Trying to raise a bilingual DD: Guilt over not speaking enough German

[ExistentialistCat]

Can anyone relate to this situation and advise?!

I'm German but have grown up in English-speaking countries and all of my education has been in German. When we were small, speaking German at home was a family rule and if my sisters and I were caught talking in English to each other we'd get told off.

I now have a nearly one year-old DD. DH is English (understands German) and we live in England. Just about all friends are English. English feels much more natural to me than German. So, although I tried to make it a habit to talk to DD in German whenever it's just me & her, I regularly find that I've lapsed into English.

I do try. I sing her lots of German songs and we'll go back to a weekly German playgroup just as soon as I've recovered from the first attempt . I've got German books bursting out of my bookshelves. I've made friends with a German mum and her similar-age little girl largely so that DD might have a German buddy. My (German) parents come to visit about every 4 weeks and we have very intense German-speaking weekends then.

I worry that all this isn't enough and I feel guilty, as being bilingual has been such a gift for me. My parents lay on the guilt with a trowel - rather than being pleased at DD's first word last week ('cat'), they said that it should have been in German!

Sorry this is so long. I find it quite hard and there aren't that many people who can understand my situation.

I do!
Not that I was brought up bilingual - I'm self-taught (nearly) bilingual (brought up monolingual Eng.) but trying to bring my kids up bilingual in a country where English is the minority language and I am virtually their only source of English apart from books and DVDs. I don't tend to lapse into the other language but they've been in full-time childcare/education in the local system since the age of 1.5 and the other language is def. their first language - and certainly the language they play in, because all their friends use that language.
But be good to yourself - everything is better than nothing and you're very lucky that she has such regular contacts with German - my kids only get to see my mum once every 3-4 mths. One of them is better than the other at English and a lot depends on the character of the child apart from anything else. My DD2 is a happy-go-lucky little thing and pays very little attention to whether it's an English words she's using or not, even at nearly 5, whereas DD1 is much more careful (pedant ).

She's young still, it's not too late.

If you are determined to bring her up bilingually, make it a rule with yourself that you ONLY EVER speak German to her (except in group situations where it would be rude, of course), so that it becomes totally natural. If your DH understands it means he won't be left out so there's no reason not to at home.

It'll do you good too to speak German every day, as well as improving your DH's grasp of the language and vocab.

I'm bilingual German/English and we always spoke German at home (bossy German mother). To be honest, I find being able to speak German not that useful. English is so universal now and there aren't really other countries that speak German in the way that there are with Spanish or Arabic.

I certainly wouldn't feel guilty about it or let your parents pressurise you. What I value about being brought up in a dual culture are the differnt traditions and values, such as around Christmas and food and the different approaches to life. The cultures look quite similar on the surface, but there's something about the rigour of German culture that has taught me a lot.

In terms of career prospects, German is a very difficult language to master and business German is quite different to day-to-day German. Speaking German has never helped me careerwise.

Enjoy your daughter! Communication isn't always about different languages.

I personally agree with Castille, except that I would not worry about the group situations - I personally do not think it rude to speak to a child (as opposed to a bilingual adult) ina different language. It should be clear to all but the most paranoid that you are not whispering secrets!

I speak to my daughter 100% in French. No one has ever asked what we are talking about but, if they did, I would continue speaking to my daughter in French and then translate for them.

MIFLAW - I mean group situations where it is necessary or just polite for others to understand what is said.

Of course there are times when it is v useful to be able to speak to DC without others present knowing what you are saying

MIFLAW, I have found that in a group setting involving other children, it can cause paranoia: particularly if something has just gone wrong and you are trying to establish the culprit. Speaking to your own ds in a language the rest don't understand is an ideal way to make his mates believe that you favour him and are making it easy for him to scapegoat his mates. Nothing as paranoid as 9yo boys ime. It is also very difficult to play games together in group settings if you don't all speak the same language. Or helping a group of older children with their homework. Am I right in thinking you do not have older children?

