I have a short fuse - any tips on lengthening it?

[littlebylittle]

I try very hard not to be a shouty mummy but just suddenly I'll feel really cross about something and rant. It can be a bit unpredictable - will have dealt with all the stresses of a day and then something little will make me cross. Has got better since ds bit older - was cross a lot in his first year and think a lot due to tiredness.
Things I have done already:
got my house in order and plan meals so I at least get some down time in the evening
counselling, through gp, no longer go into a downward spiral of guilt and self loathing about how I am
thinking more from dd's point of view (usually cross with her, 4.8), accepting her as she is, which is a lovely little girl who is pretty lively and demnding activity wise (likes playgroup level of activity at home!)
fewer commitments
earlier nights - although slipping a bit with that
being more honest with friends, not trying to pretend to be perfect (not a great act anyway!)

We are comfortable with the big finances, but disposable income increasingly tight and I realise that I used to deal with stress by throwing money at it. So used to have a few lunches out, take kids to softplay, buy a few treats and these are being cut right back. And used money to get out of tricky situations, eg the odd takeaway wehn couldn't face cooking. Also, I know I eat when stressed and now I am hardly breastfeeding, am shooting back up so need for that and other reasons not to do stressed eating.

I make no excuses for being cross, which is why I am trying to deal with it, but I think I am, either by nature or by how I've lived, someone who needs strategies to avoid being cross as I think I have always had a short gap between calm and cross. I look at it as being a medical condidition that needs managing and one that I would be stupid to ignore as is not nice for me or my family.
So anyone else like me? What do you do? And how much better are things? Am I being unrealistic to think I won't get openly cross at all?

Sorry for long post

You sound very self aware.. well done!

How old are your dcs?

HAve you tried pretending you are being filmed by a TV crew? I read about it here and it has definitely helped me a lot.

I've also read How to Talk and their other one, Siblings Without Rivalry, both of which have given me some good ideas and plenty of food for thought..

I used to get cross a lot too. I hated myself for it.

Now before I even respond to anything annoying they've done, I count to five in my head, thinking, "Does this really matter? Does it? Don't shout. Don't shout. Explain what the problem." It's a mantra. I still get cross but I shout much less.

I also make sure I give my dcs lots of affection.

But, also to avoid getting cross, I do find getting out of the house helps an awful lot.

We go for lots of walks, picnics etc. It seems to diffuse the claustrophobic tensions we get in the house. Plus they can't make a mess.

Also, play dates. Does your dd have lots of pals? Get her over there or them over to yours.

I second the getting out of the house thing.. it is peeing it down here today but I imagine at some point in the day we WILL be going puddlejumping!

Thank you so much! I think I have def been a bit lazy about getting out of the house and during a whole am in is the most likely time for an explosion - eg this morning ironically. I also think that ds's nap at pre school time has become a bit sacred so i need to realise that the whole household can't run round it. what i mean is that sometimes we don't go out in the am because i am afraid of the late morning nap. We do do lots of playdates and I am getting better at relaxing about dd's behaviour on these. dh has no fears about her behaviour being normal at four - I worry slightly that she's too boisterous and in their face. But don't avoid them now and actually everyone we play with says dd is normal. I like the film crew thing and i think I already have a bit of a mantra - thought i was a bit mad but when dd's behaviour was really getting to me i started saying "accept, love, play" to myself
Have a good time puddle jumping - very excited that ds is just about walking well enough for wellies now! will also try the siblings book - definite flash point is issues of sharing and kindness between dd and ds - although she is a fab big sister.

We can all but try, sounds like you are doing well rather than let things escalate. We have all been there.

Strategies:
Count to 10
The film crew thing
Make someone laugh
Offer a hug
Walk away (as long as they are safe)
Deep breaths
Outside time is a good one - we never have as many rage problems when we are out (probably because I'm not trying to do 10 other things at once, and they are distracted)

I find I am more shouty when insufficiently caffeinated.

Second getting outside (park is great) and meeting up with other Mums - a bit of adult solidarity. Everyone tends to behave better in company.

Good luck - it's horrible feeling you're being unfair to the DCs but being too tired (or other) to help it sometimes.

Winkywinkola have you seen the home page?

(sorry for hi-jack op)

Very much sympathise.

I would also say that ... och ... sometimes it happens and you just have to say sorry afterwards. If I have shouted at DS, I will (usually) apologise afterwards, explain I was cross about X (I was cross because I asked you to put your shoes on 10 times and you haven't done it yet), explain WHY I was cross (now we are going to be late, which means I will be late to pick you up_ and then do a bit of double checking to make sure I haven't horribly traumatised him.

I also lowered my standards - and my expectations of him.

I try to focus on the few seconds between an action (from the kids), and my reaction. I try to imagine that the gap is bigger, and that I have the power to choose my reaction. It's a very 'american' thing that I read in a book about efficient families. I shout at my DS1 a few times a day, especially lately as I am really stressed out. His behaviour isn't bad really, it's a reflection on me and not on him. I just have to focus on that, and it helos.

I do think the lowering standards thing is important - I think perfectionism makes things worse. I'm all for high (ish standards) but not beating myself up if I do shout. I am not doing it on purpose, I am who I am and also trying my best to change. I think I should imagine my dc are my dh sometimes. Sounds weird but dh wouldn't tolerate me shouting. Fair enough he also is more sensitive to when I'm stressed but heh. The worrying thing about dd is sometimes I think she can see I'm getting near cross and then alters her requests by saying she didn't want to do it anyway. Or does it just show she's getting more sensitive? Not sure. I second the apologising thing. I almost always apologise to dd if I shout and explain when I've been cross with something she's done and when it's just that, regrettably I'm just feeling cross. Again, not justifying the unfair crossness, just trying to mitigate it so at least she's got something to try and understand.
And definitely the caffeine thing! I'm sure long term I'd be better off without it but I don't think my family needs me with withdrawal symptoms!
Oh and I am so much more pmt prone now, but I try to talk to myself and tell myslef that's why I feel cross and that I'll be better in a week (a long week admittedly!).
We're off to toddlers! And a playdate where the other child was pretty over excited too helped me put dd into perspective.

Littlebylittle,your post made me want to cry...it is so like me.I was known as such a patient person before I had DCs...now I hardly know myself.I'm surprised neighbours haven't called SS,LOL.I have been thinking about counselling for a while...I think I resent my DCs for my lost life...I used to have a career,see my family lots,have a life...now I feel trapped in SAHM hell,and I love my DCs so much,but defintely take my anger out on them.We all do lots of cuddling,and talk about how mummy finds it hard sometimes,but I'm pretty miserable,

Woopsidaisy

You sound so sad.. I wish there was something I could do to help.
I too am a SAHM at the mo and it's not always plain sailing nor is it what I want to be FT once my youngest goes to school.
I also sometimes (ok, often ) feel like I've sacrificed an awful lot.. but we all have bad days and better ones. Usually I believe that I am doing what is right in my circumstances and that everybody will benefit.
Are you just having a bad day or is this long term?
THe anger can be controlled.. there are plenty of suggestions on here and you yourself have even mentioned counselling..
The sadness concerns me more. You need to be happy for you, but also for your children. My mother wasn't always happy with her lot when we were small kids and god, did I feel guilty!
Do you get out at all? On your own, with your DH/DP, as a family, with other mothers etc