cry- in a good way. Thank you for sharing that story. You are right, it's silly for me to think that if there was something 'wrong' with dc2 then it would definitely have a negative effect upon ds.

He is already a very sensitive and caring and I actually think he would love to be a big brother.

Our friend had a baby a few months ago and whenever he sees him he always strokes his face gently and says 'beautiful boy'. It just makes me so proud of him because he is so caring and knows when to leave the baby alone etc. Of course it could be horribly different when he realises that our baby is here to stay and the novelty wears off though!

I am starting to relax a bit though, hearing all these stories of normal labours and healthy babies is a big relief! I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I admit I have come across as a bit of a neurotic drama queen on here

I was dreadful when pregnant with my second. I could only think about DD, to the extent that I spent very little time thinking about the baby. I was convinced I was destroying her comfortable little world and that she would be plagued by jealousy.
But, in reality, she has never shown any jealousy or resentment. He is now 2.5 and they squabble, but if you ask her who she loves most in the whole world she will say him.

Awww that is very sweet that she loves him so much. It's funny you should say about destroying her little world because I used that exact phrase when me and dh were talking about dc2 last night!

I just seem to be worrying about everything at the moment, even worrying that I won't love the next child as much as I love ds . I am scaring myself over everything. I really do feel stressed out by it, one moment I am sure I want/ need another child, then next moment I am thinking oh my GOD I can't do it all again, I can't force this on ds etc etc. It's completely bonkers I know because so many people do it and it's fine. I really don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I am already pregnant and that's fueling the craziness!

It's so reassuring to hear that your dd has not felt pushed out or got jelous. I don't think ds would be jelous actually as he is the sort who wants to feel like he's got something to care for so would be a perfect big bro in many ways.

Oh I am so confused by it all really. Stupid things like bedtime routine is worrying me too, how the hell do you bath 2 children and put them both to bed. Do you have separate bedtimes for each child? If so, whatdoes the older child do when I am putting the little one to bed? I just can't seem to think of making the every day practicalities of it actually work iyswim?

Thanks for humouring me though, I am very grateful!

Traintastic, I just wanted to say I'm in a remarkably similar place to you right now. I'm having a 'go for another day' today but had a 'just DS' wobble on the weekend!! We're going to wait for a bit and see if we get any more sure (DS is only 20 months)...

Traintastic, the novelty of the baby wears off eventually, but the status of being a big brother never wears off. The best thing we ever did was to greet ds1 not with the words 'The baby's here' but with the words 'Congratulations, you are a big brother'! He visibly grew taller as he walked towards the moses basket.

(The second best thing was for me not to be holding the baby, when he came in. I was all there for him after our first night ever apart.)

Best of luck

Thank u everyone for replying. You have given me yet more to think about and hopefully we will have made a decision soon. I feel a lot calmer about it now ds is in bed strangely enough

Thanks once again, it's been lovely chatting with you all.