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Parenting

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Original poster

Encouraging baby to bond with mother?

23 replies

DDDixon · 06/06/2010 21:12

I wondered if anyone had any tips on getting my baby to like me! She is almost 4 weeks old, EBF and apart from about 6-8 hours at night (interrupted by feeds) when she sleeps in her cot about a foot away from me, I carry her around/hold her most of the time and am going to start wearing her this week (recovery from EMCS hence not started this before).
It's not that she dislikes me, but she seems to adore her dad and gazes at him for ages whereas she barely looks at me! I know it's a bit irrational and stupid of me but it does bother me a bit, especially when I'm tired. I love her so much, is there anything I could be doing to convey that to her? I do tell her quite often

There seems to be loads of advice on how to bond with your baby but not much on how to help the baby bond with you if you see what I mean.

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sharon137 · 06/06/2010 21:26

Not really got a great deal of advice, but I can definitely empathise!! My baby son, now 15 weeks, loves his daddy and his face lights up whenever he walks into a room... Its not that he doesnt like me, he does, and will giggle and cuddle with me too, but if my DP is in a room he just stares at him and grins... and sometimes when I have been trying to settle DS to sleep for 10 or 15 minutes, DP will waltz in and give DS a pat, and say something soothing and BAM, he drops off to sleep like an angel.
Annoying!!
But, I am told that babies and kids go through these phases where they seem to take to on parent over the other, then swap again.
Also, if your daughter is with you constantly, she feels like you are part of her, almost, she loves you to bits but maybe her dad is more of a novelty, you know?
This possibly doesnt help at all, but just wanted to let you know I know how you feel!

runnervt · 06/06/2010 21:33

By feeding her and caring for her you are bonding with her. She won't know you are a separate person yet. Just enjoy her . And with breastfeeding noone else can give her what she wants (not sure why you're weaning).

runnervt · 06/06/2010 21:38

Sorry, hope that's not insensitive re breastfeeding and weaning. If you're with her all the time then you will have a very special bond with her.

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Thediaryofanobody · 06/06/2010 21:41

Ok your probably tired and hormonal so please don't take this the wrong way your being very irrational. Babies at this age only want their needs met they don't have the intellect yet to love one parent more.

If you truly feel that you don't have a strong enough bond then try attachment parenting move her cot right next to your bed or better still co-sleep and have constant contact with her so get a sling and have her attached to you constantly this will make you life easier, your hands are free to do other things such a cook or simply brush your teeth.

Is there a reason why your expressing and not feeding her directly from your breast? If are able to and want to reestablish BF then I'm sure someone on the BF section will be able to help.

Or maybe when she is feed, clean nappies well rested take her somewhere quite and just make eye contact smile and kiss her she'll love it and so will you.
Try some baby massage too.

Remember your baby knows you very well she's been inside you for 9 months and already knows your voice so well but your DH is new to her maybe she just likes the sound of his voice.
Qs Does he wear glasses? I do and young babies always seem to spend a lot of time staring at them.

Supercherry · 06/06/2010 21:44

The op said 'wearing' her not weaning, as in carry in a sling.

Anyway, op, just keep doing as you are, the bond will come.

Supercherry · 06/06/2010 21:45

Where does she say she is bottle feeding?

charmander · 06/06/2010 21:45

She is going to start weaRing, not weaning.
EBF can mean exclusively breastfed as well as expressing.

Supercherry · 06/06/2010 21:45

I think she means exclusively breast fed.

Supercherry · 06/06/2010 21:47

Just a note though DDDixon, it's preferable IMO to have baby bond with both parents because there will be a time when you will want a break and it will be easier for all concerned if baby is happy with dad too.

Shaz10 · 06/06/2010 21:49

Oh bless, this thread is full of misunderstanding!

DDDixon, don't panic. As runnervt said, your baby doesn't recognise you as a separate person yet. You will soon notice that your baby looks at whoever isn't holding her, she will barely acknowledge who is!

