DS 4 and discipline

[giveitago]

So this afternoon was a nightmare.

DS who just turned 4 flew at me in a rage with thumping etc. He's so rarely like this so I just said stop, time out, please go sit on the sofa. He refused, and then launched at me and bit me very hard - lots of pain huge bruise.Caught me unawares. He flounces off and goes to bed - and sleeps almost immediately.

What should I have done and what should I do in future with disciplining. I've always struggled as he's usually so good so that with naughty corner when he was younger it was a case of once a week really and I find that he doesn't take it seriously unless I discipline regularly yet there is normally no reason to.

Agh- I feel I really screwed up today and I'm unconvinced he really gets how out of order he was. Biting fgs - he's 4.
punching.

I should add that when he woke up he wanted a toy car I'd bought him that morning. I said no - the consequence of this morning is that it's being put away for while we're here (we're staying at my mum's for a few days). DM - just came and gave him the damned car!

What do I do?

read How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk. And then read it again! And then come on here and discuss it wrt to specific situations. Try Unconditional Parenting too - children definitely play up to test your love and when you banish them when they do something bad, subconciously to them you're saying 'I only love you when you're good', which frightens them and makes them test you more.

the hardest thing to do is to feel real love for your children when they're behaving horribly, but the best thing to do to get them to stop is to tell them off very firmly, but while you're holding them on your knee and cuddling them.

I have never done the naughty corner/step/whatever. And never confiscated things either. Punishing doesn't work, as you're finding! And can, IME, make things worse. You don't want him to not hit because otherwise you'll do some random thing like take a favourite toy away. You want him not to hit because it's not a moral thing to do.

Except he flounced off away from me. He's developing a real temper and rudeness - and he knows what's right and what's not.

Yep, good communication is good but I do wonder whether my ds does in fact need a bit of mild punishment (no idea what) as I'm perhaps too laid back with him normally.

I use a star chart for ds age4 problem areas and we have a general star has ds been a good boy today. When he gets 100 stars he gets to trade up for a small 2 pound toy. He has a possible of 9 a day. So if he is being naughty I just say if you shout at mummy you won't get your star today. He also gets a sticker if he has got all his stars that day. some of the stars are dead certs really only there so I can praise him each day no matter how naughty he has been.

I found age 4 the toughest age with both boys. Caught me out really as I'd heard of tantrums and bad behaviour from two year olds and thought we'd avoided it.

It was the first time I really had to think about discipline. It doesn't come easily if you're not used to it but it is true that they won't hate you for making rules and sticking to them.
I worked on a basis of treat withdrawal. My boys were creatures of habit and routine and there were lots of little "treats " such as story time, TV time, bike ride etc.built in to the daily routine that I would withdraw for bad behaviour. ( Given one warning).
Sadly there were many days when DS1 had no treats left but it paid off in the end.
I never found star charts worked for more than a day or two.

Oh so glad it's not just me then.

It could be he was having a bad day - we're at my mum's for half term and it's been a complete non event as he's had chicken pox.

He's usually fine BUT I'd say that I being generally laid back and my approach also to be too laid back and the fact that he's a much wanted and waited for only child - I think we need to ensure he doesn't turn into a brat boy. I don't spoil him with material stuff so much but I do spoil him attention and taking him out.

Right I'm going to do the treat withdrawal and try star charts as well!

I'm feeling better now.

Yep, and he's a creature of habit and it's harder when you're away from home.

You said he took himself to bed and went straight to sleep? And that he's had Chicken Pox? I think both tiredness and illness, as well as hunger, can often be at the root of this kind of behaviour.

I agree with MrsWobbleTheWaitress. I find bribery etc just don't work and that sanctions are just confusing and likely to promote more anger and resentment. Although it doesn't get instant results, teaching children that "goodness" is its own reward is far more desirable in the long term.