Ignoring helpful comments

[mammanl]

Hi

I'm a mum of twins who has suffered for a long time from anxiety and depression. I'm lucky to have some help with kids and home which keeps everything on an even keel. The kids are thriving. However I struggle to be confident in my mothering ability in the midst of this.

I seem to be forever getting helpful comments and suggestions from other mums, nannies, mother in law etc who seem to think I've missed a trick or that something could be done better. Perhaps they pick up on my lack of confidence I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just not a great mother!

I know the kids are well looked after, happy and nice kids to be around. I guess there may be times when I am not 100% on the ball because of the depression/anxiety but who is?

Do other people get unhelpful helpful comments?

All the time! I tend to ask for endless advice though so this may be my fault.

Do you work? I found returning part time has helped just in terms of being able to stand back and have a bit of me time.

I think it is pretty normal for other women to share their experiences. It doesn't mean they think you are doing something wrong; it means they want to talk about themselves!

I'm not really talking about sharing experiences - I don't mind that at all - welcome it. I mean more the "why don't you ..." or pointing out something minor that is happening to one of your children eg sandy hands. We do go out and about a lot but it seems to happen every day right now! Unless I have pmt that is...

I have often felt the same. I am frequently given 'helpful' comments which seem like people imposing their parenting styles upon me. I don't seek peopole's advice and am actually very confident in my parenting but the constant comments can get you down.

I try to look upon the comments kindly and tell myself they are given with good intention, even if they sometimes make me feel rubbish and judged. Its getting easier as my 2 boys get older. I see how my parenting style is different that and everyone has their own styles. You will grow in confidence as you see your children thrive and develop.

It helps me to make a mental list of all the positive comments anyone has ever made to me about my children and a list of all the things that make me proud about them. I run through my list when I feel rubbish.

thank you

from everyone, the lady on the bus, the lady in the grocer, the man at the checkout in Waitrose - the list goes on and on before we even start with close friends and family...
I smile, nod and forget.

Well I guess I'm not on my own then! It's the ones with judgement attached that get to me most. Need to thicken that skin!

I have a friend who cannot help herself but offers advice on bloody everything in a control fresky way. I smile and say ""thanks for that idea" or "oh yes, I'll give that some thought". And ignore, ignore, ignore.

It drives her crazy but keeps me sane

Trust yourself a bit and give yourself some credit

It just comes as a bit of a shock that suddenly your life and way of going about things is subject to such comment and judgement. I have a friend whose kid has dvds on in the background nearly all day. I don't think it's a great idea but keep my mouth closed. She however wades in when she thinks my parenting is suboptimal.

The kids are great so need to trust my instincts a bit more! Thanks for the helpful comments.

ha ha ha, everytime my DS has the tiniest bit of dribble (which is always) or is chewing something (which is always) the GPs (all six of them) cry "teething!" as though a) we hadn't thought of that b) we should be doing something about it. He isn't in discomfort, not crying, is fine. Maybe he is teething, but teething is a continual process for months. We have had screaming banshee mights so we know when it really is teething. Grrrrr

it sounds like you are doing fine
i think everyone gets these comments sometimes but people probably do it even more to you cos of twins, so they feel more interested then if they are looking at them they notice something to say like sandy hands.
how about if you just dismiss them in a nice way, like oh a bit of sand wont do any harm i wouldn't worry about that, or whatever else? (i mean if they are playing with sand then big deal, they are going to get sand on their hands - mine tries 2 eat it so that is worse!!)
im sure people dont want to imply you're not a good mum they probably just trying to be friendly but come across wrong, so wouldnt pay too much attention to the comments

"pointing out something minor that is happening to one of your children eg sandy hands"

I know just what you mean! I know people like this - lovely people, but always doing little things in case you hadn't noticed them yourself, if you know what I mean. Like moving cups away from table edges, or giving DD a snack when we're out and I don't have anything - but then DD isn't used to snacking on the go. It should be helpful, and it's meant well, but it always makes me feel a bit inadequate. Then again I probably do the same thing to other people and don't realise it.

Yes I probably do do this too without realising it - good point. Trying to be helpful but ending up undermining - it's such a fine line. Feeling tons better thanks for all the helpful (underlined in bold) comments!!!

I remember walking the dog with DD1 and an elderly man chatted with me and asked if I was breastfeeding. Nowhere is safe!

After all my complaining someone paid me a parenting compliment in the park today! Just what the doctor ordered.