Disagreements on parenting DS are tearing our family apart-I'm desperate

[cloudywithachanceofrain]

I am at my wit's end. DH and I disagree with regards to parenting. I don't want to smack but DH uses verbal threats of hitting, smacking and unrealistic threats that he never carries out. He is all over the place and is very inconsistent. DS knows he can get away with things.

DH also shouts for me when he can't deal with him. DS is 6 and the last few weeks have been very trying. DH and I are constantly bickering in front of him about how to parent(and also other things).

Things are much better during the week but at weekends or on holiday, everything falls apart. DS doesn't listen to what we say, we have to physically hold onto him and get him to listen. If he is told he can't do something, he does it anyway.

DH uses a lot of negative language and DS gets a lot of attention for his unacceptable behaviour. He also teases DS a lot and says "stop crying like a girl" or "you need to toughen up/behave" and negates a lot of things he says which enrages DS as well as undermining me in front of DS saying things like "don't shout at him like that" etc. I've tried explaining to DH how I would like us to parent together and he seems to listen but then carries on as before. I feel I have a parenting strategy but DH just doesn't stick to any of it. It's like having two children.

I am just shouting a lot and crying and constantly on edge. I feel really unhappy and feel as if our family is going to fall apart. We can't be together without constant shouting and tears.

Does anyone know of any parenting courses or how I can find out about them?

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I have done the Family Nurturing programme. I did it through SureStart but as your DS is 6 I'm not sure you could access it that way. If you google then hopefully you should find it (am posting on my phone or I'd look it up for you). Sounds like a big part of the problem may be that your DH was parented badly himself.

Thank you. Will have a look for that. Yes, DH is just like his dad but I think maybe a lot of us were parented in that "if you don't do this, you'll feel the back of my hand" kind of way .

cloudy I feel for you, it must be awful to be undermined in this way. As for shouting for you when he can't deal with your DS, that is just

No info on parenting courses I am afraid, just hope things improve very soon for you.

Parents need to work as a team otherwise the children will walk all over you.

thanks funnysinthegarden.

Yes, I think DS is taking full advantage of the situation to play us up - and I think he's unhappy and confused too .

Maybe slightly off the wall here, but maybe a course on non-violent communication might help? It's done wonders for dh and my ability to communicate with each other about parenting, as well as with ds.

Perhaps Relate would be able to help you sort out your differences. Your DH sounds like a bully, tbh.

ib-where did you find out about your course?

MmeLindt, Relate will be my next step if this continues as I can't carry on like this.

I'm not in the UK, but here is some info on courses available in the UK

www.nvc-resolutions.co.uk/index.php

www.nvc-uk.info/

Dh and I are very cynical and had to take a deep breath and cope with the 'self-help' American marketing style that this stuff is sometimes presented through, but we don't for a second regret having made the effort. The fundamental message and techniques have been really valuable to us.

But possibly in the UK the hyperbolic stuff will be toned down a bit anyway, as Brits don't go in for it as much as people elsewhere do (here's hoping).

If your son is at school, do ask at school. My DCs schools have link workers who run parenting courses (also lots of parenting courses might contact them).

However the real problem sounds as if your DH needs a parenting course, and that might be hard to get him to.

Dont know if it would help for you, but i find when tackling DP about differences in parenting it can be helpful to bring in an (expert) third party. For me that has been health visitor & nursey manager in past and maybe with any future 'issues' would be a 'school link worker' of some kind as DS now school age. I'm not trying to be underhand, i dont think, when i do this, i think it just makes DP aware i am serious about trying to resolve difficulties

It sounds as if your DH is scared at the thought of your DS' behaviour getting worse, and you're stressed because you feel you need to ensure that DS' behaviour is perfect so that DH doesn't hit him. However, although your parenting strategy sounds much the better, I don't think you can just explain to your DH that this is how you're going to parent. Maybe say to DH "look, neither of us is getting this totally right, let's go on a course together." Would he be amenable to that?

It's tricky. Would recommend in this situation of contrasting parenting styles an approach like Magic 123 which takes the threats/shoutiness out of discipline and throws the onus of behaving back on to the child, rather on you having to crack down. Search on here for threads about it or look on Amazon at the comments/reviews. Very simple to implement.