I understand where you're coming from - and although I try to speak Dutch consistently, it is often easier to go with English.

I think what is also important is that you do not get too stressed about whether you 'do enough' - they learn an awful lot, even if you sometimes speak in English, and I think that a positive atmosphere is key (I personally couldn't imagine telling DD's off for speaking English to me). Go with what works for you and what feels right - certainly don't expend any energy on guilt.. (and for what it's worth - I think your DD is getting more German than mine does Dutch (she's 3) and she still gets by)

I can relate to these issues very well as we're also raising our children bilingually German (me) and English (dad). They are now 8 and 6 and speak both languages very well, but I have definately become more pragmatic over the years .

I do generally speak to them in German when we're together as a family or when I'm alone with them. However, when they have (English) friends round and they play or eat together, we all communicate in English - it just seems rude to exclude someone from our conversation, even the kids insist on this. Of course, when the friends have left or even when I'm alone with one of my kids, we switch back to German.

MIFLAW, I used to have your attitude too when mine were younger ("I speak to my daughter 100% in French") and it worked very well and gave them a good German foundation. However, you may find that as your daughter gets older she may feel uncomfortable speaking to you in French in company of her friends so as not to make them feel excluded.

And to QUEENOFWHATEVER, I think it would be a shame for the OP not to pass on a language she speaks well. There are lots of benefits to a child's brain when learning several languages, regardless of how 'useful' a langugage may be from a business sense. At nearly age 1 it is definately not too late - keep it up, you're giving your daughter a great gift !

As I said, it is just a personal view - and, yes, I (like the OP) am talking about very small children (my daughter is 2).

Mine have never actually felt uncomfortable about speaking Swedish to me in public per se: it's just that as children get older, certain situations can be either very sensitive or just require everybody to be able to speak to everybody at the same time (e.g. finding an explanation for the broken drawer, playing Monopoly with a group of friends, doing homework with a group of children or just having somebody over for their first sleepover- and that's before we even get into first boyfriends and girlfriends ).

But the rest of the time they are happy to speak Swedish. In fact, ds specifically requested that I should stick to Swedish only when walking him to school. I asked if he was embarrassed about my accent. No, it turned out if I speak English people might understand what I'm saying. Which apparently wouldn't be any good for his street cred. (thank you, my son, you are such a charmer)

I'm with cory and annasmami on this - especially when other kids are at our house I would hate them to feel uncomfortable or nervous because they didn't know what was going on, so we tend to stick to Polish then (live in Poland). But otherwise I speak English to them, though I don't police them speaking to each other (usu. Polish with a spattering of English words thrown in ).

my DH could have written your OP when we lived in the UK - he's german and his whole work day was spent speaking english and even tho i could speak a bit of german we never really spoke it together as a family. he tried to speak to our dc in german but found it difficult to switch between the 2 languages. he worried lots that they werent speaking/hearing enough german.

but we did what you're doing - we actively sought out other german families for them to talk to, they had lots of time with grandparents and all the foundation for speaking german was there from whatever they had heard from dh! dont beat yourself up about it - your dc is only little but just try to incorporate as much german into the day - your DD will appreciate it when she's older - its such an amzing skill to have (as you know!)

Queenofwhatever - i'm quite shocked that you think just because a language is only spoken in a few countries that there's no point in her dd learning it. I agree with annasmami - there are so many other benefits to the child to being bilingual - how boring would it be if everyone spoke english!

I understand where you're coming from Ecat, but don't let parental pressure spoil your communication with your daughter. Perhaps you could go for quality not quantity and have "German hour" every day, that would take the pressure off if you feel more comfortable speaking Eng.

Although I have spoken English 100% to my children since they were born I am now finding at the ages of 5 and 6 that their English, although good, is grammatically flawed with a limited vocab. They can't do Eng question forms correctly and I'm fed up of "low grade" communication. I've decided to give them lessons this summer and if that doesn't work perhaps I'll just accept the fact that they'll never be bilingual and concentrate on having them speak their "first" language properly.

