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Help please............DD bitten today at coffee "thing" and we came home, what do I do now (sorry v long)

75 replies

loujay · 12/08/2005 19:35

Hope this is the right topic to put this under...here goes.........me and DD go to a coffee afternoon every friday with my antenatal group and its great, mums clicked right from the start and the babes (all girls) also get on well. This afternoon one of the girls bit my DD on her fingers leaving them purple with a mark that has still not gone down, the skin was broken but no blood (thank god). The girl who dod this has also bitten DD on another occasion when the mark stayed for a week and 3 weeks ago agressivly growled at her so loudly that it made her cry. After the growling I said to myself that if it happened again me and DD would go home. This child IMO is agressive and also seems to select my dd only for this bullying behaviour. The mother who I know well just says "stop being agressive" or "really you should go in the corner" makes her come and say sorry and then thats it!! LAst week my DD pinched one of the girls and after doing it twice I said if she did it again we would go home which we ended up doing. So after the biting today I decided enough was enough and we came home, the mum of the other girl took great offence and looked at me as if I was mental, I said that it was not a reflection on her, that I have alot of other issues going on at the moment and that I could not watch out for my DD and other children at the same time and that I did not want to argue with her about it so it was best if we went home to which she said that I obviously had other issues and that it was a good thing that I went otherwise we would really get into it!! I cried all the way home and dont know what to do now. I am a bit emotionally drained as my Mum died 3 months ago but I do feel that her daughter is a bully!! Any advice gratefully received

OP posts:
hercules · 12/08/2005 21:56

My dd is nearly two and has behaved that this in the past and I reacted the same way as that mum did. My daughter is not a bully........

hercules · 12/08/2005 22:02

That could have been my sisters boy who's nearly 3 and does such things. If she were to march him home they'd never get very far. SHe makes him say sorry each time and apologises to the parents.
He has a very traumatic background and my sister is doing an excellent job with him. I have to say she's doing so well especially when I hear other peoples reactions to her little boy.

Please think a little before you are so quick to judge. You have no idea of the background. My sister does not have to explain her child to lots of people in order to stop the tutting.

My nearly 2 year old hits with no provocation and to call this bullying and the child hit a victim is ridiculous.

hercules · 12/08/2005 22:03

sorry for the rant but these thoughtless comments have really upset me.

Utka · 12/08/2005 22:15

I have a friend whose child used to bite at about the same age. He always seemed to bite little girls for some reason. He was slow to talk and was possibly venting his frustration. Anyway, my friend dealt with it very well, IMO. Her first step was to pick her son up and move him away from the situation, telling him that it is wrong to bite. Then, without any further fuss, she would go and console the child who'd been bitten - cuddle them, and focus all her attention on them, rather than her son. He would be ignored. Then, a little later, he would be brought to say sorry to the child he'd bitten.

I always thought her approach was really sound, as it didn't give her son any real attention for what he'd done, but did encourage him to see that it was wrong.

At 2, I think it's really hard for children to bully in the sense that we probably understand from school age (or even slightly older pre-school children). Often they are testing boundaries, or even just testing out what happens when they use their teeth in this way.

I do understand how you must be feeling (it was my daughter that this child often bit, leaving serious marks!). It's doubly difficult when it's happening within a hitherto supportive and close AN group, as often you don't want to be the one making a fuss.

I expect your friend will understand (she's probably acutely embarrassed at what's going on), especially if you explain how vulnerable you are feeling about it. Hopefully she will be open to agreeing how you will both handle any future episodes.

morocco · 12/08/2005 22:30

it sounds like this little girl is a bit aggressive and it's a shame she's quite focused on your dd. It's awful to see your child get whacked or bitten, especially at that age when they are so innocent. Most children that age that I've known seem to have gone through a shorter or longer period like that. She's only 2 so I'd try not to put labels like 'bully' on her, even if I'm sure you never actually say that outloud. But it could still be a good idea to limit time between your dd and her for a while - she'll probably have grown out of it soon enough anyway.
So - you could stop going to the playgroup for a while - but that might be a bit extreme! You could just supervise her loads and move her miles away from this other little girl (a bit of a hassle too I'm afraid). Or suggest everyone meets up outside seeing as it is summer - that way they'll all be running around more burning off some energy.
But do speak to the parent and try to clear the air. She sounds really defensive about it - I'd be mortified (and I've been there!) and it'd be a shame to throw away a friendship over this - maybe you could meet up for a girlie night without kids next time.
hope it all works out for you anyway

bossykate · 12/08/2005 22:32

morocco, that is very sound advice, imo.

morocco · 12/08/2005 22:38

bossykate!

