Scared of becoming an over-protective parent

[babylann]

When I was 12 I was the victim of rape and even though I know it wasn't my fault, I do always feel there was more I could have done to protect myself (I was a bit silly and thought it was 'cool' to hang around with older boys) but I was naive. I think my mum and dad's parenting was great, they gave me freedom but they did look out for me and they couldn't have foreseen what happened to me - they were on a two-night weekend away and had left me to stay at a friend's house. It's 10 years later now and although I still suffer the occasional nightmare and have the odd 'downer' over it all, I'm generally happy and besides a few anxiety problems, I feel 'fine'.

Until a month ago I had my little girl and she's beautiful and I love her so much, even more than I ever thought I would. And because I love her so much I'm so scared of ANYTHING bad happening to her, and I guess it's probably understandable that I'm worried one day she might go through what I did even though I know the chances are small. I'm terrified that my fears will affect her life and that she'll grow to resent never having the same freedom her friends with less anxious mums did...

I want to make sure she still has a good life, but that I can still protect her from "evil" she might be naive of. Has anybody else ever worried about being over-protective? And what did you do to make sure you didn't stop your child from having a normal life because of your own worries?

im the same, i alwasy have these horrible thoughts in my head. usually at night, that somthing bad is going to happen to herm or she will get hurt, or die or anything sinister like that goes through my head constantly
i lov eher so much i dont know what id do if anything happened to her.
shes only 8 months and i think i will always worry, i dont wanna let her out my sight!

its so hard but i think i do have an anxiety problem, i think too much and i think it could affect her being a kid! being able to have freedom! but i just couldnt imagine right now ever letting her go.

i think you are so brave for coming on her talking about what happened to you, you poor poor girl, have you ever sought our councilling? or talking to a friend or relative about your worries?

i think its perfectly normal to always worry for our children, and to want to protect them from any hurt or harm that we've experienced ourselves?

i keep telling myself that whatever happened in my past made me the strong and confident woman i am today.
chances are small of anything like what happend to you happeneing to your daughter, its not a great way of life always worrying about past experiences and what may or may not happen to our children, but its also not easy to just shut it out your head it it? i know it isnt for me.

maybe trying to talk to a proffesional could help? hope your ok xx

Hi babylann,
I don't have any answers, just wanted to let you know that I go through this too, I was sexually abused by a neighbour, and am extremely anxious about leaving my children in the care of other people.

I think that when your natural trust in people has been broken it becomes very difficult to assess who to trust and to what degree, especially with your children.

It is absolutely understandable that you are worried, and a testament to the kind of mum you are that you are thinking about this.

I have at points returned to counselling to discuss this issue which I have found useful in trying to separate out what are everyday parenting fears and what are my own fears based on my history.

Hope that makes sense, xx

Hi babylann I am so sorry this happened to you. I don't have answers but I had a difficult childhood and I am over-protective to I was barely able to sleep when ds was born.

4 years on I have a dd too and it does get easier once you start to get used to them being safe you start to relax more.

Thank you for your responses everyone. It's good to hear some other perspectives. I spoke to my health visitor and though very supportive, she did seem to dismiss it as something that won't be an issue until the distant future and just encouraged me to enjoy her while she's still young. But even though I know she won't be going to crazy drinking parties and doing the teenage rebellion thing for a long time, I still worry about it now!

Counselling may be a good idea, as it's okay for me to feel like I daren't let her out of my sight right now, but eventually she will need to find her own feet and I don't want to stop her from developing into her own person. And when that time comes, it's going to be really, really hard for me. I always promised myself I just "wouldn't let it become an issue" when I did have children, but I didn't realise how much I would love her back then!

I'm anxious like this too (and also experienced sexual abuse and horrible bullying in the past). From what my therapist said and what I've read, I think it is quite common to suffer anxiety after those sort of experiences.

I think that because something happened to you, part of your brain thinks that thing is a normal thing to happen and therefore likely to happen to your children. It isn't though.

Seconding the idea that counselling might be good for you, either to get some of those worries out in the open or to maybe have a way to create ideas about what to do.

I think as well you can approach it like you would with any 'normal' anxiety - like, any parent is worried about their child using the kettle for the first time, in case they burn themselves. But you control the worry by first minimising the risks [removing smaller children/distractions from the room, putting kettle at reachable height, etc] and then talking to the child about what they can do to try to ensure it goes well. In this case it'd be pour slowly, get a good grip, watch what you're doing etc. You can never be 100% sure they won't hurt themselves, but you can do your best and work with them to make it a lot less likely.

So even though it's years in the future, it might put your mind to rest a bit by making a list now of all the bits of advice you will give her in future, things you would have done if you'd known what was going to happen. And because it's happened to you you can be more specific than 'don't hang around with older boys' or whatever. You know, the warning signs you can see easily looking bac but beforehand you didn't see or weren't sure whether to trust.

Anyway, I hope you find a way that works for you to feel a little more relaxed.