My instinct on reflection is that you are doing everything absolutely right and that the main problem is that your parents are making you feel guilty through unrealistic expectations.

So ignore them.

There are lots of books out there about bilingualism - maybe read one or two, not to teach you how to do it (you're already doing great) but to give you ammunition to discuss what is realistic.

Keep at it - you're doing fine!

"Although I have spoken English 100% to my children since they were born I am now finding at the ages of 5 and 6 that their English, although good, is grammatically flawed with a limited vocab. They can't do Eng question forms correctly and I'm fed up of "low grade" communication."

Endangered species - are you me???

But I'm not giving up. Now I'm at the stage of teaching them to read I'm hoping having to read "proper" English will help them to speak it better. Also, I let things go if we're in a hurry but otherwise I prompt the correct form and am annoyingly pedantic if I'm premenstrual like today

The other thing we have problems with is English manners - in Polish, tone of voice and change of tense generally is enough to be polite, and my kids get lazy about using "please" and "thank you" - it's sort of overkill in Polish to use them as much as in English, so I'm always drilling them on that and it drives them up the wall

Agree with MIFLAW: don't listen to your parents! The only result will be that you feel less and less comfortable about using German at all, because it reminds you that they are not perfect.

Thank you all for your interesting and thought-provoking replies!

It seems to me that there are two separate issues here: One is the practicalities of raising a bilingual child (what to do about peer group situations, mixed-language family situations etc) and the other is the wider social and emotional meaning and identity that's bound up with language. It's the latter that I'm struggling with and that posts like those from cory, EndangeredSpecies and QueenofWhatever touch on, I think (thank you!!).

I want to give my daughter the gift of speaking German, even if it doesn't always have obvious practical uses in everyday life (I do know what you mean, Queen!). But I'm also aware that I'm much more natural, much more ME in English. So I feel, rightly or wrongly, like I'm pitting the advantages of a foreign language against having a genuine, free-flowing relationship with my daughter.

Ironically, this dilemma is actually making me talk less and less to her because I can't decide which language to use! So I'm trying to be a bit more relaxed and kinder to myself. I'm going to try and speak to her spontaneously without worrying about that day's German quota and to bring in as much German as I can in a playful, natural way, but not to force things. I know that this is unlikely to result in as high a level of fluence as speaking German exclusively might, but it's the best compromise I can think of!

Hi ExistentialistCat,
I was raised bilingual German-Italian and now live in UK. I want to bring up my DD bilingual Italian-English. (And when she has a solid grasp of English, I want to gently introduce German. Unless I see she resists it! ) I don't think it's necessary to be so strict to only ever speak to her in Italian (my DH only speaks English). I switch between English and Italian depending on how I feel. Sometimes it just feels forced and wrong to speak Italian, and sometimes when we play I couldn't say the same silly things in English as it wouldn't feel natural.

Being constantly exposed to more than one language is enough for my DD's little brain to benefit. I don't care if she'll be perfectly fluent in Italian at the age of 6. She will have good fundamentals that will give her a head start should she decide to pursue that language as she grows up, no matter what degree of exposure she's had. I wouldn't want to force any language on her, even less so if I felt uneasy speaking that language all the time.

I think that children are very sensitive. If my DD felt that I was forcing myself to speak to her in a particular languages she would probably pick up the tension. I want her to enjoy what ever language we speak.

I was raised in the northern part of Italy where the whole region speaks German as well as Italian. My mum is mother tongue Italian and my dad is mother tounge German. It came natural to them to each speak to me in their own language. In my case I love both languages the same. But I also love English! All I want my DD to do is love languages same as I do. The rest will follow when she decides what language she wants to learn. Afterall, I learned English when I was at high school, and I think I can express myself well enough? I also speak French and Spanish. I am not as fluent in these latter two, but I managed to get a job in an International company using both French and Spanish. I think any exposure to languages will definitely enhance your DD's ability to pick up languages.

I send out my love to all languages!
S