Please help me improve my relationship with my five year old

[LittleSilver]

Bit of background. DD1 was a delightful surprise (I got pg at uni)and I was reasonably young when she was born. She was a one and only until she was 2 1/2, and during that time absolutely showered with attention and was the complete centre of our attention, and probably very spoilt as well. DD2 came along when she was 2 1/2, and although she says she remembers a time before DD2 came along, I'm not sure she does. But I do think she has some kind of memory of the amount of attention that she used to have. 9 months after dd2 was born I got pg with dd3. dd3 has just turned 1 and I have just found out I am pg with DC4. And DD1 and I are not getting on brilliantly.

She is very very highly strung (breath holding tantrums, tendency to faint, mahooosive temper tantrums) and is also very loving. I think she may be quite bright, but it's difficult to be objective. I am really aware that I can't give her the sole attention that she needs because I am so often mopping up a 1 year old and a 2 year old. My mother is an mental HCP and says that dd1 is expected to be quite independent and that we do "expect a lot of her for her age". That's probably very true . She worships DH, but unfortunately he works around 80 hours per week and doesn't see her much Mon-Fri, just an hour or so in the morning. I work pt and she is very resentful of the time that I spend with her younger sisters when she is at school (I worked FT when she was younger not through choice)

I love her so so much and tell her so but she nearly always seems to be so angry with me. I don't always handle things well; this morning she refused to sit down in the car and unstrapped herself and shouted at me I got very cross, probably I should have just stayed calm but we ended up being 20 mins late for school, even though I had had them all in the car ten minutes before we were due to leave!

DM has suggested one-on-one time with her (we used to do this a lot more, before dd3 was born; I would suprise her at nursery and take her swimming or something) and I am going to start taking her swimming on the late night opening once a week as a "big girl" treat; but has anyone got any other ideas? I'd really welcome them. I love her so much and I want that bond we used to have when she was tiny.

Thanks

well my first idea was going to be one-on-one time

it's also worth grabbing any opportunities when the other 2 are asleep, or occupied with something, to do things with her
involve her in making dinner, give her some grown-up jobs to do (because she is the ONLY one of the children who is big enough and clever enough to do it), and take time to do things that SHE chooses to do, even if it's something you hate

Take every opportunity that comes your way to tell her that you appreciate her. Thank her for every positive thing she does.

eg
Thank you for putting your uniform on so quickly this morning.

I love the way you always eat your dinner without a fuss.

I feel happy when you help your little sister like that.

I am proud of you for working so hard in your swimming lesson today.

They can be very tiny things and be in the middle of dozens of negative things she has done. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you find chances to let her know that she is loved and appreciated constantly.

I'd second all those suggestions. I have to force myself to praise dd1 for the small positives some days or it would just be aggro shit day from start to finish. However, it is definately cyclical and she is lovely 80% of the time. Bloody hard work the other 20%. I too shout when I shouldn't but kids do need to see you angry I believe as long as it isn't the only emotion you show them! I always have a chat with dd1 when the dust has settled and we apologise, discuss strategies for next time and have a cuddle.

Watching this thread with interest. Same probs here and I've only got two children.

PLEASE PLEASE go onto amazon.co.uk and get this book:
'kid cooperation how to stop yelling, nagging and pleading and get kids to cooperate'

you can get a second hand copy for a few pounds. I know the title isn't you specific problem but the whole book addresses communication between parent and child and how to get a very positive relationship going. You can begin to see differences in a matter of days just by the way you talk to your child and how you phrase things.

My little girl is 5 and she began to be cheeky etc etc and this book completely chnaged our relationship. Please read it, you won't regret it and it could change so much for you in the best way possible.

PLEASE PLEASE go onto amazon.co.uk and get this book:
'kid cooperation how to stop yelling, nagging and pleading and get kids to cooperate'

you can get a second hand copy for a few pounds. I know the title isn't you specific problem but the whole book addresses communication between parent and child and how to get a very positive relationship going. You can begin to see differences in a matter of days just by the way you talk to your child and how you phrase things.

My little girl is 5 and she began to be cheeky etc etc and this book completely chnaged our relationship. Please read it, you won't regret it and it could change so much for you in the best way possible.

When DD1 turned 5 I thought we were locked in a power struggle from which only one of us would emerge alive, it was that bad. She discovered sarcasm at this age , and it was hard for me to deal with. I found what helped was roping her in as my helper some time during each day and catching her being good and co-operative. Plus teaching her to do a good deal for herself and praising her there too your mum is right. She had a simple chore to do each day setting the table for the family, and she did her best to fold napkins in some fancy way occasionally. You have to get them looking to you for positive and realistic feedback.

5 is an age of transition from the baby stage to childhood. I found that it helped to have real discussions with DD1 about her feelings, acknowledging them and asking her how she could express them better. She was definitely old enough to understand that she could hurt other people's feelings as well as physically, and could understand the idea of kindness.