My 9 year old says I do have to jusitify my desicions to him

[FabIsGettingFit]

The fuck I do .

My nephew is terrible for asking the same question again. Could be five seconds or five minutes or five hours later. He'll do it several thousand times if you reply the same/shout at him. It doesn't even make sense - sometimes he clearly wants a different answer, sometimes he already has the answer he wants [i.e. "Can we go to the park after we've done this?" "Yes"]!

What I found worked with him is answering the first time as I always would [he's another human being asking a reasonable question, he deserves to have some understanding] and then the second time I reply, "What did I say the last time you asked?" Ninety nine times out of a hundred he has remembered my answer, can repeat it to me, and it's like hearing himself say it cements it in his mind or something, because he stops asking then. Worth a try?

Yes.
Thank you.

Gosh aren't you all reasonable?

I guess then I'm one of the few left who wheel out that tried and trusted old favourite ...'Because I said so..'

Of course I do offer reasons why often, but if I think I'm being questioned just to wear me down the above comes in handy

I have been saying Because I said so and feeling I have failed when I do. Mind you I always said I wouldn't say wait until your father gets home, and I have. No point now as they fuck him about just as much.

I used to pretend to phone dh at work to complain about ds's behaviour. He used to be terrified, god knows why, his dad's quite soft but ds always wanted to stay on his right side.

I explain my decisions.
They don't have to agree with me, and they then know that the same sequence of events in the future will lead to the same decision and consequence.
Saves arguments, pleading and whining.

I think if I was 9 I'd want a good reason for not being allowed to watch Dr Who, though.........

MaamRuby - no need to apologise but I wasn't entirely sure what point you were making.

seeker - sorry but . I am taping it for him.

I have been told before I analyse things to much .

I read a lot of pregnancy magazines and childcare books when first pregnant and the children were young to the point that I seem to have lost all instinct.

I am so busy trying to do the right thing because I so obviously had the bad thing, and worrying about what they will think and remember at 15 that I can't just get on with it.

The older two are brilliant at school. The younger one is not and I was called in on Friday but I am not sure what they expect me to do as I can't make him behave at home when I am there, how am I going to do it when I am not.

It sounds fair enough to me. I justify my decisions-they sometimes still don't like it, but that is tough!

"He asked if he could watch Dr Who. DH said no. DS1 asked why. We had already told him but he kept on so I said I didn't have to justify our decisions and he said I did."

well, you DID justify your decision if you had already told him why you didn't want him to watch it
i think saying "no you can't watch Dr Who because i say so and i will not justify my decision" to a 9 yr old would be odd and unfair
but you didn't do that
what you are saying, i think, is that you will not be drawn into endless discussions over subjects you have already made a firm decision about, and explained why
i think that sounds perfectly fine

with the only reservation being, the more children are allowed to negotiate and the more they see us being flexible, the better their negotiating skills and ability to be flexible will be
but everyone has a point at which they need to say "enough, we have discussed this already"

FWIW i think parenting courses can be great
they give you skills and a chance to practise them, confidence in what you are already doing well, plus a chance to let off steam about difficulties, and hopefully support from other parents in the same boat

good luck with it

Ooh, Fab, I used to be very guilty of the over-analysis too. I could spend hours agonising over what MIGHT happen IF [in a situation that was about 0.005% likely to ever occur]. I still have the thoughts, because I can't really switch them off [I think about absolutely everything and then some, and I like to know all the possible outcomes of a situation] but I sort of think about them now and then leave it there. Like 'I've analysed that, now move on'.

What did help me was having some very pragmatic, no-nonsense sort of friends who I knew I could phone when I was being ridiculous about something. I would pour my heart out for five minutes without stopping for breath and they would just say, "Chill out, that's never going to happen/you're doing fine/get over it!" I specifically chose my most laid-back mates for this because I figured with their perspective and my perspective I could reach a happy medium, and it seemed to work for calming my anxieties!