Mytwopenceworth · 12/08/2005 22:59

Biting is unacceptable and anti-social. But a child is not born knowing this! At 2, they don't really think about other people as an adult would understand it, do they? It is more likely to be an expression of how they are feeling rather than I want to bite X, its I feel cross, or I dont want to share (or I'm jealous of the new baby and I want some attention!)

I think of a 2 yr old and I think wow, you have been alive for only 24 months - I've got tins in my cupboard older than you!! How much you don't understand and how much you need to learn!!!!

It is the duty of the parent to teach the child that certain behaviours are not acceptable.

Enid · 12/08/2005 23:03

lol!

tins!

very good analogy.

Jimjams · 12/08/2005 23:05

ds1 doesn't bite- but sometimes he pinches his brothers to get them to scream so he can see inside their mouths. try stopping that one! (and he's a lot older than the tins - even in my house ) Sorry off topic- but I like the tins analogy as well.

Enid · 12/08/2005 23:07

lol!

to see inside their mouths!

that takes it off the scale Jimjams. Respect

Jimjams · 13/08/2005 08:52

yes- so as soon as ds2 is pinched (and boy ds1 can do it hard) and starts screaming the poor child gets all of us shouting "shut your mouth! Don't let him see" whilst dnacing arond in front trying to make sure he doesn't see. Don;t want any reinforcement. Apart from a very brief week or 2 when he went for a couple of classmates he has luckily confined that behaviour to siblings.

Jimjams · 13/08/2005 09:04

Thinking about it he used to do it to adults to get them to shout "no" which caused a few problems with the adults who couldn't bloody not say "no" ( he'd then single them out, they'd shout no so he;d go for them again!) Luckily- with a move from mainstream to a place where they understand the importance of identifying reinforcers and ignoring them that behaviour has long gone.

Eaney · 13/08/2005 10:06

Hercules, sorry if you think my comments were thoughtless but I was very very upset by the little boy who threw a stone at my DS. My cousin lost an eye like this and I think some behaviour needs more serious attention. I didnt say this child was a bully but I think he was misbehaving and his mother didn't seem too bothered. She didn't say sorry to me or my DS and I think this was unacceptable.

I agree that I don't know what is going on in this childs life but I do know that the safety of my child is paramount to me and if a child acts in a dangerous fashion he should be removed from an situation where he can hurt little children. Throwing stones to me is far more serious than biting or pinching.

hercules · 13/08/2005 10:11

Eaney- you said in your post the child's mother got the child to say sorry but now you say she did nothing?

I'll tell my sister to keep her little boy at home then. Funny how we all become outraged at neglet yet heaven forbid any of these negleted kids come near our own precious darlings.

hercules · 13/08/2005 10:12

Btw he is getting "serious attention" but his prognosis hasnt been good from the start. Better he's better off being shut away then.

Jimjams · 13/08/2005 10:16

hercules I can see why you are getting upset. Challenging behaviour is one reason why I find those of us with autistic children tend to stick together a lot. It's emotionally a lot easier. Does your sister have a good adoption group? There's a very active one down here- I know it's been a lifesaver for my friend.

hercules · 13/08/2005 10:19

YEs, she does have a fairly good support group and she handles peoples reactions far better than I do. We went on holiday recently together and she took him into the showers with her. He screamed the whole time and so mny people tutted and made disapproving noises.

She's had some awful comments from people in baby groups and has to be careful where she goes. She also has to be careful that she isnt constantly telling him off as would please other parents as he needs a lot of love and not constant negativity just to please others.

hercules · 13/08/2005 10:19

Thanks jimjams btw

Eaney · 13/08/2005 10:20

I didn't say she did nothing I said that she didn't seem too bothered and she didn't say sorry to me. Do you think throwing stones is dangerous?
I'm not suggesting that your sister keeps her child indoors but you have to accept that if her child is doing something dangerous and not just anti-social then something has to be done to limit the impact of their behaviour.

hercules · 13/08/2005 10:21

What do you suggest she does?

Eaney · 13/08/2005 10:21

Whatever works.

hercules · 13/08/2005 10:22

WHy didnt she think of that!

Eaney · 13/08/2005 10:23

Don't know.

FairyMum · 13/08/2005 10:23

I think it depends on the age too. I think a 3 year old is a bit big to be throwing stones tbh. To me there is a difference between a 2 year old and a 3 year old. A 3 year old can still get angry and frustrated and lash out of course, but if unprovoked threw stones, I would be worried as a mother. I would definatly take the child home. I think at that age they can learn that a consequence of their behaviour is that they have to go home. Agree with Hercules and Jimjams posts though. You should never judge a child as you don't know their situation/background.