A truly dreadful visit to the park.

[HumphreyCobbler]

I am getting about as much sleep as I did when I had a newborn, I weaned both of them last week, and I can't cope with DS hitting DD any more.

I tried saying DD is not for hitting and then give her lots of positive attention, as suggested in HTT, but this has not been a success. I also praise when he is playing nicely with her, but this is what slips when I am so tired.

Today in the park there was one swing free and DS climbed out of it. I lifted DD in and DS came back and walloped her in the face really hard. I completely lost my temper, left DD with a friend and marched DS to the car, where he had the most intense tantrum humankind has ever seen. It was unbelievable, loud screaming, hitting and kicking me, I was shouting at him and trying to get him in the car, it was truly dreadful. My friend kindly took over and persuaded him into the car as she could see that I had lost it , but it took her ages and she got kicked. All the way home he screamed and yelled. I yelled back in a very unhelpful way.

I wish I was better at this. I just completely snapped, no warning or anything. But DD has the right to exist without being hit and pushed all the time. I need a strategy, does anyone have any help?

DS is 3.2 and DD 20 months.

This will pass.

IMHO your ds is at the worst age for boys when it comes to tantrums. This time last year Ds2 had some doozies, but luckily he's my youngest, not my eldest, so I had free time in the day to deal with him.

Always isolate the tantrum. Pick your DD up, and carry her away and leave your ds screaming to himself while you watch from a safe distance.

does ds go to preschool in the mornings? In that time you can give dd loads of attention and then hopefully when ds comes home dd might nap and you can spend quality time with ds?
Going out to toddler groups etc will help too
ds will be occupied. With other kids/ toys etc
but you probably do all that anyway...

Thanks, it is just good to know I am not alone.

I think I should put him in his cot to isolate him then, he is not safe to be left. He throws stuff.

He does go to preschool normally but missed Monday as he was recovering from a bug.

Thanks for the replies, I really needed to tell someone what happened, it was so shocking and upsetting.

My ds1 was hideous at that age, still shudder at the
memory if his tantrums. He improved dramatically when he started school. You just have to be persistent/consistent even when it feels like it's not working, it will eventually.

It always seems to be in front of the same friend too.

I had JUST said how relaxed he had become lately

Ooh, tough ages. It WILL past. I honestly thought my 3 yr old was going to kill his younger sister for a long time. I couldnt trust him for 3 seconds with her. He pushed her down stairs, punched her, kicked her...it was horrendous.

He is 5 now and is fiercely protective of her. Sometimes, if he gets a bit rough with her, I tell him what he used to be like with her (he can't really remember)_ and he is horrified and says 'I would never hurt my little sister'. It's all cuddles now. Twas very different back then.

Grit your teeth, allow yourself to lose it occasionally (you are human) and remember - it is almost certainly raw, childish emotion (jealousy, most likely) that is causing him to act this way. He is not a bad kid. He will learn eventually that this isn't the right way to go about things.

Your friend sounds great, btw. Hang out with her more often!

Oh God - it had brought it all back. I had some hum-dingers with DS1 in the park. Interestingly, the he found the fact that I was pushing DS2 on the swings very very hard as well .... He was also a championship tantrummer - banging head on floor - running into walls. Just boiling over like a pressure-cooker.

It is so hard not to dislike them intensely when they hit their little sib, but all I can advise is fight the urge. Try not to jump too far into the future and worry this will never end. Worry made me over-react - along with tiredness. It will, and he may even end up liking her. In the meantime, try and remember how little he is.

Protect your DD but try and be more "bored policeman" than shrieky harpy (I made this mistake, believe me).

You are in the worst bit of parenting IMO, but it will just get gradually better and better.

Oh god the tantrums DS had at that age... frequently in front of friends too (whose own DC mysteriously didn't have tantrums at all... ) At times I seriously thought I would just take him to DP's work and leave him with DP and run away screaming (though it never quite came to that...) - and I had just the one DC at that point too!

I think you have to just stick it out - stay calm and consistent when you can, don't beat yourself up when you can't - it won't harm him to see that you've had enough. Pasta jar worked well for DS, eventually.

Re the hitting, try talking to him when he's not doing it, at a quiet time, emphasise hitting is not on and there will be consequences, but also encourage him to talk about how hard it is having a younger sibling - i think he's trying to express this. Maybe get a funny book about annoying siblings etc? He might just need to be heard about how much he resents her iyswim.

thank you so much

worry and tiredness do loom very large in my life at the moment

I was a seriously shrieky harpy this afternoon, it was horrible the way I just snapped and was livid. I normally have a bit more control than that.

