ds is getting worse

[LittleMarshmallow]

All the current sactions I have for ds if he misbehaves are not working. He is so angry and rightly so at the world, but omg I seriously can not cope with this anymore

backstory
ds is now 4, and lost his dad in nov, my gran the same week, had to leave nursery and move to a different one. he hasn't really had any support / input from anyone (despite requests).

Part of the problem i feel is that he falls asleep on the way back from nursery around 6pm and this is him till the next morning, so he skips dinner and bath and story time with me. he has a restricted diet due to food allergies also so this might play a part in exhaustion i dont know.

I am now at a loss, and feel like a failure esp since the high and mighty hv is telling me it is my fault. so what kind of routines / sanctions could i try because life is not livable here just now.

I don't think imposing sanctions is the problem here.

sounds like he needs a LOT of one to one attention. Is there any way at all you can change yuor hours & work PT with a tax credit topup?

It may not be forever, but it's what I'd do in your shoes, I think, if it was at all affordable.

Tax credits wouldnt change till the following year, if i did work pt i think we honestly might kill each other, i have spent the last two weekends trying to focus on him, but it horrific. the last major strop witnessed by my mil was when he nearly threw a knife and slapped her.

i have been off work a good portion of this year and just trying to do things with him, but it is hard all round. he is very angry and has told my mil that. he can be good, but it is walking on eggshells just now.

will try and think what i would do - got to go out at the mo - what have you tried- so i dont go over stuff u have tried.?
Could he eat in the car on way home - so not hungry i mean...

I have tried getting him basically time out, so he sits in the hall till he calms himself down (that can at times take up to one hour)

i am in the middle of sorting his bedroom to reduce the toys with maybe an idea of taking one away everything he misbehaves so he has to earn it back by doing some tasks (i.e. helping me cook, doing as i ask, not back chatting, or just playing nice)

i have tried stickers was a while ago but he didnt seem that interested, part of the problem i have found is that ds can literally play with nothing as he has a great imagination.

his nursery have offered to let him sleep after lunch to see if that helps but ds is stuborn so if he doesnt want to do something he wont!

when he really loses the plot there is very little you can do other than ignore the screaming as he gets worse the more involved you are at that point

I wonder if he'd benefit from some specialist professional help? TBH it doesn't sound like the usual stroppy 4 year old behaviour which you can deal with by bribery/threats.

Maybe talk to your gp and see what's available?

i agree with mumble actually, i would do everything in my power to spend as much time as possible with him

i know you feel like that would be horrendous because of his behaviour,.. but he is 4. he NEEDS you and if he gets more time with you his behaviour may start to change

the situation as I see it right now is:
dad died
gran died
only sees you mornings and weekend
when you're with him it's a constant battle and lots of sanctions
he never has dinner of an evening, so may also be hungry and crochety

he must be pretty unhappy don't you think?
you don't get the chance to re-do these young years
you're now focussing on MORE punishments.... I'm sorry, i DON'T think this is your fault, but I also don't think that this is a good way of handling it

Can you give him some tea in the car. Like a suasage roll. Not ideal but it might give him a second wind and gets round the problem of him going without food for so long.

Is it orth getting him checked fro anaemia? If his diet is restricted and he's missing meals not to mention his age, he is at high risk of it.

Tiredness in itself can make 4yo unbearable and very prone to temper tantrums. But sorting it out can be very challenging. (my 4yo can be a nightmare - mostly linked to being too tired from full time school. School holidays are enjoyable because he's not tired.)

Tax Credits can change this year if your expect your income to reduce.

Exactly. Punishing him for displaying his anger is not going to solve his problems.

Marshmallow, it sounds as if you need some one-to-one attention too. Have you got anyone to talk to? You have obviously been through a very bad time as well. This is bound to affect your relationship with your DS. Parenting on your own must be hard enough, without having had bereavements to contend with too.

Given the bereavements, I'd be tempted to seek help for your DS (and, indirectly, yourself). I don't know how you'd go about it, though; perhaps someone else has a better idea?

Practically, I'd give him some kind of food to try to keep him awake on the way home from nursery (and it may also improve his mood). Even if you then just do bath and stories at home, it's 'nice' time, rather than cross time. If you can keep him awake in the car, it may help to prepare him (fake enthusiasm for the lovely story you're going to read together, and the lovely bubby bath that he's going to have - eventually, it will sound as if you mean it). That way, even if your time with him is limited, it's happier.

When he's angry, I think it can help to have a mantra ("I will talk to you when you've stopped shouting" or such like). That way, you stay calmer too. But it's easier said than done: I could write an entire book about angry little boys.

