If you had the choice whether or not to have childcare, would you?

[Hopefully]

I'm having a total dilemma, not about whether I should work or not work, but whether it's better for DS to be at some kind of childcare or at home with me.

Basically, I am self employed and my hourly rate equates to pretty much that of my childminder, so when I work I am more or less just working to pay for the break, iykwim.

Now, the catch is, I really love what I do (don't mind doing it for free, essentially), but I also love looking after DS - neither holds a particular sway in terms of that argument. I can (and often do already) work a couple of evenings a week, so I wouldn't have to stop work entirely if I stopped DS's childcare, so the whole career progression (such as it is, being self employed) wouldn't be an issue.

The big issue is really whether he is better of at the childminder's than he is at home. He is 20 months, so I guess beginning to benefit from the socialising aspects (CM has two other mindees, one a couple of months older than DS and one a couple of years older, and they go to a couple of groups with her as well), but if I had him at home more I would make more effort to go to local toddler groups etc, of which there are many. He is at the CM 2 days a week, and we only go to one group during the three days I have him at the moment.

We are currently TTC, but without much success (stupid broken body). When I give birth he will almost certainly have to stop going to the CM for a while at least, as we cannot afford to send him while I'm not earning. If I do ever get pregnant the plan would be to stop him a couple of months before I give birth, so it doesn't all come at once. Pregnancy with DS was very easy, so I'm not too worried about needing a break from him, assuming there are no dramas with next pregnancy.

DS has been going to CM since he was 8 months, and is generally pretty happy there, as far as I can tell. Sometimes cries when dropped off, sometimes rushes in without a backward glance.

So, bearing in mind that the choice is basically whether DS would be better off at home or at the CM, would you send your DC to childcare if it was entirely down to where they would be best off rather than any financial/personal considerations? Any opinions much appreciated, before I go into complete meltdown with this!

I'm just putting down my own personal theories and preferences, because really it's completely up to you.

Personally I think that children don't need socialisation until the 3 age-mark and I feel that I would love to be around to observe in some respects and to be a go-between when there are 'differences of opinion'. No one does it quite the way you would.

I work part-time and ds has either stayed at home with a childminder, gone to a childminder's house or now - goes to playschool.

I do feel that I'm compromising his emotional security. I do feel that the best thing for him is to stay at home with mum, but I have chosen not to do this. I struggle with it and feel guilty about it, but hope that everything will balance out.

I had the same choice. I was a SaLT for the NHS and my salary would basically pay the childcare and my bus fare to work. I am now a SAHM (I am not unemployed!!!!!).
I chose to stay at home because I am the most qualified person to look after my son, we sing songs, play games, I talk to him loads, he gets involved in the cleaning and cooking and gardening etc. He goes to creche for 2 hours on Mon, Wed, Fri and Sat 9-11am so I can go to the gym and get household paperwork done (dull stuff he hates) and to give him a social experience without me, he loves creche. We also try to meet friends at the park daily and attend a weekly rhymetime group.
So, the upshot is, MY son is better off with ME because I am working hard to be a Mum and provide the experiences I want to bring him up. Other kids will be in different situations. My sister is a lawyer, isn't remotely interested in the daily park trips, song singing and getting dirty in the garden (she loves her son unconditionally) and so her son will be better off being cared for by relatives while she works part-time and that is best for her.
Its your choice, my advice is to weigh up what experiences you can provide compared to the experience of nursery alongside the economics of the situation.

Thanks for your thoughts, much appreciated.

I still haven't made up my mind, but I'm feeling less worried that I'm going to be depriving him if I do stop the childcare.

To add another little angle, I'm vaguely wondering whether the tories will scrap the free nursery places for over 3s, which will ruin the whole socialising from 3 plan, but maybe we'll worry about that when we get there...

Are you working 2 days a week? (Sorry if I've got that wrong I'm SO tired today).

Some people think that childcare is bad for babies and toddlers (have you read any of Oliver James's articles?) and some people think there are advantages.

When I used to work (also 2 days per week), I thought, well if it is bad, then I'm only doing it 2 days a week so it won't make too much difference, and if it is good then at least they are getting a bit of that (the 'everything in moderation' thing).

Better at home with you IMO.

You could try it. Some children love it and some really regress because they're not ready for it. If that happens, at least you're in a position where you can go back to caring for him full time.

I have four children and none of them have ever been in childcare apart from two 45min sessions in the IKEA creche and you have to be 3 to do that anyway!

Anyway, they're all perfectly well adjusted, socially speaking, and haven't suffered in any way from not being in childcare and have, IMO, benefitted from being at home with me, being in groups where I am there as a safety net, somewhere for them to check in where they feel totally secure.

We don't have a choice -- I have to go back to work after 6-months maternity leave because we're currently stuck paying for two houses while we try to sell one of them (no luck so far). If I did have a choice I would stay home and look after LO until he is 3, and then part-time nursery until he goes to reception.

But how many people realistically have that option? In any case, historically, the rich have always palmed their children off onto nannies and the poor have always worked; SAHMs are largely an invention of the twentieth-century middle classes. Anyone who insists, a la Oliver James, that your children are damaged if they are not looked after exclusively by Mum until whatever age are historically illiterate.

I spose it depends on your child as well.

For eg even if i had not worked i would still have put my child in play school or nursery as he was such hard work and i struggled with him so very much on so many levels.

I would/ could not have been the only person to be with him all day every day, i would have walked off the end of a pier frankly.

You on the other hand sound like you actually enjoy each other, so if you dont have to, then why do it?
Can you pick up your career at a later date, when your child is old enough and at school i mean?

There is the argument about childcare being bad for young children but there is also the counter argument that if the mother doesn't enjoy being a full time SAHM and it makes her miserable, a miserable mother is also bad for the children. If a bit of work makes you a happier mother then it sounds like a good thing. (I found working was starting to make me an irritable, overtired, rushed mother so I gave it up.)

I don't think there's any research which says that childcare is actually good for children under-3, it mostly focuses on whether or not it is bad for them - at home with parent (dad or mum) is generally the 'gold standard' against which everything is compared. The under-3s are not cognitively capable of real, unsupported socialising with other children their age and they will not miss out by not spending extended periods of time with other children. The only evidence which says that childcare is better is for those with depressed mothers.

It is such a hard thing, and most people do not have a choice. The fact is, kids are pretty adjustable and will be fine regardless.
Personally, I want to be at home with my baby until he is three years old, so when I was pregnant I set up a work from home business for myself, which I now do during his naps, when he is asleep at night, when he is playing by himself and when he is having time with my DP. When he is up nd about, we can go to the park, he comes shopping and visiting with me, etc. If it ever got to the stage where work was too busy I would probably put him in childcare for a few hours, as I do love my work and am the main breadwinner, but I do think, if its at all possible, it is nice for toddlers and babies to be with mummy or daddy as much as possible.

Thanks so much for all your thoughts!

After much soul searching, i've decided to take him out of childcare. I realised that a large part of the reason was simply not wanting to let down my CM, as she's so lovely, which frankly is not the best reason for compromising our family situation.

I'm really excited about being able to be with DS full time again! That will probably last about a week after he comes out of childcare, then I'll be desperately hunting for more

Congratulations Hopefully! I know that there are ups and downs, but I think it's a great decision!