I am feeling very proud of myself.
The whole world knows I struggle and the reasons why but with advice from MNters and some RL friends I have had a mind set change and have tried really well this week. Only shouted and kind of lost my way a couple of times. Just had a situation where the 9 year old hit the 5 year old and wouldn't apologise. He knew the consequences so DH took him upstairs for bath and bed. The hitting and kicking is awful so I am concentrating on being strict with that and trying to use me staying calm and reminding them of the house rules for everything else.
DH came down looking cross. I then had to prise ds1 off his bed, his door and everything on the way to the bathroom. Won't bore you with every last thing but he hit and kicked me and tried to bite me while I tried to get his clothes off and shoes. The whole time I was calm, quiet voice, offering to listen to what was wrong, etc. I talked him into sitting on my lap for a cuddle and we had a talk and he is now having a fun time in the bath, has apologised to me and his dad and I feel really proud of myself that I didn't shout or smack.
I am sure there will be someone who thinks I did something wrong but this feels pretty good now. By jove, I might make it as a mummy afterall.