How to be a less shouty mum?

[bananastainsonallmytops]

Hello,

I am currently a full time SAHM to a very very energetic almost 2 year old boy.

I love my son very much but he always wants to do things that are unsafe. I know most children go though a phase etc but he does these things and looks at me, as if to say 'I know it's not allowed but I'm doing it anyway'.
I do allow him to do most things, let him explore etc but he wants to climb on windowsills, on the table etc which is an obvious danger.

To the point...I try my very best to stay calm but after endless amounts of saying 'no you can't do that becuase you will hurt yourself' I do shout and feel teriible when I do. I feel like a failure as a parent.

I know it doesn't help that I get very little time to myself. My DH doesn't get home until 6.30pm which doesn't leave much time before getting DS off to bed.

We have just moved so I don't know of things to do in the area or people.
I try and take DS out for a walk/to the playground everyday. My weekends are spent cleaning.

Sorry for the long post, I just really need to know how other mums stay sane and calm.

Thanks for reading.

as a mum of 3 boys (i just typed that as dogs!) I can tell you that getting outside is a HUGE help (just like dogs)
nice long walks, plays in the park/garden... using up lots of that energy

I am trying to be less shouty in general as i've noticed myself automatically going into shout mode when it isn't even necessary. it's hard work and I often start off shouting and then realise and calm my voice right down lol

I think if they're doing unsafe/unwanted things and have been told, and are still doing them then distraction is always good. just say "no, we don't climb on the table" take hjim off and then find something else to do

change rooms too. mine get bored if we spend all day downstairs for example, so I try and make sure that we spend some time in their room playing trains or whatever, or bring a toy down that we don't have out much, or get them to help me doing things around the house (cleaning the bath for example!)

I definitely think the key is keeping them on their toes and not giving them the chance to do things that result in you shouting.

Sounds like you're having a hard time. Toddlers are tiring and dispiriting, especially if you don't have any local friends to moan to occasionally. Can you prioritise trying to meet people - toddler groups, etc. You also need to get some time to yourself, I think - do you really need to spend all weekend cleaning? Can you live with a bit more dirt and have some fun family time, plus a bit of time off at the weekends? (Am not the right person to comment on that, though, as my cleaning standards are low!)

Confrontational "no"s don't seem to work with some toddlers - just makes them more determined to do the dangerous thing. So go at it obliquely - distract, remove them to another room and don't confront head on. So for example, the other day my 2 year old DD2 kept slamming the car door and refusing to climb in. She threw herself out every time I put her in. In the end I left her on the pavement, sat in the driver's seat and started telling her big sister a story. So DD2 instantly climbed in and sat in her seat. Result. Doesn't always work, and sometimes I'm not calm enough to try it - I don't know about you but sometimes I feel as if I almost want the confrontation so that I can impress upon her how utterly unreasonable she is being. It's self-defeating, though.

Would really recommend "How to Talk so Kids will listen" (google it - it's recommended loads on here). I found it very helpful re. not trying to use a logical approach but distracting etc (e.g. there's no point saying over and over again "you can't have a drink because I don't have one with me, you have to wait until we get home" because toddler brains can't rationalise that way. So say instead "ooh, lovely. A big drink. I'd like one too. Shall we have beetroot and carrot crush with lots of ice and a purple straw" or something equally silly and they might start laughing instead of screaming.)

One tip I read recently which sounded sensible was that if you think you are going to shout, sit down - it's harder to be angry when you're down at their level. Don't know if it works, but I keep meaning to give it a go. Good luck, and hang on in there. They do develop a bit more commensense eventually.

Wow very quick responses. Thank you all for the great advice...although now feeling a bit bad that I should already know these tactics. The constant Mums guilt eh?

I will try every one of these tactics tomorrow and hopefully have a more productive day, i.e. no shouting.

thisyesterday: I agree about the long walks using lots of energy, the thing about my son, he never seems to run out of it.
Perhaps I should take him jogging

The tip about taking your LO to another room sounds good but we live in a tiny flat, so must make sure it's toddler proof first

Thanks again, in a strange way I feel better knowing that I'm not alone.

That does sound sensible dotty2, thinking about it, when I do shout it's when I am not at my sons level, so must try it. I certainly hope some common sense will develop .

I could have written your post! I am reading the "incridible years" at the moment in hope that might help! Will let you know!

Did you have a better day? I had a headache all day and displayed what I thought were incredible reserves of patience with toddler, long list of jobs, overtired DD1 and DD1's friend back after school - then shouted a fair bit at bed time. And one of those was when sitting on the floor, but to be fair it was when DD2 hurled herself with great force right at my head in a fit of over-exuberance. Grr - I hate bedtime giddiness. Why don't they come with an off button? I can't wait to get into MY bed...

You seem to be very tired. Try to rest as much as possible.

Try to find out what things are happening in the area. Getting out will definately make you feel much better.

I have three boys and a girl. Yes boys are very physical. Some would say naughty but they are lively. My daughter is flexible whether with her bros. or playing with her dolls. She is quite tough having three brothers.

Take your son to the park if possbile letting him run around and burn up some of his engergy. Word of warning do not try to run around after him as you will soon get more tired.

Over the years I have done so much talking talking talking and shouting shouting shouting. I am learning one warning then if no response then its time to have time out.

Its good for your son to be independant but some children do not know that they are doing something dangerous.

Boys like climbing. Two of mind are at present KICKING a balloon around. They love to do physical things!!

Just read what I have posted.

I must correct myself. I am still learning that once I warn then its time to act. To be honest I do not always do this.

You will find that a lot of mothers do a lot of talking and shouting. It reminds me of the old style pressure cooker. Its starts boiling then when the pressure builds up it starts letting off steam!!!!!

When we shout it takes a lot out of us emotionally. We must not always react to everything our children do.

Some fab suggestions here the only thing I would add is that we have a few things in the house that are blatently unsafe to do (i.e DS can turn on the gas cooker) in these situations I warn and then if he does it again I naughty step (in fact it's a naughty highchair as he doesn't stay on the step and we don't use the highchair for eating anymore). When I warn him or tell him off I try and get down to his level and keep my voice calm.
So maybe you can have 1 or 2 things (such as climbing on windowsills) that are just not to be tolerated because of the danger but the rest you can use distraction technique on.

On and stop doing housework all weekend!

I did have a better day after writing this posts, thanks for asking. I found the distraction technique only works when your child is not over tired, otherwise it worked rather well.

I actually spent the weekend shopping for a dress to wear to a wedding next weekend, I think I prefer cleaning
It's only when we have visitors that I clean throughly...that sounds bad lol.

Anyway, thanks again for all the posts. It feels better to know I am not alone when it comes to things like this.

Make sure Mum's not overtired too. Easier said than done but I have recognised I have a degree of caffeine addiction and so long as I've had enough tea/coffee I am less shouty! Also fresh air is good for everyone.

Google your local Surestart centre (hope the funding survives the budget) and find out what groups they run.

It's hard if you're remotely shy, but try to strike up conversations with other parents at the park, playgroup etc., to build up a network of local contacts. These can help with Yesterday's suggestion of changing location. Being at someone else's house makes me less shouty even if it doesn't have any effect on the DCs.

Sounds like you need an evening off - how about an evening class and let your DH do bedtime once a week? Another way to meet some new people (and not necessarily parents).

Hope things pick up.