There was an element of embarrassment too, I fear I was more worried by how bad it looked to all the people standing around than I was by poor DD.

Oh, I know. At the time it seems like you are the only person who has a DC with tantrums.

Forgive yourself for the shrieking. It would take the patience of a saint ..... I don't think I have ever felt such rage or impotence than when mine were this age.

Just take all the opportunities you can to cuddle DS, even if it is when he is asleep . Praise him after he has calmed down. My DS1 suddenly gained a huge measure of self-control at 4.

You know what? DS1 is now nearly 10 and he is such a lovely, thoughtful, truthful child. Still intense and emotional, still resents DS2 at times. But they love each other, and play together really well. Keep the faith

I can recommend siblings without rivalry

You aren't alone, I have had similar problems - mine is 20mo gap and they are currently 17mo and 3.1. I have similarly lost it, hence buying the book after cuffing DD round the head after she tried to bite DS's hand. I felt absolutely terrible.

The advice that helped us from the above book was:

praise given to the hurt one (as you did)

giving each of them time alone with just me

giving them both time apart, as the time not spent with me, was spent at nursery, or in someone else's care - ie they never spent time apart and were driving each other crazy.

Mine got better literally overnight. I think it was because I felt more in control with some strategies up my sleeve.

Good luck.

No advice, lots of sympathy. I have a 19-20 month gap between DD's.
It is not fun.

I remember being a shrieking harpy in the car on the way home after a horrendous day in the park with my DS (then aged 3ish). He and DD (22months younger) had wound each other up and I was seeing an old friend who I'd not seen for ages and DS screamed the WHOLE TIME. I was so cross and was horrible to them all the way home. Felt like poo afterwards.
DS was being very attention seeking and 2 things seemed to help - getting older! Once he was over 3.10 it seemed to get better - maybe due to his maturity or down to DD being less demanding - not sure.
The other thing was actually really trying to give DS some 1:1 time with me. we managed it through using nursery for DD 2 mornings (luckily financailly possible) when DS was at home. Sometims doing "fun" stuff like swimming/ cooking/ what he chose. Soetimes just hanging out together, and housework type stuff. It has made such a differnce. If you (orDP?) could do some 1:1 things it might help to give breathing space.
It also meant that I felt like we cold actually do some tings and I started to enjoy his company.

could actually do some things

cheers everyone

we had a really fun bedtime so the mood in the house was much improved, also you all had cheered me up a lot and made me realise that it wasn't all doom and gloom

really appreciate all the suggestions too

We all have days like this and, yes, they do seem worse when you've just told a friend how relaxed he is!

My DD1 had tantrums like this, always when we were in the same shopping area and she had to have an audience of at least 5 people. I used to grit my teeth, pick her up and frog march her to the car.

They've put up a plaque in her name now - her tantrums were spectacular.

My brother had SHOCKING tantrums at that age, he was the youngest so perhaps it was easier to deal with for my mother, but he was extremely physically aggressive and I remember being scared of him, as his eldest sister.
he's now in his 20s and the gentlest man I've ever met, truly. By the time he was 5 he'd totally changed.
You'll get through it.

Humph, my heart goes out to you. I hate people looking at me and yet my (only) DS would scream at the top of his voice so loud your eardrums would hurt. I remember in the supermarket once I was calm, then shouted, then bribed and failed at all (consistency might have helped here ) and then abandoned him strapped into the trolley in the middle of an aisle until I couldn't bear the guilt anymore!

Great if you can find a timeout place where DS isn't going to hurt himself (such as the cot) and repeat after me "He doesn't get it from me, he gets it from his father"....

I think you are doing a good job - leaving the scene is a good lesson for your DS, to know that behaviour is not acceptable.

Then when you get home put him in his room to cool off.

It's ok to be angry. He is learning about boundaries, and how far he can push.

By three you can start to explain to him why hitting is wrong - I'm sure you are already doing this.

My son used to have the worst tantrums. He would practically foam at the mouth!
It cracks me up now when his teachers tell me what an easy going kid he is.

They always sit him next to the special needs kids coz he's so gentle and patient.
I wish all the people who used to stare at me at the local shopping centre where he caused a scene every week could hear that!