As it's warm and light at 6pm at the moment, could you have a picnic somewhere close to the nursery before he has a chance to fall asleep. Have some nice food and perhaps read him a story too, make it a special 1:1 time with him where you both share news about your day.

Do you have any other family, a grandparent maybe that could pick him up early from nursery and bring him home for you, so at least he's at home awake then - even a couple of early afternoons a week would probably help.

I think he needs more of your undivided attention to make him feel more secure - it must be really hard for you both - sorry for your loss.

back again.I would suggest two things.
1/this will sound aaahhh !!at first but id try and have more time with him - this will help in log run im sure.the reason i say this is when you are not getting on with a loved one and feel out touch with them it seems to work to spend more time with them even if its last thing you feel like.when ive been having issues with my dc s it has helped conversly.
2.If it was me id be looking at ways to help him deal with ,feel safe with, and dissipate his anger- for e g with my two i taught them ways of being angry in a maangeble way like they had to go to door and scream and "throw" it out .
Im very sorry to hear that you and your child have had a lot of loss -and anger is part of loss.Maybe you are angry too...? so what im saying although i did anger stuff with my little ones i do regognise that your ds has had lot to deal with and it may be harder but addressing these feelings sounds like IS ( quite naturally in v difficult circumatances)is neded,good luck.

Thanks for the suggestions I will try the picnic dea this week, also I can not allow his angry behaviour to go unpunished unless throwing things Inc a table knife are acceptable, he wants to damage things because he is angry and while yes one on one time is what he needs I am trying.

Unfortunately I can't get ds to get his blood checked right now as he will freak because of his dad hospital etc but I did last week go get liquid kids vitamins with iron in them to see if that made a difference .

I will take onboard what you have said, changing my hours isn't an option just now but I might see if I can have a half day once a week so that I could spend time with ds.

no, it isn't acceptable to throw knivesm but piling on punishments constantly isn't going to help
can't you see it's a vicious circle? he WANTS your attention, he has been through a lot, he's at nursery ALL day and never sees you unless it's first thing in the morning or at the weekend

he does this so you'll give him more attnetion and all he gets is more punishments, inc taking your attention away from him by putting him in time out

why don't you try a weekend of doing what HE wants. get him up on saturday and tell him you are all his.... you'll play whatever he wants, take him out if he'd like, he can help you make lunch or have a picnic... overwhelm him with oyut attentiona nd he won't need to be naughty to get it.
maybe you could draw some pictures with him? my ds is responding well to "art therapy" if you will... he often will draw things that are upsetting him or making him angry... m ight be a way to find out what is bothering him

if he IS naughty, and does things like throwing stuff I would jsut say "ds, throwing is NOT acceptable" and take it away from him. if it's during a meal then end the meal

I don't want to pile on more punishments maybe I am being unclear sorry what I mean is I need a way to try that wat I was doing to punish him before it no longer worked and got him more upset not add more punishment I am not horrible mean person.
I have spent time with him a whole weekend, doing what he wants as soon as he doesn't get what he wants he kicks off literally , ds has been in nursery for a number of years this is not a new arrangement

If you can't cut your hours to part-time, would your work be amenable to you reducing them by 1 hour a day? Or would you be able to start an hour earlier, or work through your lunch hour?

Then you could pick DS up at 5,and feed him before he falls asleep. I would worry about him not getting a meal most evenings, especially if he has a restricted diet. Mine were always unmanageable when their blood sugar was low.

Do you find you're on a short fuse too? You've also been through a lot, and it sounds like you have very little help. You need some tlc too.

I am looking at starting earlier but for that to happen my friends needs to move jobs so he could take ds to nursery for me, I do try and leave at 4 if I have built enough flex up to do that but there are times where he can fall asleep at 5 in the car the only solution is to try and him to sleep for 20 mins after lunch.

I do worry about him skipping dinner but the dietican did say it was fine as long as his other meals are balanced. Ds knows that if he sleeps at nursery after lunch he gets tea and stories with me. I can tolerate so much but the repeated violence, screaming and the death talks are talking there toll, as is trying to get him play therapy

it sounds like you b oth need a break to be honest

do you have any annual leave you could take? take him out of nursery for the week and just relax a bit?

do you have any family support? people you could go and visit szo that you get a break as well as him>

I have no family. Ds has his dads family and he does spend time with them nearly every second weekend. I have only just gone bk to wrk in yet another new job so am not off properly till oct although I do get bank holidays.
We have no one close to us which at the time was good but now maybe less but I am tied to the house for the forseeable future and ds needs to stay in one place.
The other thing I had to prebook his nursery care for the summer and while he is more important than money it has been paid for and all the trips which they are going to do and as the numbers are reduced he gets more attention so I am loath to pull him out for a week just yet, but I have emailed work asking if I can leave at 3pm one day a week