Smacking

[Pie]

www.seethru.co.uk/ubb/Forum2/HTML/002719.html

This is another board I post on...its not a parenting board, just a general discussion forum. A small minority are parents, but the issue of smacking has reared its ugly head. Needless to say my partner and I have come under fierce attack for using smacking as a way of difussing a crazy situation, not unlike yours Bells. I am the only mother that posts on the board...and now I am beginning to feel the disaproval of others. I would appreciate some other mums giving their opinions on the discussion that has happened there. Espcially Scummymummy! I find your realistic approach on quite a few things a breathe of sanity! Not to say that the rest of you don't. Infact I think this is why this place is so addictive. Ahh! Must stop rambling.

Pie, I have just looked at that site, an eye opener to say the least. I was amazed at how many people have suffered abuse as a child. I dont agree with smacking, I was never smacked as a child and neither was dh and dont plan to smack our son as a form of punishment. However, I do believe it is up to the parent to decide the punishment for their child. Some people can just give a quick slap on the back of the hand while others quite obviously by that site, just get carried away and turn a punishment into abuse. Does anybody feel that once they have smacked their child that maybe they would not have smacked if they hadnt had a bad day at work, had got more sleep etc? I would not give anyone permission to punish ds by smacking.
This was the subject of Ricki Lake the other day and one man on there felt this was the only form of punishment and used a belt and even electric wire. The people on there were even hitting children under one. Surely it cant make them feel good. Dont children just become to ignore this kind of punishment if handed out on regular basis?
There is an awful lot of children at this time that require real discipline in their lives but I am very uneasy about smacking and the fine line that moves it into abuse.

Hi Pie. Had a look and felt the need to add my bit... hope you don't mind me contributing to your thread there! I wasn't sure whether you wanted our opinions here or on Seethru but I really wanted to reply to ExOff so I posted there. It looks like an interesting website and another addictive one too. Fantastic- I've been looking for a good general discussion site for ages! Thanks for the vote of confidence as well.

You told em scrummy

We're having to rethink our discipline route. When ds kept pulling the aerial out of the back of the TV we smacked his hand until one day he held it out to be smacked then carried on. We now put him in his bedroom for a time out and at the minute he's not pulling the aerial out - not sure if there's a connection. Also he has a horrible habit of throwing his cutlery on the floor at mealtimes so he used to get smacked on the hand for that (only after doing it half a dozen times not straight away). One day he threw the fork on the floor then smacked his own hand, got down off his daddy's knee and picked it up before climbing back up on dh's knee. We couldn't stop laughing but then sat back and thought it rather sad. So now he's not getting smacked (then again he hasn't done anything really naughty for a few days) and the house has been much calmer. Still can't work out if there is a connection but he's been very good lately. The cds have even stayed in their stand all week which is amazing. We only resort to smacking him on his hand (more of a hard tap really) after lots of talking to and telling off in a 'stern manner'. Sometimes though he just doesn't listen. You can see that he hears you but he's just not paying a blind bit of attention to you. Sometimes as well he looks at you before he does the thing that he knows he's not supposed to do. I wonder how I manage not to throttle the little sod sometimes - I've certainly learnt the patience of an angel since having him thats for sure!

I got smacked as a child and I can honestly say that it did not do me one bit of good at all. It made me fear my mother and her temper. I was taught that aggression and anger are normal activities in a family and I still have problems trying to overcome this view.
My mother would pull my hair, hit me with her hands, drag me up the stairs, throw things at us, etc, etc. All in a fit of rage over sometimes trivial things that we had done. Instead of making me sorry for whatever it was I had done, it made me feel angry and resentful towards her.

I'm going to go full pelt on this one and say that smacking is cruel and unnecessary and if anyone has any legitimate reason why smacking is good for their child then I'd like to hear it.

After having a considerable gap between children, (14 yrs)my Mother decided with my younger sister not to smack her as she had with me and my brother (as the eldest and more highly strung I had the most). After this she has decided that although she doesn't regret doing it, it did not affect our behaviour in one way or the other and that she did it purely as way of trying to gain control of the situation, but it often made it worse / pro-longed it. As far as I go, I'll have to see as dd is only coming up 2. I have been annoyed by her behaviour and can see how I could be pushed to the limit, although obviously these are just in the form of temper tantrums at the moment. But I think I'd prefer to take 'time out' to review what's happened before taking any action to smack. I really want to learn from my Mum's experience here as she has been there and done it. I can't say smacking had any adverse effect on myself but I can still remember some of the incidents from my past (there weren't many), which is sad when you think the childhood memories you would prefer to look back on would be all happy...Just a thought

The few smacks my ds has had (on the hand) hasn't stopped him doing whatever at all so I can't see it working with a militant toddler which is why we're rethinking our discipline procedure. I would say lisav that what you're mother did seems more like abuse. My mother smacked me but it was always for something really bad and it certainly hasn't given me any nightmares or issues in later life. She did, however, only smack me on the back of the legs and once only. I can't remember ever repeating whatever it was that she smacked me for. We're going to go for the time out route of discipline from now on and see what happens.

But Selja, what my mother did was not abuse then, nor did she ever think that it was. The problem you face with smacking is where do you draw the line? One parent might think that a smack on the hand is ok and within limits, another might think that a good whallop across the backside is ok and within limits. You see my point? Everybody has different limitations and different views of what is acceptable and what is not.

I think if you replace the word 'smack' with the word 'hit' you get a different perspective of it. Hitting is a form of violence and I do believe that it is wrong. Everybody gets driven up the wall by their kids at times, but it takes the stronger person to walk away and calm down, the weaker person will just hit out.

Parents say that they are 'teaching their kids a lesson' but fail to explain what that lesson is. Because kids don't understand reason the same as adults do, so they fail to grasp the 'I hit you because I love you' crap that parents come out with, instead they learn that if someone does something they don't want them to do, they hit them.

Making your child sit in their room by themselves for a while is much more effective than smacking. For as someone said on this thread earlier, their child just held out his hand for the inevitable smack and then carried on with what he was doing. I've seen this with my sister's kids, a smack is temporary and it teaches them nothing good. It's just easier for parents to smack than to carry out any other form of punishment.

In most of the messages I have posted on this site I realise that I have become an outsider in British cultural life since I have lived in Norway for 14 years. In Norway it is againist the law to smack anybody. In the home or at school. I have never seen any child been smacked here (dds are 8 and 4 years old). Emphasis is on communication of how other people feel when you do naughty things. Schools use a social competance system (US I think) called step for step.
I ended up in a big discussion with my English mother because she wanted to smack my eldest daughter because she was crying about something reasonably trival. I can't understand the link between disuccing self-confidence and smaking. To me the point is that smaking is an inaffective, respectless and offensive way to control children. What does it prove? That you are bigger and stronger than the child.

I don't smack very often, but, my son in the past 2 weeks has knocked out his elder sister 2 top milk teeth after punching her in the mouth. the first time he was told that he wasn't to do that, but the second time, he did get his bottom smacked for it and put into the other room. He has since then I hasten to add behaved himself a lot better, I am now waiting with baited breath for his next week or so of attacking his sister, although she fights back and gives as good as she gets!