35 weeks with dc2 and terrified

[rubyblue]

35 weeks today and terrified about how I'm going to cope with two kids. ds is 28 months and a pretty easy child now but the first four months of his life were sheer hell. It makes me tearful just to think about it. I know all newborns are hard but i kept a sleep diary and some nights he was awake every 90 mins and it went on and on until he was 4-5 months. He wouldn't sleep after being fed, had some reflux and we didn't crack daytime naps until he was a few months old. Looking back, think i had mild pnd, pretty much related to sleep deprivation, was a walking tearful zombie. I'm panicking about going down this route again, much as i really want this baby, it's like I'm going into the coalface. Also can't stand all the guff about how wonderful newborns are. They're not. Total nightmare and I look back on those months with great sadness.
Have raised this with midwife and she was really good about it and said come to GP straightaway if feeling depressed. Need reassurance as the threads on two kids are mixed.

You are going to cope because you love your dcs and you CAN do it. You are an experienced mum now and you have a much better idea of what to expect and how to manage.

Follow all the excellent past advice from other mums here - set realistic expectations, drop your standards of tidyness and so forth, try to arrange as much help as possible, and know that it is all very temporary and will pass.

Wishing you joy of your dcs!

Thanks traumaqueen. Friends just had dc2 and finding it much easier but i have a feeling of gloom that it won't be like that for us. DH also working away a lot too so I'm worried about bathtimes and just keeping them fed and happy! Inlaws offered to come up but tbh it would create more work as i'd end up cooking and cleaning for them so would rather surrender to being a slob for first few weeks.

I think that when DC2 comes along we have learned how to have a child and a life at the same time. Those skills mean that it isn't like having DC1 all over again. You know what's coming and you've learned how to manage it.

I was ready for PND second time around and made sure I spent lots of time socialising. This time with friends really helped to pull me through. I told a couple of close friends that I was worried before hand and they made sure they kept in touch and dragged me out regularly. Make sure you have someone to do that for you if you can.

You can do it and you will. I'm sure the only thing that will suffer is the housework. If you do have visits from in-laws don't be backward in coming forward. Say how wonderful it is of them to come because you really need some help with the cooking and housework. If they don't want to help they'll leave PDQ, if they do they will know their help is welcomed.

There is absolutely NO reason why your second baby will have the same issues as your first!

A neighbour of mine was in the same boat a few weeks ago and her, now three-week old, baby is a dream!

As others have said, call on your experience.. and PLEASE try to relax and ENJOY the beginning because a) if you are nervous BOTH children will pick up on it and b) you deserve it!

My own second baby was a dream too, btw, and a new baby without colic was just a joy!!

Congrats in advance!

I really sympathise. My dd was 2 and a half when I had ds, and the experience floored me somewhat. I'd had a difficult time with dd, so was expecting sleep problems etc. Tbh, most aspects of dealing with a newborn were easier second time around. I felt much more able to get on with things without being stressed and paranoid about every little thing. The difficulty for me was just getting things done. I'd feed ds, then race around getting dd washed, breakfast etc, try to have a shower, then it would be time for another feed, nappy change, then dd would need the toilet... etc. Some days it seemed I'd never get out of the house! Ds developed severe reflux, and the endless loads of washing and sleepless nights eventually wore me down, and I saw the hv about pnd when he was about 9 months old. I saw a counsellor which was quite useful, but didn't solve any of my practical problems - not getting any sleep, not getting any family help, no 'break' from the constant draining routine, but I did feel a bit better in myself. I'm now 26 weeks pregnant with #3, and am worried about how I'll cope, as ds will only be 18 months old when the new baby comes along. I've found being pregnant and looking after two very difficult, but I'm trying to tell myself that (a) looking after children and a newborn isn't as bad as being pregnant and trying to do same, (b) recognising my experience from last time should enable me to get help quicker if I do feel depressed and (c) the new baby couldn't be worse than last time - if it has reflux and doesn't sleep it will just be as hard as last time, but I tell myself it won't be harder, and just might be loads easier! I think being a bit aware of what is to come is helpful so it doesn't just take you by surprise (as it often does with your first) and lots of the things that were big problems last time possibly won't be next time. I'm going to focus on making some time for myself - even if its just to have a walk around the block while dh holds the fort - I need to have time to think so I don't lose it completely. I'm not talking a spa break or whatever - just the knowledge that I can leave and feel like a human being for short periods of time. I'm not looking forward to the loss of my evenings either, as both my previous babies bf constantly and didn't settle until late at night, and were up every hour or two hours... but I tell myself how quickly the time goes, and within a few months things will be back to normal again. I tell myself I'm stronger now than I was then, and will cope. Good luck with everything - hope I haven't sounded too negative. Am sure things will be much better than you expect, but you will know what to do if you do feel the same feelings as before.

