DH very impatient with our newborns - anyone else find this?

[ladyandthechocolate]

Right then. We have 6 week old triplet boys and a 20 month old DD. DH is fantastic with DD - patient and kind and she adores him. It's a different story with our new babies - he has admitted that he doesn't like them much at the moment and he can be very impatient with them. Obviously we are both pretty tired which doesn't help.

If the babies aren't 'behaving' i.e drinking their milk fast enough, going to sleep at the appropriate time, peeing over him etc then he gets really irate. I have to really bite my tongue at times. I don't think he can handle the lack of control he has over the situation. He is better in the week when he's been at work all day. He spends most of the weekend being crabby and snappy.

I remember he wasn't too keen when DD was a baby but as there was only one and I was BF then I did the getting up at night and more of the general caring. Things improved for him when she was about 3 months.
Occasionally we have a bit of a 'middle of the night bicker' and the other day he said he never asked to have 3 babies . Clearly we never planned to have three but I can't look at our three lovely healthy boys and feel upset about it!

Anyone else have this problem?

Haven't got triplets, or indeed babies anymore, but didn't want your post to go ignored!

Poor you & Dh - I can't begin to imagine how hard it is at the moment .

Not sure how much advice I have except to say that him getting 'irate' obviously isn't a good outcome for anyone, so you/he need to find ways to get him out of that cycle...

I think you're right about the 'control' thing. I was fairly control-freaky in a high powered job up until DS1 came along, and I used to react rather like your DH when DS didn't do things as I expected/planned/wanted. I had no previous experience of babies and was completely floundering with the lack of control.

Can you talk to DH calmly about his response during less fraught moments? Explain how it makes you feel (e.g. scared, angry too etc)
Try to agree what would help e.g. would he be better changing than feeding etc?

When I went back to work and DS1 was still waking me twice in the night I know I used to get worked up thinking about how I'd cope the following day if he didn't go back to sleep quickly - perhaps your DH is having similar thoughts?

Baby triplets + a toddler is a HUGE responsibilty... can you pull in any extra help, even for a short period to get you through the worst?
Where abouts in the country are you?

I suspect he is so stressed about having triplets that even small things are tipping him over the edge. I found that dh was really a bit overwhelmed when dc2 was born and that made him exaggerate all problems. I don't really know what you can do about that - I think I would be very stressed in that situation.

My dh wasn't too keen on our ds when he was tiny. He used to get cross at all the screaming and weeing etc. But it was because he didn't know what was wrong and therefore couldn't "fix" him when he was crying. My dh likes to be able to fix problems.

I think it is quite normal for men to be like this at first.

Do you know if you can get any help from the multiple birthy people?

Speak to your HV and ask what may be available to you.

Also, have you tried speaking to him, and telling him that its ok to talk to you too.

I know its hard but dont take to heart what he said, as we all say things, tired / grumpy etc that we may not truely mean... and he's probably right, he didnt ask you to have three babies, well done you for being such a fabby mum though - how exciting to have triplets (and exhausting I bet)

DH can be like this, even now DS is a toddler. He really struggles with not knowing what's wrong and not being able to fix it, and gets really stressed.

Not much help but just saying you're not alone!

Don't blame him for being irate and impatient, with four children under the age of two!

And I think you are fairly exceptional not to feel irate and impatient with three newborn babies to look after!

Are you getting plenty of help apart from your dh? I think that's what you need.

Your dh needs time to bond. There is so much emphasis on the mother bonding and the mother getting PND, but very little about how the changes effect the father.

And all of this times by three for you and your dh!

It's very early days, and I'm sure things will get better. In the meantime, try and get as much help as possible from family, friends, Sure Start etc. And maybe your dh can take a small amount of time each week to do something for himself? And you can do this as well?

wow - respect to you both for having survived the first 6 weeks -i think you would be exceptional people if you hadn't got a bit stressed/cross/worried by now? i know the first couple of months were pretty hard for us with a toddler, and we only had one newborn!

think you've had some good suggestions on here - it's all about getting help to get you through this tricky stage isn't it?

is there a twins club locally - they accept triplets too! - i know they were a lifeline for my friend as she could compare notes with people who were having similar experiences? TAMBA (twins and multiple births association) organise some - might be worth googling?

i'd also make full use of your health visitor if you get along? with 3 tinies, i'm sure they'd be happy to give you some extra support?

for you as a couple - can you try and find a little couple time in the evening? making time to talk/have a glass of wine/ eat together can really help?

the being irate thing does sound worrying but if it is just an exaggerated version of how he was with your dd, then it will sort itself out in time? you just need to be strong and keep communicating - each day will get a little easier as the babies start to settle into some kind of routine?

take care of yourself

Thanks for your replies. We do have some family help but there is no extra help provided to us by surestart etc as they don't operate in our area. I'm hoping to get out to our local multiples group in time but getting out of the house is such a mission that I think I'll wait until the babies get a bit bigger.
He is very rational and quite calm in the day, I think its the sleep deprivation that gets to him. You're def right about the not being able to 'fix' things. It's all made worse by not spending much time together - we tend to sleep in shifts so we don't have much time to chat.
I feel ok really as I'm made from 'keep calm and carry on' stuff. There's more crying than I'd like but I've made my peace with the fact that I can't attend to them all at the same time.
I think it will improve with time.

