toddler getting clingier - expecting DC2

[ThisIsBloodyHardWork]

I'm expecting DC2 in a few weeks and have a 22 month old. Once the first hellish three months were over, he's always been very laidback and bonded with both DH and I really well. DH is a very committed dad and makes big efforts to get home early in order to do the bath, and I tend to do the book and actual put-to-bed bit. (We both work full time but I have slightly shorter hours.)

Recently DS1 has started to get really clingy with me, particularly at bedtime, and calls out to me to come for a cuddle between 1 and 5 times in the hour or so after he's gone to bed. If DH goes, DS1 works himself into a frenzy shouting "WANT MUMMY" and I end up having to go anyway. It's been getting worse and worse, to the point where this morning, he was hysterical about DH trying to change his nappy!

This is obviously really horrible for DH, who as I say makes big efforts to spend as much time as possible with DS1, and really exhausting for me (I have hyperemesis with current pregnancy). We're getting stressed about what it's going to be like when DC2 arrives and I just can't go to DS1 if I'm BFing etc. Just wondering if anyone has any tips on how to handle it/improve it?

I think you need to give lots of cuddles and as much positive time as possible but I would hazard a guess that you're already doing that.

It is a mistake to give in to screams and tantrums. If DH has gone to him then he needs to be left to finish the job. If you can't cope with a battle then you must be the one to go to him. Once he gets the idea that he can make you give in you are fighting a losing battle. Be very clear that whoever has him is staying in charge. IMHO this is not about affection it's about control. He's not rejecting your DH, he's seeing how far he can control you. For both your sakes don't let it go any further.

Be very clear between you and DH where the boundaries are and stick to them. If you do that he'll realise that there's no point is screaming to get what he wants.

Interesting idea. It just seems a bit harsh to say well I know you SAID you wanted mummy for a cuddle but daddy is the one that we have arbitrarily decided is going to come and cuddle you so SUCK IT UP. (I can see more about the nappy though, I was probably really weak about that.)

My gut feeling is not that he is rejecting DH, more that he is desperate to make sure that I am available, iyswim?

Oh dear am I falling into the trap of being a pathetic PFB parent. I just feel a bit uncomfortable with the idea that DS is trying to "control" me and that it's a battle. He's only 22 months old - can he really be that devious when so young? (am I totally kidding myself?!)

I don't think it's a conscious decision to be devious any more than children who experience unpredictable boundaries are compelled to push them as far as they can.

Your DS is at an age where he is learning that he can have an influence, not just on you but on the whole world. He's found out that if one Daddy comes to him he can make a bigger fuss and get Mummy. It could just as easily been the other way round. Once a child has discovered that sort of effect they will keep doing it - testing out the hypothesis like a little scientist. Then when it doesn't work they push harder to try to make it work. That's the way a child learns about all aspects of the world. Seeing a possible cause and effect, trying it out to check whether it is repeated.

The problem is that this testing then moves into other areas of life and before you know it the child is screaming every time he/she wants you to change something you're doing.

If you are happy that your DH is perfectly capable of comforting your son/changing his nappy then there's no reason why he shouldn't be left to do it once he's started. If there is a reason why you feel mummy might be needed then you go to him or you could always pop up, reassure him that you're still around and then leave DH to it. Just don't let him influence what you do by screaming when he is not hurting, frightened, etc.

Thanks Al1son. I think the main problem for me at the moment is that I have an inkling that he is worried about me, or worried about what's going to happen when DC2 turns up. So when he cries for me, I don't feel totally confident that he's not frightened something has happened to me or that I've gone away etc - two nights ago he was in bed and saying sadly to himself "I lost my mummy, I lost my mummy", SO AWFUL.

I am going to try the popping in and reassuring that I'm still around option though - DH has been reading his story before bedtime the last two nights and in fact I did do that last night, he started crying because "I miss my mummy" and I went in and gave a quick cuddle, then he went back to DH for his story and was fine.

Thanks for the ideas - I get the point about the testing of the ideas, but I guess the trouble at this age is that you don't know what's going on in their little heads. I mean, who knows whether he's frightened or worried or sad - or just in a rage and trying to get his own way? Sigh ...

He is worried abou you. He knows somehing is happening to his mummy and he doesn't quite undersand what.
It is going to be very tough for a while yet. There is 18 monhs between my ds's and ds1 became very clingy through the pregnancy. My m/w and h/v both said it is very normal for them to ge like this.
What I'd suggest is lots of attention and easurrance that you love him los and he is not being pushed away.
We went through a stage where I couldn't put ds1 to bed because he'd scream when I left him. I soent nearly a year siting on his bedroom floor withdrawing gradually and was awful.
Then we switched and dp started puting him to bed and for the most part, he was fine, but when he called for me, I always went in. For me, I felt he was testing to make sure I would always b there, so I was. I went in, gave him a kiss and cuddle, sometimes laid with him and whenever I left, I'd tell him I was just going to the kitchen and that I'd be back in a few minutes. I'd then go back in regardless of his mood and tell him again that it was bedtime and he should go to sleep and if he's a good boy I'd be back again in a few minutes.

