Should I be concerned about my friends?

[Baubo]

I've a friend whose baby is 4 months old and I still haven't seen her or her baby (she lives around the corner from me)

I've inquired a few times but she's told me that she's busy (fair enough!) or that she doesn't feel able for it

I invited her and her DH over for lunch last week but she said she hasn't been able to leave the house yet because of feeding/sleeping schedules

Now in the first months not being able for it is fine by me but now I'm starting to worry about her that she's not coping (and I don't mean in an well I did it why can't she but more in a I'm worried about her if that makes any sense!!)

Now the biggie - should i give her more time before I worry about her? Her baby was born early after all (at 32 weeks - thankfully no conplications)

I'd hate for her to be feeling unable to leave the house (PND or such like) and no one helping her out.

With early babies does the whole process of settling down into motherhood get set back too?

I KNOW this might sound patronizing but I am concerned about my friends mental health and not her mothering skills!!

I'd just turn up and say I was passing.

what does she say if you suggest visiting her? so no interruption to sleep/feed routine?

PND can be awful and if she does have it she probably wants nobody to know. such a stigma, which is wrong obviously

baby being early can't have helped, as well as the obvious stress they probably didn't have everything ready for baby? maybe they're worried the house is a mess and would be embarrassed.

you could maybe pop round with a home-made meal or something... don't know.

maybe she's doing a really strict GF type routine? that doesn't allow you to take up many invites, there's only a tiny outdoors activity window if I remember correctly

you are right to be worried though, she's lucky to have a friend like you who cares about red flags like this. if she doesn't want to leave the house is she also not allowing you to visit?

How would she feel if you popped around to see her? Maybe give her a call and say that you'd love to see her and could you pop around for a coffee.

I suppose turning up unannounced may be a bad idea - catching someone off guard, on a bad day etc. I would find it very distressing TBH (I do have PND)

phone first. could you get a little gift to drop round? as a practical reason for visiting?

I'd hate anyone turning up unannounced when I'm home with a new baby need warning to brush hair / teeth change outta PJs

There's less chance for her to fob you off though.

I've never just happened to go in for coffee - she always very much been an 'scheduled' type of person

When i ask about coming around she tell me that she's got this person here or that person or babies going to doctors having a vaccine

One thing that I should mention that might make a massive difference - this baby is a miracle baby,

They were told that IVF would never be successful for them but that there was a new procedure that the might try (I've no idea of the details of this procedure) but it was a success

I haven't actually see her when she was pregant either - contact was mainly through her DH and phone calls and email - as she was very unwell and spent a lot of time in hospital (and the hospital visiting rules is very strict)

Since I posted I got DH to call her DH and he's arranged a 'maybe' time for midweek. I'll push this

I'm hoping she's fine and it's just a little overwhelmed and feeling very protective of her miracle and I'm just being a worry wart

Hmm never thought of gina F thing.

I wonder!

maybe she doesn't want to see you?
if i kept arranging to see someone and being fobbed off with reasons that sounded a bit dubious, i would presume they were making excuses tbh
it's kind of you to be concerned about her but it sounds like she doesn't want the contact at the moment maybe?

I would definitely try the excuse for popping round idea, eg some baby clothes hand me downs, food, flowers etc (even if you say 'it was buy one get one free, I couldn't resist and I thought of you' for eg). Does she go for walks etc, or is she totally house bound?

with my first, I found it difficult to get out (but not impossible, although never at lunchtime) - if you've got a baby who won't feed or sleep when out, combined with first time mother obsessiveness and nerves, it can be really hard. However, even gina ford advocates taking the baby out for a nap in the pram once a day (and definitely not becoming a social recluse because of routines!)

If you manage to go round once, you could then try to arrange a regular time to pop over, just for a cuppa, eg on the pretext of you being bored or whatever

that's a good point CoupleofKooks and dunno why I didn't think of it cause I did exactly that to a prebaby friend who I'd had enough of, once the baby was here I only made time for friends who enhanced my life

Oh, x posts, see you've already wangled an invite.

Tbh, if you haven't seen her for almost a year, she's probably got higher priorities than arranging something with you (no offence, sorry, but new babies are exceedingly time consuming, plus all the other visitors you get, and the additional stuff she will be dealing with as it was early etc)

hope she's coping well, make sure you offer to make her tea when you go over, don't wait to be asked!

Maybe just stick a card through the door, saying you hope everything is going well, and that you understand everything must be a bit up in the air at the moment, but you are a bit worried about her, and would really like to catch up with everything at some point?

Its hard. She could be not coping, or she could have just moved on with her friendships. Either, but especially the latter, is very difficult to process

I would say she'll get in touch when she's good and ready - if this is a miracle baby then she'll want to spend every waking moment with him/her, who wouldn't! It's nice that you care so much, but sometimes caring means stepping back and letting people come to you in their own good time.

I haven't seen many mums I used to hang out with for months now, but I'm not depressed, I just have been very busy with loads of other things in life. It doesn't mean someone is avoiding you

Oh I've bumped into her when she was pregnant but didn't "see" her see her in the sense of asking her what the procedure was!!!

She's sent me several text/emails saying 'when I'm more competent' we should meet up. Shall I phone her telling her that I promise to enhance her life more!! I'm not some desperate person trying to cling to a friendship here, I've concerns for a woman who tells me 'I can't get out the house yet'

Sorry if we got the wrong end of the stick, it's hard to judge a situation when you can only go by a few words on a screen (and the picture did seem to be that you hadn't actually had any meaningful contact with her for quite some time).

It's lovely that you're concerned enough to post about her, and hopefully you'll be able to tell when you see her next week whether she's just lost in the first few hard months, or whether she does need a bit of extra help. If the latter, just encouraging her to go to a toddler group or nct coffee morning, when she's able, might help her build a network of support up. I'm guessing that she didn't get to do antenatal classes if her baby was so early?

I had a baby at 34 wks and it did take me much longer than friends who had term babies to get out and about. Baby was in hospital for 4.5 wks and when I got home I just wanted to cuddle up and feed him all day and night. I really wasn't bothered about anything else/seeing anyone. I was totally happy in my own world with baby at home/reading a book/going out for a little walk. I think as it was such a stessful beginning to being a mum, I just needed that time. I only really saw my family and only went out shopping etc when forced to by my mum ! But I wasn't depressed, I was just enjoying every second of having my scrummy baby, and 'recovering' from our experience. We didn't get out to meet friends/any groups until baby was at least 4 months, and I completely enjoyed my special, quiet months with my extra special gift .

So I would give her a bit more time. How long was the baby in hospital for? Keep sending messages/giving her a ring/trying to arrange to pop round etc. I'm sure soon enough she'll think "oh crap, where has all the time gone and I must invite so and so round". I hope this is the case anyway Does she have a partner/supportive family etc?

She's no family (her DH has no family either) but does have a supportive husband and we're the only people they know who have children.

It's good to hear you say that mamasunshine least it not too strange - baby was in hospital for three weeks.

Add to the fact she might be feeling very overprotective because she was told she'd never have a baby.

Sorry lukewarmcupoftea if i sounded a little agressive - didn't want to derail the thread into 'she mightn't want to be your friend' I suffered from PND on my first and would hate to think that someone else I know was going through the same. Needed to know if four months was too long to be still not going out and dive in and offer help/an ear.
Up to now I've been leaving her alone till she's ready to socialise - but there has to be a point when it goes from being OK and just finding your feet and not being OK and needing someone to notice

you haven't seen her in over a year?

maybe she's just not that into you.