Which of these? Hmmm, puts thinking cap on.
"DH constantly uses sarcasm and irony with DS, and then DS gets upset or angry......
e.g. "why didn't you answer me daddy?..... because my tongue had swelled up and I couldn't talk" cue very confused little boy trying to see why daddy's tongue was poorly"
Wellm 5 is still a bit young for this and he shouldn't. Or if he wants to be able to use irony, he needs to teach his ds first, with plenty of joke signals. Given the right body language cues, most 5yos can understand when an adult is joking. But if he doesn't want to do the work, he should stay off the irony. So, I'd say you are right.
"this also means DH will say things sarcastically like "oh girls can't mend bikes" in front of DS, I know (I hope) that DH is being sarcastic and expressing the opposite of what he really thinks but it a) upsets me even to hear it as a joke and b) DS takes it completely at face value"
You are absolutely right- if even you as an adult can't be sure this is a joke, how can a 5yo be?
"He over dramatises, so if I try and talk to him about the sarcasm he will say something like "oh no I can't do anything right, you always have a go at me, every day""
Very annoying and childish.
"he will argue about things in front of DS, now I slip sometimes but I try and say things like "lets talk about it later, or wait til DS is out of earshot but Dh will just keep on""
Quite agree with you.
"He lacks consistency so I've been trying to get DS to wash his hands before meals and after the loo, DS is very good at this now and today he told daddy off because he hadn't washed his hands after the loo, DH response was I'll wash them downstairs alter on... I did try and point out that the reason DS was now angry and splashing water around upstairs was because daddy had broken the rules... DH just said I was being silly and when I said it was because Ds had been taught at school about germs DH said that was nonsense, which then upset DS even more and DS started crying and saying MissH (teacher) HAD said that germs were bad......."
I think it is reasonable to expect you to point out to your ds that it is not his job to parent his father. If you want your dh to behave like and adult, he should not be treated like another child, either by you or his son. Yes, dad should stick to the rules, but no excuse for ds to get mixed up in this or to behave badly if he doesn't. And some rules (though not basic hygiene rules) need not always apply to adults as much as to little boys.
"cue Dh getting silly and sarcastic about how germs are "bad... evil..." and singing "you know it I'm bad" "
yes, he is behaving like a baby- but then again, he was treated a bit like a baby too. I for one do not want to be told what to do or not to do by a 5yo.
"And the biggest annoyance is that DH won't respond to me or DS alot of the time. If you call his name he won't answer, he says he can't respond to just 'tom' (name change) he has to know what you want. I feel that I can't talk to someone about something unless I am sure they are listening so I say his name to alert him that it is him I want to talk to."
Rude and silly.
"he will let DS say Daddy about 3-5 times before he responds and sometimes DS will tell him something and he doesn't respond at all."
Aren't we all guilty of this as parents? And isn't this something that your dh and ds need to sort out on their own. I'd hate it if my dh was breathing down my neck every time I was engrossed in a book or the family budget and forgot to respond to dcs straightaway. It does seem as if you feel you have to hover between them all the time.
"yesterday DS spotted a nail sticking up on the stairs and very sweetly told me to be careful and that he had put a red circle round it so we didn't hurt our feet (stairs waiting to be carpeted) he then went to tell Daddy, and his dad just ignored him."
Yeah, well, not ideal, but are you sure you never miss something your ds tells you? I am sure I often do. It does seem as if you are extra sensitive to their relations.
"He ignores me when choosing what to do as well, if he is at home he will frequently just disappear upstairs... its not that I mind him going off for a quiet read on his bed but I do expect my co-parent and partner to say SOEMTHING first, "just going to finish my book in peace and quiet" is fine. But TELL me where you are going otherwise I turn around and realise I haven't seen him for an hour."
Didn't realise this was a sin: I often do this. Unless the house is absolutely enormous, surely you can work out where he is if you want him. You do sound quite insecure.
"He does this when taking DS out too, last bank holiday I had a headache so asked DH if he could take DS out for a short walk while I lay down for an hour, and then we could all do something together. I'd also said I didn't want the day to just fritter away I wanted us to have an afternoon out or something. I got up after an hour *having set my alarm, to find an empty house still. 21/2 hrs after I had gone for a lie down they reappeared. by which point Ds was tired, plus it was too late for most things we could have done."
I see what you mean. Now to my mind, the problem is not that he disobeyed as such, but that you don't seem to be communicating with each other on an equal basis. You told him what you wanted from this day- did you ask what he wanted? It does sound a lot as if you are making the rules. This may not be entirely your fault- maybe he is a crap communicator and you would never get anywhere if you didn't make the rules, but it does sound like an area for concern. Hard to know how to change it though, he sounds very defensive.