Help - I think I'm turning into a toxic parent!

[trying2bbetter]

I'm looking for advice. My childhood was generally unhappy, a lot to do with having a parent who tried to control us with threats, put downs and insults. It's taken me years to get to the point of realising I'm ok as a person and that people do like me.

The problem now is that I see it all being repeated with my 3 year old dd. Before I know it the words are out and I'm behaving exactly the same way and saying the same old things. I've read and re read the "How to talk so kids will listen" book but though I know it in my head the same old destructive stuff comes out of my mouth.

I'm terrified I'm turning into a fiercer version of my mum.

I doubt that you are a toxic parent purely on the basis that you have considered whether you are or not. Toxic parents don't actually consider themselves toxic IME.

It is very hard not to repeat phrases that you heard hundreds of times as a child because they are ingrained. However, the odd inappropriate phrase is not going to damage your 3yo because the overall environment that you provide sounds loving.

I worry about this sometimes too, especially as DS1 is gettign more challenging. Phrases surface in my head like "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" and other stuff involving thick ears but I have managed not to say them out loud and certainly wouldn't actually give them a thick ear/something to cry about. I thik it's natural to worry about turning into your parents but at least you know you don't want to and you are aware that what they did was wrong. It's hard though and I know what you mean.

what is a toxic parent?

I guess a toxic parent is basically someone that by the time they have finished raising you, you feel like complete shit about yourself. There are lots of different ways to achieve that .

FWIW, I had self-esteem issues and my parents were often crap, but not "toxic". Really is a league of its own.

I wonder, OP, if when calm, you could think of common situations and write down what you think you should say... then practise saying it, and try really hard to remember those exact words. May sound silly, but it sounds like some hard habits to break are what you're facing.