My son is 10 months old and he looks for me all the time now, to the point that I'm a bit concerned that he will be ok when I go back to work (yes I know he'll be fine). The worry never ends.

seashore · 06/06/2010 21:57

Our dd did this too, is this your 1st? I was prepared for it 2nd time round with ds and actually didn't even notice it with him at all.

There's a few things, I think I was a little bit jealous because with dd suddenly we were three. I just got used to it in the end and was glad dh and dd were so bonded because one friend of mine had the opposite problem of dh having very little interest in her dd. The other thing is dh is new to your dd whereas having lived inside you she already knows you. I too EBF and whislt it also serves as a bond, you are certainly a given to your baby. She used to stare up at me during feeds and I really liked that. You're doing everything right, just give yourself and dd time.

runnervt · 06/06/2010 22:00

oops sorry. I think all the misunderstanding came from me!

Thediaryofanobody · 06/06/2010 22:08

supercherry wind your neck in love.
People are only trying to help why not offer advice instead?

loonyrationalist · 06/06/2010 22:40

I agree with those who have said that it is because she doesn't know she is a separate person from you. Plase don't feel she isn't bonded with you. From what you have written it sounds like she is.

sharon137 · 06/06/2010 22:50

I think supercherry makes a good point about it being a good thing for babies to bond with their dads - at my mums group, lots of the women there lament that their babies won't settle with their partners, don't want to be held by their partners, etc... that would be terrible I think, and for a baby to have that bond with their dad is just lovely.

Original poster

DDDixon · 07/06/2010 06:45

to clarify...I meant exclusively breast fed, and wearing not weaning.

I did wonder if it might be that dad is more of a novelty (he said she probably doesn't know I'm a separate person), he is brilliant with her and spends loads of time with her and it's lovely, also means I get a bit of "time off" to have a bath or a cup of tea or whatever.

He doesn't wear glasses but I might try putting mine on for a bit! I will try and be less irrational. Thanks everyone.

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Morloth · 07/06/2010 14:15

Don't worry DDDixon for the first few weeks DS2 was vastly more interested in the ceiling than me.

Now lots of gurgling smiles and eye contact, he does love the sight of Daddy though.

Nemofish · 07/06/2010 16:34

DDDixon - I suspect your dd is thinking, "I know who you are mum, you are me, you are food and snuggles - but who the blinking heck is that weird looking bloke over there?"

mrsflux · 07/06/2010 21:20

Ds was the same! I was so exhausted from porucing enough milk and caring for ds I didn't enjoy him at first. I think I had a bit of pnd. I was also sick of being a human milk machine!
Once I relaxed so did ds and we started to bond.

14 months on and ds will kiss and cuddle me but dh gets very little and had to wait teo weeks longer than me for his first kiss! [tee hee]

wahwah · 08/06/2010 13:37

Also when you're breastfeeding, they don't make eye contact with you in the way bottle feeding babies do. This will change in a few weeks and the moment they let go of your nipple in public leaving your breast exposed to have a good grin at you will cure you if this concern, I promise!

Original poster

DDDixon · 08/06/2010 16:21

Thank you

Feeling loads better now, I think I was tired more than anything. Looking forward to the nipple scenario described above!

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OrdinarySAHM · 08/06/2010 17:10

I think what MrsFlux said about relaxing is the key thing. When I had my first baby, bonding wasn't something that came naturally to me (because of past issues). I was desperate to bond properly and be a good mother but I was so tense about it and self conscious that I didn't feel I knew how to do it. When I started to relax and just enjoy being with her, it started to come naturally. I think babies sense if you are tense, and sense how you feel, however you are talking etc.

Original poster

DDDixon · 09/06/2010 09:58

I was a bit worried about that before she was born but I talk lots of nonsense to her in "mummy" voice without thinking about it, carry her about sniffing her head obsessively, etc. You wouldn't know it from my op but i'm pretty laid back with her really! I'm sure she does like me now, I was v tired and being a bit daft...what a bit of kip does for you is miraculous

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