Although, under normal circumstances, I would say do not cave into your ds. he is testing you and you need to teach him he is perfectly safe and ok with your dh, but seeing as there is a baby on the way, i personally would be very aware of the effect this change is and will have on your ds and give as much comfort and reasurrance as I could.
I'd also spend the day times trying to show him how to play and entertain himself so you will be free for the new baby.
Also when my ds2 was born, whenever he would cry, I'd try to finish off whatever I was doing with ds1 so he didn't feel the baby was more important than him. Sometimes I'd even wait until ds1 noticed the baby was crying.
It is a very difficult stage, but does get easier.
Do you have any story books about having a new baby? I really recommend 'There's a House Inside my Mummy' Is a lovely little3 story and I read it to my ds1 everyday for the last 4 months of the pregnancy.
Gooluck

I'm in a very similar situation to you OP. My dd is 2.1 and I'm 30 weeks pregnant. She was the same as your ds for a couple of months, but as of a couple of weeks ago it actually seems to have stopped now! She was really clingy, looking for hugs throughout the day, pushing her dad away and crying for me. We had the same as you, there were times when she went nuts when her dad changed her nappy instead of me. It wasn't like her at all, she's normally very independent and loves her dad of course.

My approach was to give her loads and loads of cuddles and attention during the day. However, I didn't give in when it came to dp changing her nappy, taking her to wash her hands and face, etc. I thought it was important to have a no nonsense approach, so if she kicked up a fuss about getting her nappy changed I would come too and tell her firmly that I was there in the room but that her dad was changing her nappy.

When it came to going to bed, if she kicked up a fuss we tried to distract her, and if her dad made her laugh she was usually ok to go with him, but if she got really upset I took her tbh. There were a few times where she was really upset and wouldn't go to sleep so I sat at the door of her room and said "there there time to sleep" until she finally calmed down and dropped off.

I wasn't sure if I was doing the right things but she is very settled again now and seems much more secure, doesn't insist on having me any more and gives her dad loads of kisses when he's at home. She kisses my bump and loves reading her book about life with the new baby. She goes to bed happily without a complaint (most of the time!!)

I know all dc are different, so you may have a different experience from me, but you might find that it was just a phase that goes away after plenty of cuddles and reassurance, without giving in to him unless you feel he's really distressed and really needs a hug from his mum. Good luck!!

Oo Petisa, what is the book about life with the new baby? I do have the house inside my mummy, but DS is quite particular about what books he likes reading (mostly about trains, yawn, or sometimes books with pictures of lorries, double yawn, and lots of Gruffalo of course). He's not hugely keen on the house inside my mummy, although I will persevere. A book about life with a new baby might be just his cup of tea.

I think everyone is right about eg nappy changing, I want to bash that one on the head very quickly as it is just ridiculous, especially if I am in the room. But as I have this feeling that he's worried about what's going on, I do think it's important for him to know I'm about and available and still love him lots etc. It is hard as I work full time so I don't see much of him - we're out of the house at 7.30 in the morning, and often not back til gone 6 in the evening, and he goes to bed at 7. so not much time for positive cuddly time really. I will keep at it though! Thanks for the responses, it is really helpful.

I also had a book about what happens when the babies due, it went over granparents coming over to look after them, and then visiting mum at hospital with the new baby etc, but that one was rubbish. I'm suire there are some good ones out there.

Have you thought about keeping him up till 7:30pm? And just having half an hour then with just him, that could continue after the baby is born and be his special time?

It's called My New Baby, published by Child's Play (International) Ltd. Got it on Amazon. It's lovely and bright and colourful and shows a toddler with mum, dad and new baby, helping bathe the baby and put him/her to bed, eating lunch with mummy while the baby feeds, etc. Dd really likes it as I think she really identifies with the toddler and the thinks she does with her family, and we call the toddler in the book by dd's name. I hope she's as accepting of her new little sister when the time comes as the toddler in the book is!

I'm just coming out the other side of this (I think). DS was 2.3 when DD was born 4 months ago now. DS got very clingy and started saying he didn't want to go to nursery. We had a week or so of crying at nursery as well which was completely out of character. We still have some "go away Daddy" and "Mummy do it" which we mostly ignore. It is very hard for Dads though. We've tried to keep things as familiar as possible so I have always done stories and the tucking in even if I had to do it with his sister on the boob. In fact we now have a routine of reading bed time stories in our bed whilst feeding the baby, putting her in her cot and then taking DS down the corridor to his room. He gets most upset now if DD doesn't come too for stories.

The book I found most helpful, largely because it's quite realistic is Zaza's little brother - we changed the gender of the baby to fit. It is quite honest about mummy and daddy being busy with the new baby.

Thanks everyone for these tips. We've managed to knock the "mummy do it" business on the head in the daytimes over the past day or two, but it's bedtime that is the real killer - I was up and down stairs FIVE TIMES yesterday. Argh! I'm knackered! I'm going to keep him up a bit later tonight and do lots of cuddling/chatting and see if that helps. DH is out tonight so there won't be any conflict, at least.

I'm going to look on amazon for some of these books - hurray for Mumsnet!