Hey happynappies, congrats on baby no.3. You must be doing something right if you can cope with another one and being pregnant with two already! Hats off to you.

You are so right about making time for yourself and one thing I'm looking forward to is slowly getting my body back to myself and being able to go for a walk or jog for some time out.

Thanks to everyone for advice, I feel reassured that with experience, it will be easier in some ways and I will be more relaxed. I will also seek help sooner if needbe.

Good luck to everyone, thanks again. RB x

I found dc2 a lot easier than dc1. I knew what I was doing dp knew how to help me and I knew what the first month would be like and that really did make things a lot easier. Also the omg this is so much hard work only lasted about 1 month with dd.

My dc2 is 4 months old now, and to be honest it's been fine! The worst moments were bedtime with a sensitive and mischief making 2.5 year old, and a cluster feeding newborn, but once he started going to bed before dc1 it's been pretty easy. MUCH easier than the first time - very little anxiety/stress/worry at all.

Actually, maybe it just feels easy because it's so different to the first time round (waking every 1.5 hr etc). I can easily get out and do stuff, and know the warning signs if I need to get out more.

There's no substitute for experience and you've got loads of it now - good luck

Ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Yes, I felt the same. I was horribly anxious for all the reasons you give.

What helped me was making sure I had told the midwife (who in turn contacted the HV system to check on me), so I knew there was a safety net this time. I also had a very frank discussion with my DH (who was surprisingly unsupportive the first time around) and made sure he knew what I felt I needed to get through it.

The most difficult time was when I had both children on my own. A feeding box (shoe box full of very small treats) for my son was a life saver: every time I simply had to sit down and feed the baby, when he wanted to do something else, I would let him have something 'from the box'. It kept him well behaved as we built up to the time, plus it occupied him whilst I fed the baby.

Re sleeping: I prioritised my sleep, so co-slept with DD and didn't bother attempting to introduce any kind of formal sleeping arrangement. I got very anxious about that stuff with DS, so threw it all out of the window the second time around. It means that she's still co-sleeping now, but it meant Iw as having at least 6 hours a night in the first months. I also didn't bother changing nappies overnight unless they were dirty. Wet ones stayed on until the morning.

We also went out for a lot of walks in the day. the baby slept (sometimes ...) and DS could run around.

Divided my time into hours, when it was getting really difficult. So if I got through an hour without shouting or crying, I felt good. Then looked to the next hour.

Make sure someone gives you quality time with the older one! It's too easy for them to give you the baby to have and take the toddler.

oh thank you so much for the reassurance! I love mumsnet as it makes everything seem alright and like I'm not alone and it's like being reached out and hugged. I really hope it's better this time but also worry about relationship with ds and dh. Oh worries, worries. I'm sure it will be fine. I'll let you know in a few weeks time.

Thanks so much

BTW, I don't mean to detract from the efforts made to recognise and treat PND, but what is sometimes classed as mild PND and makes us feel a little afraid of our own capacity to cope is, in my (unqualified) opinion, a perfectly natural reaction to the experience of looking after a newborn.

It can be bloody difficult to function with any degree of normality when you're so tired / stressed / hormonal. Add in a difficult labour, any kind of feeding or sleeping issue with the baby and/or difficulties with money, a partner or other child, and you've got a really tough time on your hands.

I was afraid of showing that I was doing anything other coping brilliantly when I had my first baby, lest they (THEY) took him off me. The second time around, I was much kinder to myself and benefitted enormously from it.

Good luck, ruby. Be kind to yourself! x

You might have seen my thread on here about a clingy toddler and expecting DC2 - I know just how you feel. I am torn between being really excited and dreading the whole business. DC1 was a mess for the first few weeks. I didn't have too bad sleep deprivation but the days were awful, as he wouldn't sleep at all (9 hours awake for a week-old baby, no fun at all). I found the whole thing very stressful and emotionally draining. In retrospect, I think I really hadn't prepared for the changes a baby would involve (I know you can't, really, but I hadn't even tried!) and having had a EMCS didn't help at all.

The thing that has reassured me the most is a friend who had a colicky, angry baby the first time and has just had another about 4 weeks ago. She is having a much easier time of it and is really enjoying this baby so much more. So although it's important to be prepared for the possibility of PND etc, remember it could be very very different!

I too am expecting DC2 and didn't enjoy the first few months with DC1 so dreading having to handle boisterous toddler and boring newborn. I am not sure if this option is open to you but I have told DH that our health in pregnancy grant is going towards either a cleaner or a mothers help in the first few weeks after the birth so I have some additional support, especially as he does shift work so have no idea if he will be around lots or not at all! If you do have any spare (is there such a thing!) cash it might be worth using it in ways that support you (it might be putting DC1 into playgroup 2 mornings a week so you get some 1-2-1 time with newborn).