is my baby anti-social??

[sharon137]

Hi - I have asked a few questions on here since the birth of my DS 15 weeks ago, and always get really good advice - so I have yet ANOTHER question - my DS is lovely - he is smiley, shouty, gurgly, squealy, curious and just beautiful... When he is with me and my DP. he is also ok when we are out and about meeting people and he is in the pram, but if, for example my mum and dad come to visit him and thye are quite intense, up in his face and cuddling him etc, he really doesnt like it. It makes me feel bad for my parents, and my sister, as they adore him, but they just dont see the best of him. I think it doesnt help that we live a fair way away from them all, so they only see DS once a week... He used to be fine with them but since becoming more "aware", he likes the to keep their distance.
Is this normal?? Should I be worried that he seems to dislike visitors, should I try and get him around strangers more???

You could go along to some baby groups if you are not already that would mean he meets new faces and other kids.
I'm sure he will feel comfy with them in time. My mum and dad live miles away and we only see them about once a year and DS is always ok but DD is little bit dubious for a day then fine.

Thanks Nettie. We do go to a mum and baby group once a week, and he is fine then... he is okay when the attention isnt all on him, if you know what i mean (apart from when he is alone with me and DP). He doesnt like anyone else holding him, but is ok if they keep their distance. He is my first, so I dont know if this is a regular thing, or if it isn't - and if it isn't what to do about it!!

Can understand your feelings but give the little guy a break. It is probably too many, too big, too loud. His nervous system is just developing and is very sensitive. Follow his lead.

it's very easy to over-stimulate a baby. If you read a book called The Social Baby (can't remember the author, but can find it for you) It's all about communicating with your baby and shows you the signs to look for when they want to play/interact when they've had enough etc. it's common sense really, as adults we don't like people in our faces constantly do we?

You say your mum and dad can be very in his face, maybe that's why, he just needs a bit of breathing space. My mum does the same and I have explained to her gently that DD needs space and to slow down a bit and give her time...

HTH

Perfectly normal IMO. Try putting him in a sling when they first get to your house. That way he will still feel secure.

Agree with curly. Think about it from they baby's point of view - quite scary/overwhelming/threatening to have relative strangers in your face expecting you to act like a performing monkey. A 15 week old baby doesn't have social skills!

Curly's book sounds interesting, I'd also recommend How Babies Think by (IIRC) Alison Gopnik and other authors - fascinating insight into infant psychology and development by psychologists who write in a very human not patronising at all manner. They talk about their own kids rather than handing down pearls of wisdom from on high - but also explain some fascinating experiments. (No babies were harmed and all that!)

At first you can hand them to anyone, then they become more aware and differentiate. They need space, if people are all over him and too close for comfort, without time for him to adjust then he won't like it! He is a person and they need to allow him time and take it slowly. If they see him once a week he will have plenty of time to get used to them.

Hi Sharon, I'm sorry I meant to say I think it is perfectly normal. My DS will go to anyone and my DD is more wary. Definately depends on baby and what their wee personality is like.

HTH

Tell your parents to get out of his face. It's not your baby that's anti-social, it's the adults who are ignoring him when he makes plain his wish to be left the fuck alone.

I think that in view of the fact that his grandparents might be very important to him in the future a liitle diplomacy is called for! I would feel very sorry for a baby if his parents were quite so rude!

Perfectly normal both ds age 4 and dd age 9months were like this with anyone who so much as said hello(dd still is). DS turned out fine he will latch on to some poor shop assistant and tell them his life story now .

Thanks all, some really good advice and I will definitely hunt down those books.
It is my immediate instinct to whisk him away when he feels upset, of course, and I try and tell my parents, and others, to just give him a chance to adjust to the fact they are there and not be quite so full-on. However, telling them to "get out of his face" is a bit much, I think.
I think I made the mistake of thinking about my nephews, who latched on to my parents straight away when they were babies - but my sister lives on the same street and my mum was over there helping every day, so they were almost an extension of my nephews' parents.
The sling is also a great idea.
I am glad to hear it is normal too, and I know he is still teeny, and might just have a shy little personality... I guess I just assumed in my pregnancy bubble that DS would adore his nanna and granddad from day one!

My mum lives down the road though and I see every week day (school run) and it still happens think it depends on the baby myself.

You don't have to say the words "get out of his face", you just have to make it clear to them that it is not fair on your son for them to be so full on when he is not receptive.

"hye are quite intense, up in his face and cuddling him etc, he really doesnt like it."

That is not a nice way to treat a baby, and you need to focus on his needs, not on their feelings.

That's true, skidoodly, you are right. I might ask them to come over as if they are visiting ME (God forbid!!) and not "to see the baby", so that DS can have a look at them and get used to them being here without thinking, Oh God, here we go again with the cddles and the faces...

My DS (my first) is like this still and he's 8 months. His GPs were the same - in his face, staring at him etc. We had a word (well DH did as his parents and he basically said what skiddoodly said as they didn't get the message the first few times) and now they're much better.

DS is very sociable - smiley etc etc, but like any sane person, doesn't like to be the centre of attention in such an intense manner!

Sorry skidoodly misspelt your name

There are plenty of diplomatic ways to phrase it, and you know what will work with them.

The point I was really making was that you need to focus on their behaviour, and not his. He's 15 weeks old, they are adults. So if he's uncomfortable because of their behaviour, they need to change, not him.

And no, he's not anti-social. Lots of people don't like being the centre of attention, and pretty much nobody likes unwelcome physical contact and having their personal space encroached upon.

I agree skidoodly. I think people forget that babies are people not toys. It's one of my personal peeves when people don't respect DS - especially when they try and plonk him in the middle of the room and try and get him to "perform".

My DD was like this between about 8 weeks and 6 months. She absolutely loves all of her grandparents now and has done since she was about 10 months.

She still doesn't like strangers approaching her though, she likes to make the first move.

Thanks SingingBear - your dad sounds like mine!! I also assumed all babies and toddlers are extroverts... But ever since giving birth I am discovering how fantastically wrong I was in many of my assumptions!

I think that happens to all of us, Sharon. Not least because babies don't read the parenting manuals...

Being overwhelmed at 15 weeks by adults crowding you doesn't mean a baby will be an introvert - it just means they are a baby!