Nothing of use to add other than Fair Bloody Play to the both of you!

Cannot imagine how tough it must be at times for you both

Congratulations

congratulations on the triplets! wow, you both must be shattered with your new family dynamics now. Give your DH a break, he probably feels so overwhelmed by the situation still. And it is also very stressful for you but you have better coping skills than him at the moment. Not all men love the baby stage. My OH doesn't really enjoy it either.

I agree with the others, your DH sounds completely normal, I onyl lhad a 20 month and a newborn and found it so hard whne one started.
It sounds like you are being an uber mum tbh, well done!

I have seen people on here suggest calling a local college that does childcare courses to see if any students will help out. It gives them 'practise' and somethign to put ona cv and gives oyu an extra pair of hands.
Not much use at night I suppose but still wortha try?

Can you afford a mothers help?
It must be exhausting for the both of you at the moment, I imagine you need all the help you can get!
Would your mum/ mil/ sister stay over on the oddoccasion in a fri or sat night so you could attempt a date night in front of a DVD while they feed the babies?

tbh I don't think many men are that keen on babies. It will get better when they can engage with him

YY, DH does not 'do' babies, as both ours were BF he didn't really have to do anything with them for the first few months and just didn't get it.
Once they turned into toddlers/little people he was much better.

Having 2 DSs close together was hard for us too. Total sleep deprivation plus working on top of that is beyond hard. No one who has not done it can imagine it.

One thing I and DW found useful was to give each other permanent permission to 'walk away' for 5 minutes when we felt overwhelmed. It is not a sign of weakness. It just a moment that builds to a breaking point when something 'cannot be fixed'.

It might be worth a talk along those lines and agree a sort of 'code word' you can both use when either of you are reaching that break point.

Multiple birth support groups They also run some course but I have no idea what they are like.

This may help! I can't imagine how exhausted you all are. Dh was similar when dd2 was born.

Good luck.

We have twins and have both, at times, felt like your dh, so don't be too hard on him its tough enough as it is! He will adjust in time but 6 weeks is v early days

Stop biting your tongue and remind your dh that your dd was once a really inconsiderate baby and wouldn't do what he wanted .

It must be totally knackering with 4 children under 4 but he is an adult and needs to stop being impatient.

4 under 4 2 I mean.

My OH wasnt good with babies either, wouldnt dream of picking them up, and not doing what is requested on command, blow me down - the fustration and then the strops and silly comments.

God, woken at night, how dare they - as HE has to work!!!He never offered once to stay up for the 10.30pm feed even when I felt so so ill from being tired. Evil man I promice to get my own back on him in the near future.

I think the world is divided between men that like young child/babies and those who cant connect at all.

What upsets me - he never said how perfect and gorgeous these boys were, how good I was dealing with it all and getting on with it.

My OH would rather work than spend anytime with the babies (now 1 and 4) loves the 4 year old - just coming around to the 1 year old.

Yes, it is very hurtful, suppose thats how some men are programed and stating your piece may help but in my case I was told to get on with it and stop moaning/nagging.

I would deffo get some household help - you deserve it! Congrates by the way!!

I haven't had time to read the whole thread...
But congratulations.

My DH sounds very similar to you OH and we only ever had 1 at a time! DH is very much a fixer and problem solver, so not easy with babies,so he struggled. He did however have some insight into the situation, and was excellent with our older dd when dd2 was born.

He adores his dds now they are toddlers, I think its reasonably common esp with fathers.

A friend of mine had a nearly 2 year old when twins arrived. Her DH was away a lot and she didn't have much family support. Like someone else suggested, she got help from a local college a couple of days or afternoons a week. It made a difference to her.

Congratulations and best of luck.

Bacon - he's always saying how good I am with it all (which I am - I have to be or who else is?!!).

The last weekend has been the shittest on record. I was properly, flat on my back ill in bed and he really had to step up to the plate and do everything that I would have done. MIL came over to help out a bit which was a relief. The most irritating thing was when I ventured up he was wearing the most sorry for himself expression I have ever seen as if he was the one running a high temperature!
Anyway, afterwards we did have a good chat and he apologised for being crap lately and explained how hard he was finding things and also (particularly pleased with this)how he didn't realise the work I put in to keeping the household running.
Re the help - we have the Norland college nearby so we have their students on placement who are totally fantastic. If they weren't so bloody expensive I'd hire one on a permanent basis. We also have MIL and FIL and his wife and various friends helping so we're doing ok really. Oddly, not many people offer to help us at night?!!

Oh well. Plod on.

"Anyway, afterwards we did have a good chat and he apologised for being crap lately and explained how hard he was finding things and also (particularly pleased with this)how he didn't realise the work I put in to keeping the household running."

Well this is good. Sorry you had to get ill to make him realise it, but it sounds like everyone's intentions are good, it's just a brutal time.

4 under 2. I am in total awe of you.