How can I help? i'm heartbroken for him

[Aliarse]

My DS doesn't seem to have any friends in pre-school nursery. He's the youngest (some kids are a full year older having been held back) and started class later than the others.

He's been in trouble for kicking and biting, has tantrums when he cant get his own way at games (and even on playdates) and now has not been invited to a few all-class parties.

When I go and pick him up he is always playing on his own. He says the other children are frightened of him and run away. They dont want to play his games. I think they just don't want to play with him.

Its so sad but he's only got a few weeks to go. Does anyone know how can I help him create better relationships when he starts school? Or is this something he's going to have to figure out for himself as he matures emotionally?

Grateful for any thoughts.

think they play alongside each other more than with at this age!

I'm afraid that until he gets past the kicking, biting and tantrums he's not going to create many positive relationships.

I think that you will have to try and get him to empathise. They often play side by side rather then together at that age, especially boys, but he won't get friends unless he is a friend i.e. takes turns, shares and doesn't hurt others.

The nursery staff should have noticed that he is not socialising and put some strategies in place to support his social skills. I would ask them what they have observed and what plans they have to support him.

How old is he? I think as he gets a little older, it will sort itself out. I have had similar worries with DD1, and it seemed to change almost overnight - it was as though something clicked and she suddenly started interacting better with other children.

I also think that it worries us more than them at this age - we're projecting our adult social needs onto a 3-4 year old, and it doesn't always add up.

HTH.

What triggers this aggression? He obviously has good verbal skills as he communicates with you. Often lack of language results in frustration and aggression. What does his keyworker say?

If there are children a full year older who have been kept back, is it too late for you to decide to keep your DS back so he does another year of nursery before starting school? My DD is a Feb baby (Scotland) and we made the decision to send her to school at 5.5 instead of 4.5 and have never regretted it.

Oh dear

We have been reading a book on how to be a friend, he says he has been trying to join in like the book says, trying and trying again but no-one wants to play with him

I have been reiterating that he needs to share and take turns

is there anything else I can do, do you think?
Or will the penny just have to drop for him?

Are the children excluding him? Pre-schoolers are very age aware and 4 yo will exclude 3 yo who will then be promoted to the in grp upon reaching the appropriate age . Perhaps amongst his own age group he will get less 'wound up' as he will be 'equal'.

To answer some questions:

his intellectual and verbal skills are advanced I have been told

the nursery staff dont know what triggers the aggression, they havent even seen the biting and punching when it happens (they only seem to know when the parents complain). I have been told "not to be too hard on him" when I speak to him about the incidents.

The nursery seems to think his socialising is fine, so much so that he has been placed in a class with one wee boy who likes to torment him

This year all requests to keep children back a year (September to December birthdays) have been refused funding in my council area.

Perhaps he just finds it hard in a big group.
I would ask DCs around to your house to play on a one to one basis. If this proves difficult I would get together with another mother, with the holidays coming up, and take picnics out and play in the open air-even if it is just the park. If they are in open air and both have a bike it often helps. At that age I had a friend with a DS they same age, the boys didn't get on and we found the only way was to go out.
If there are problems, talk to him about them afterwards e.g. why they happened and what could have been done differently.

I definitley second trying one-on-one play with another boy. My dd was just like this (bbut no aggression) and also the youngest. She really wanted to play with other children but a) couldn't cope with groups, i.e. even 2-3 could be overwhelming and b) couldn't compromise on the activity even though I kept explaining that sometimes you have to play what the other dc wants to play or take turns or you can't play at all

School was rocky for a while and I did talk to her teacher about it. Her teacher made efforts to teach dd some ways of interacting socially and I just tried to give her simple advice. It does seem to have suddenly improved radically in the last few weeks.

I have worried quite a bit about this - I do sympathise. For a long time I just couldn't get dd to really 'get' the compromise on play bit even though she really wanted to play - very frustrating - she is a bit advanced in other areas for her age and yet this seemingly very simple bit of logic was beyond her.

We have a few one-on-one regulars from school and I really think that has been essential for her to integrate over the year. I also think it has helped that her teacher is on the same page - aware of the issue but positive and proactive about it.