alcoholic friend and caring for a child

[WoodlandFaerie]

a friend has a son in reception year.

She drinks every day while caring for him. Do not know how much each day at its height but the least she drinks is 3-4 cans of lager. She often drinks more, certainly in company as she is 'social drinking with company' ie, uses it as an excuse to drink.

She sneaks off in company to drink more than it seems, uses the filling of people's glasses as an excuse to drink more again. This is why i suspect that the 3-4 cans daily is more than that. But not able to say for sure.

She has on several occasions at least collected her son from school drunk. She is normally reeking of alcohol when we see her, regardless of the time of day (normally we see her around 4pm as we both have young children).

She neglects her child. He mostly eats bread, or if out with others at social gatherings, someone else makes sure he is fed, he fends for himself, he cleans u after him and her if a mess is made for some reason, she is short tempered with him, forgets to clean his teeth.

Anywat, to things happened have happened which have made me feel, more than ever that she is not capable of looking after her son atm and want to know your opinion.

firstly, last week, she was drunk, very drunk, while in the presence of her son, and she fell over while attempting to swing a 4 pack of beer across her shoulder, and hit her face on some stone steps. Her son witnessed this, she stayed down for a while and he thought she was dead until she finally moved. Her face is a mess, grazed badly, luckily she did not break her nose/cheek/teeth/neck.

The second thing is at around 4pm during a gathering of friends in an outdoor venue, she was drinking heavily but descretely as normal, she asked her son to fetch her a beer. He did so without questioning, as if this a normal thing to do. She asked it like it was too. Much to the amazement of others, and followed by some backtracking (she was only joking, aw bless him sweet boy).

Should i take action (tell her x-dh, ss, someone else?) I feel so sorry for the boy who is a lovely kid, and when others are around at least, she lets them look after him, she pays him no attention. She is not prepared to address her alcohol issues, she has been there before and is not ready to do it.

DH and i have had a huge argument about this. He has asked if i am prepared to break up a family, i said it would not be me breaking it up, if it did indeed come to that. He told me he thought she was doing fine looking after him, he was a happy enough boy so that was a good sign. I pointed out his views expressed over the weekend and asked what had changed other than complacency/turning the other cheek. He said fair enough he had some concerns but things were 'not that bad' I asked him how long did we wait, did we wait til they 'were that bad' to tell someone? He said i would be interfering, i am not at work now, we are not close enough. I have said that others are chosing to ignore/deny/sit on hands, i just cannot do that any more. He said many people are successfully brought up by alcoholic parents and i asked him to name one person he knows that has had a happy upbringing in those circumstances, he could not. I said that yes the boy might just grow up unhappy, or he could have happen or witness something horrendous.

He is not convinced. I said that while we are married and we discuss these things together, if he does not agree, i am an individual and can/will make the decision alone. Makes it harder without his backing.

I have called the school. some-one is calling me back - identified child protection officer.

bloody hell, what if i am doing something terrible here? DH is right, we don't see her every week, but i cannot recall a time we have seen each other or spoken on the phone when she is not drunk.

You know you're doing the right thing. If your DH is right and she's doing a good enough job looking after her son then Social Services won't remove him - if she isn't then he'll go to live with his dad or grandparents til she can.

You are doing the right thing.It is time for someone to stand up for that little boy and today that person is you. I often think those who vilify the SW in cases like baby peter, some of them probably lived in the same street as the family, some of them had DC in the same class as the older siblings, saw the stepdad down the pub....everyone probably knew the family was a nightmare but it was no-one's problem. IMO we all have a responsibility to protect the vulnerable in our society.

You are doing the right thing. I grew up in house with an alcoholic parent, a lot of people knew but no one wanted to get involved. It was not a healthy environment to grow up and my parent passed away just before my 18th birthday because of alcohol. My whole childhood had revolved around the alcoholic, don't let it happen to this child too.

WoodlandFaerie, what will happen if it turns out she's ok? SS will monitor the family for a few weeks/months, realise that there's nothing to worry about, and drop the case. That's all.

SS, regrettably, has lots of experience of dealing with alcohol problems and can spot when there's something to worry about and when there isn't.

And if it turns out that she's not ok? Well, if SS's work with my ex is any indication, they'll give her every opportunity to sort herself out while also ensuring that the child is being protected from the worst of the drunkenness. It will only be if/when she proves herself incapable of dealing with her drink problems (and/or incapable of putting the child's interests first) over a long period of time that SS would consider moving the child to a more stable home.

Because of my ex's alcoholism we had SS involved with our family for about two years in all. My ex really was given all sorts of assistance and chance after chance to demonstrate that she was doing something positive about her drinking. Sadly, she blew it every time and so our children live with me now.

Exactly - SS will assess. Bit dramatic to say "breaking a family apart"

jamie - dh thinks that ss will remove the boy. He is of the school that that is what social workers do. despite having a brain in most other areas.

thanks for your perspectives everyone, it has helped. I have spoken to the school cp officer who has taken down my concerns and has said she will act on them appropriately. whatever that means. She has assured me it will be confidential as in me not being identified.

Yes, I know lots of people feel the same way. Not meaning to diss your DH

I'm guessing you see much more of what goes on, which is why it is more pressing to you. My DH has a tendency to say "don't worry" about childcare -related issues

Good for you

Well done. Difficult to do but it needed to be done.

jamie oh don't worry about dissing DH. He is for the most part a clever man, but he is also anything for a quiet life man, and does not see himself as part of anyone else's business. He is starting to realise there is a bigger picture out there, not just his own little nuclear world, but it is a slow process. I think he will need to witness a few more smashed in faces or worse before he really gets that she cannot cope. I guess most people turn a blind eye, if there are no outward scars, can't be that bad right? But is it hard enough to keep our children safe in the world when we are sober, and hard enough to look after just yourself drunk. The two cannot mix with a good outcome.

I do feel i have done the right thing. Despite the anxiety I feel about what might happen, whatever will happen will be the best for my friend's little boy.